I don't want to make this sound insensitive, but.....
I completely understand you wanting to see your kids everyday. My ex dropped the bomb when our one and only was 6 months old and we separated THAT night. It was very painful to have to share custody of my infant daughter. I would have a panic attack when I woke up and she wasn't there.
My D is now 8 and what I learned is quality time with our kids is way more important that quantity. You will serve your children far better if you can get out of this fear and the state you are in and lead a more independent relaxed life. Take this from the biggest wreck there was in the first year of the mess. Your kids sense you right now. Your fear, your codependency, your insecurities, and your weakness towards your W. I would venture to say you will serve your kids better with some relief, less fear, letting go, and living independently, than seeing them everyday living the way you are.
Kids are sponges. I say this from experience. So if what is holding you back is not seeing your kids everyday, I want you to think long and hard. Do you think the state you are in is serving your kids better than you getting your life together for yourself?
