In limbo

[smh]

H just told me that he has started telling a few people that we are done. It broke my heart all over again. He asked if I had and I said no. That my DB coach (I just said my therapist) had warned against telling a lot of people right now as you usually just end up getting all their conflicting emotions and opinions. He asked what if he felt he needed to tell people. I told him his process is his process, to do what he needed to do, and I wouldn't stand in his way.

So sad right now. I really feel his mind is set and there will be no turning back for him. He is just done.

[smh]

I have been working so hard to stay detached and continue to be positive. Today it seems harder for some reason. I just feel sad today. I need to find that positive thinking. It's hard to grasp onto today.

[SH_]

Hang in there smh. I know how you feel as I was just told by my D17 that her mother is telling everyone that we are done as well. D17 hung out with her cousin that is visiting from out of town and while chatting with her, it turns out that her cousin knows of our family situation. It appears that WAW is announcing it to everyone and that there are no secrets about anything from our family affairs and sitch.

It is their way of dealing with things I guess and while it is hurtful to us, you did the right thing to share that he needs to handle it in his way, and you will do so in yours.

I say that karma will handle it for us. Chatting with the world about things when in an emotional unstable place is not good for anyone, but all we can do is focus on ourselves, and our behavior in these moments.

My prayers are there for you and everyone going through challenging times.

[Cherry]

Smh, I'm right with you sister. Our h's sound like the exact same person. So I guess the one comfort we can find here is that they are reading from the same wah script.

My heart pours out to you because I KNOW this feeling, I have that same crushing feeling. And it does seem like there's no way out. But I bet you, like me, before felt like this the last time too. And we both got led into the same false piecing sitch where although we had soul searched to get to the better place- they didn't. They didn't spend the time to dig deep into their soul and see what changes they need to make. The lighthouse story gets me through these moments.

They are unhappy, but that's not altogether our problem. Only it's far easier for them to blame us than actually admit maybe they have an issue. All we can do is try our very hardest to protect ourselves and our kids. And we need to be oh so very gentle with ourselves.

What do you think brought your h back the first time? I made a point to ask my h, and he said seeing me get stronger and see what he actually was almost about to loose scared him. And I guess I was so overjoyed that I suddenly had him back things just slid back. It was like the start of our r all over again. We were having sex all the time, passionate, wherever we could. Then I guess that wears off and we get back here.

Although it's heartbreaking that we find ourselves back here. We have the greatest community to cheer us on and support us. With tried and tested techniques to help us through these times.

It's tough,, but I'm right there with you. And I, like you need to work on detachment. Like you say, it's like an alien has just took over them. And there's days of deep dark depression where they will ignore us and push push us. This is when we stay strong. Like a lighthouse we radiate warm light, we are calm. Level headed. And who wouldn't want to be like that or even stand to loose a person like that.

Head up high sister. You've got this!

[smh]

Chatting with the world about things when in an emotional unstable place is not good for anyone, but all we can do is focus on ourselves, and our behavior in these moments.

Thank you for your kind words SadHub. I agree completely that talking about our issues with the world when in an unstable place is not a good idea. This thought is what has stopped me from talking to "our" friends about the situation. I am trying to rise above and I do not want to get into a "he said, she said" situation with people close to us...especially as I am hopping to work through this with H. Maybe it is not my problem to be concerned about how he looks to people, but I honestly believe that a lot of what he says and does is ruled by depression,hormones, and emotion and I don't want our family and friends to look badly on him while he is going through this. It should not be my problem but I can't help but think of the future consequences to our relationships with people if we manage to work things out.

[SH_]

Hi smh,

I know what you mean. I am losing hope with each passing day as I learn of more folks and more things that my WAW is shareing about our sitch with. I also know that what she is sharing is not true except in her perception of the events. I feel as if she is burning all the bridges of hope that we need to be able to cross in order to work things out. My heart breaks as I see the effect it is already having on both of my daughters. Because she does it in front of them with no regard to what they feel and know to be true. My instinct is to call her out and try to stop it, but I know that will only make it worse. I am just praying my heart out, asking that I can have the strength to forgive and act with compassion.

We are in a challenging situation and I place my trust in God that he can be with us and our families at this time.

[smh]

Thanks for the great support Cherry We do seem to be going through oddly similar situations.

What do I think brought my H back the first time? Well, he is a creature of habit for sure and I also think he actually likes being in a relationship and having another person there to rely on. He also does not like to make decisions (he would rather have someone else make a decision so he can pass the blame if need be) so I think when I "decided" to try and work things out with him he just floated along and hoped for the best. But, as you said, you and I worked on our marriages and worked on ourselves through this time period. Our H's did nothing constructive...and so we are both right back where we started (just a little more frustrated and bitter because of it!).

And yes, this is an awesome community. I could not have gotten this far without the support of great people like you.

Detachment is so hard. I work at it every second. There has been the odd moment were he has been almost friendly or almost seems to have missed me and I have to remind myself not to react, not to get my hopes up, not to read to much into it. And it is the hardest thing ever!

[J5K]

He also does not like to make decisions (he would rather have someone else make a decision so he can pass the blame if need be) so I think when I "decided" to try and work things out with him he just floated along and hoped for the best. But, as you said, you and I worked on our marriages and worked on ourselves through this time period. Our H's did nothing constructive...and so we are both right back where we started (just a little more frustrated and bitter because of it!).

smh,

Can you please expand on this. I feel my WAW thinks the same of me. I am an easy going guy and let her make all the decisions. I am sure she finds that unattractive now, she actually told me that today, but based on my situation I cannot trust what she says and does anymore and we are going through a D.

What would be a 180 that would help you respect your H more?

I don't blame people for their decisions, but I understand why my W left me now. I recognize how I did not contribute to my M, but with 5 small boys, I thought I was doing the right thing and she had options to get help when we were together, she just chose not to, but she will not admit that.

[smh]

JimKao,

My H's lack of decision making in our marriage, although very frustrating at times, was never a deal breaker for me so I may not feel as strongly as your W does about it, but I can understand her frustrations with it.

My H is also a very easy going guy. On the surface this seems like it would be a good thing but there are definitely times where he is just too passive and I want to tell him to get a spine and make a decision already!

Being too passive makes a person look weak, it makes a person look like a doormat, it makes a person look like they won't stand up for themselves or for what they believe in.

It is just so frustrating to have a person in your life who refuses to own his opinions or his thoughts.

I am tired of making all the decisions for our marriage,big and small, and him either reaping the benefits or him being able to deny responsibility with things go wrong.

In the case of my H I believe part of his issue is that he tries to avoid conflict at all costs, but that conflict avoidance has now lead to us to not dealing with the growing problems in our M to the point where it is almost too late.

As for 180’s you can do, state your opinions on things and don’t apologize for them, and actually have opinions on things, don’t be wishy washy and let her call all the shots. Show her you have your own mind. Speak up about things that matter, even small things. She needs to feel like you are sharing the responsibility of decisions in your marriage. That it isn’t all on her shoulders. And she needs to see that you have a spine in there somewhere. Show her you are a strong and capable person who can make their own decisions.

[J5K]

Thanks smh,

I will have to think of specific situations in my past and analyze them to see how I can improve.

Lately I have taken a stand and W now gets upset with me about past actions that I have not taken or not completed fast enough. This has now driven her to file and end the M. Seems like my LRTs were too late.