Starting to do things right?

[sandi2]

So question for the group - if given the choice to have a W who's probably having an A as an "in house separation" vs. "Physical separation" what would you go for?

People may get tired of hearing me say this, but I'm going to say it again, anyway. I have been here for 9 years (seldom missing a day) and I do not remember one single case where the in-house separated couple reconciled. The best case scenario is that they are in the friend zone for the rest of their lives, and the worst case is that the WW continues to degrade her soft, passive H by flaunting her waywardness.

My opinion about allowing your WW, who is in an A, to come back into the house to sleep in the spare room is CRAZY!!!

Look, people say, "It will give you a chance to show her all your changes". First of all, allowing her to come back under those conditions will only cause her to disrespect you even more. From what I see in these in-house separations are H's who are under so much stress that it keeps him too torn down to show any changes. You think you'll never disagree or that she'll never do something to really upset you? And second of all, what kind of changes do you plan to show her if she's just sleeping in a spare room and not working on the MR? Are you going to show her what a great friend you are.....while she continues to cheat? Are you going to start throwing down a bunch of boundaries to show her how tough you are? She already knows you aren't tough. She could care less about your boundaries, b/c when you let her back on her terms.....you've already lost any chance of her respecting you as her H. She will manipulate you until you can't possibly deal with her, and you'll become more passive and finally lay down and become a complete doormat.

Never allow the WW back into the house on her terms. She's just wanting an easy ride.....that's all. She doesn't have the finances or wants to spend her money kicking up her heels.

We talk a lot about cake eating, is it more about respect that's lost?

Well, she loses respect for you, but the way I see this is that the WW will never be in a position to feel what she has lost (due to her WW decisions) as long as she gets to have the best of both worlds.

I'd personally rather have a cordial relationship if I hope to R then one where we are clearly fighting.

Let me take a deep breath and try to say this nicely. You don't have a relationship now, and you won't have a cordial relationship if she moves back under her terms. Besides, you don't really want to settle for a cordial R. You want her as your wife! You want to be intimate with her and have a fulfilled life with her. For a woman, love and respect are tied in together. I think it may be different for men, but that's how God made women. Respect for her is like admiration and honor for the man she loves. It is special. It's unique and it's for only one man......the one she wants as her H. Until she can respect you as a man, and as her H.....she will not feel in love with you. Sure, you can be just her friend. Anyone can be her friend. Only one man can hold the position as her H. She'd probably like the idea of you being her friend, since most WW's want to be friends with the man they dumped. But she won't respect & admire you, b/c she knows what she's doing is wrong, and when you let her slide by with treating you badly.....she will NEVER be attracted to you and she will NEVER respect a man who would let someone like her walk all over him. She can lie, manipulate, deceive, put on a front, sleep with him, etc. However, in her heart she does not feel in love with that man. Women must first respect their H, before they can feel in love with him. That is how women are wired. They will test a man for all he's worth, b/c she wants him to be stronger than she is. She wants a man who will look her eyeball to eyeball and put her in her place when she is out of line! She wants a man who is not afraid of her, or pussyfoots around her mood swings, or who never makes a decision and leaves it up to her. She wants a real man. Not some soft soaped nice friend who will let her treat him dirty and then decide they can still be BFF's.

One of our biggest issues pre BD was that I wasn't flexible, I was controlling and always insisted on my way, so I see this as an opportunity to also show her that I can change a bit and be more flexible with her.

Flexible, huh? Boy oh boy, have you gotten your priorities out of order. I suppose accepting her back, knowing full well that she is not remorseful and does not intend to work on the M, and may still be in an affair......is pretty flexible alright. It's not what I'd call it, but then I'm just an ole WW (former).

I am telling you straight out that you are deceiving yourself. You want her back and you are willing to take her any old way, just to have her back in the house with you. So, you are trying to convince yourself, or us, that you should be flexible and accept her waywardness and let her back on her terms. You think you can be her best bud and show her what a wonderful H you can be to her. Right? But it won't work! She will see you only as a friend, and you will continue to see her as your W. You will want to change the friendship to man & wife.....but she won't. Talk about stress!

There is a certain time that the couple can become friends again, but this isn't it.