Here again after 9 years and struggling 4

[inpain]

Hey, IP. I just wanted to pop over and say hello. I'm still here keeping up on your situation and you seem to be doing well (even if you don't feel it sometimes). You are getting great advice from everyone and a lot of great insight.

I do want to point out one thing in your posts.

"I suppose what I'm really saying is that whatever his reasons, the fact that he (to me) has acted so selfishly the last 5 months with total disregard to what it is doing to the children, makes me see him in a different light."

I really don't think he is acting completely selfish or disregarding what he is doing to the children. He is coming over to your house to spend time with them. He may not know HOW to spend time with them the way YOU would like him to, but he is making an effort to be with them. This shows he is aware that his absence affects them and he is trying to stay in their lives. He cares, but is fighting his own inner battles as well.

Ciluzen, thank you so, so much for this post, it is amazing! It has really made me think about things and see some good points to H's behaviour instead of me just thinking painful, angry thoughts about him.

He is also attempting to work with you on the exercises in the book. This is not a sign of someone who doesn't care. He is making an effort.

Again, you are right. His behaviour over these past months has been so frustrating it is hard for me to see passed that and see some good in the situation. Deep down I feel like it is just another stall for time from him I think.

You are describing a man who is tired, exhausted, by work and whatever emotional turmoil is going on inside of him. As you well know from your own emotional turmoil, it is exhausting and debilitating. Add to that the fact that whatever is going on with him, he felt he HAD to leave; and now he has to split time between his own life and the life of the family he obviously still feels responsible for. And he STILL COMES OVER.

Again you are right, I really hadn't thought of it like that at all.

I know this is hard. Very, very hard. I'm not discounting your feelings. I see your strength, your love for your children, and your confusion and...yes, your ANGER at your H. It is unfair. But you actually have the upper hand. You just don't realize it yet.

You have a purpose. You have the love and support of your children as well as the duty to take care of them. He is the one left out of this picture by his own actions. Do you really think he doesn't feel that?

It is hard for me to see that he feels it but I would like to think that he does. Except for our daughter's birthday a couple of weeks ago he hasn't shown that he feels like he's missing out at all, but you are right, he is the one left out by his own actions.

Focus on your kids and focus on you... not on the "problem" your H has become. Right now, he is fighting an enormous battle within himself. He doesn't have any idea how to handle his issues. You can't fight his battle for him or hurry him along. YOU CAN BE THE LIGHTHOUSE, BUT YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AWAY FROM THE ROCKS. YOU CANNOT STEER THE SHIP AT ALL. JUST SIT ON YOUR ROCK AND SHINE YOUR LIGHT. LET HIM RIDE IT OUT OR STEER HIS SHIP. AS A LIGHTHOUSE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO WATCH.

I love this! I absolutely love it Ciluzen, thank you, thank you!

H is out there steering his ship in the dark. Let him. It is kind to yourself and to him to let him find his own way. It shows strength if you can stop thinking of how selfish he is and start understanding how in pain Mr. Inpain is and let him deal with it on his own. Hug your kids, be their fun and happy mom, enjoy them and show them the strength of your understanding and patience with your H's battle.

If you can shift your focus away, it will get better. It really will.

This part made me cry the first time I read it, I truly hope you're right about the getting better part. Whichever way it gets better. I am certainly doing lots of hugging and fun with my kids. I truly don't know where I'd be without them right now! x