Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

...For us it is the ultimate abandonment and betrayal. For the WAS they feel we are horrible people that are destroying their only chances of happiness or their very existence. I won't defend the WAS action because I happen to think it's about as horrible as murder, but I understand that in their mind it is self defense.

You know what I'm just not getting - is why the dancing on the grave? Why the reaching out to keep poking me with a sharp stick to see if I still move? Like this whole not letting me loose on the patent.

Or, saying she's dropping of a jacket, and then [strike]packing up[/strike] shoving my clothes into a garbage bag and shoes in a box and dropping them at the front door? Just so it's obvious that the OM has the closet space he needs?

Why not box up my LP's and CD's and DVD's and give me my stereo?

Yeah, I can see doing horrible things, saying horrible things to justify whatever sickness has come over her. But, she won. I'm gone. Why not pretend I'm dead?

I've been trying really hard to forgive her. To move on. Live and let live. She has caused me to doubt everything I ever believed about friendship and relationships. And then, she keeps striking out. Isn't she supposed to be happy now? Is it just the potential that she's made me a little more miserable that keeps her going?

It's been in my nature to go after anybody that goes after me. Anybody else would be very sorry at this point. But, I still love her. Dammit. Even when a neighbor lady (same age) came over and started bad-mouthing my W, I couldn't stand it. Sad thing was - it was true.

And now, the last vestige of my family is fading away. When the MIL was talking about me in past tense - I knew something was up. I've just been in denial for 3 months. 3 months. Good Lord. And now instead of wanting to buy time I just want it to be over.

[TimR]

1313 I cannot tell you why the WWs want to see us miserable they just do. My WW was telling everyone this weekend about her big announcement, "I have to tell you there is a new man in my life, yada yada yada..." Then the next sentence was how badly she thought of my jogging buddy who was there. OMG OM2 was there with her, why worry about what I am doing? But that is just the WWs not happy unless they know we are miserable.

But that is not the real point I want to make. I want to point out what my priest told me about forgiveness. Forgiving is not the saying it was ok, it is not coming to terms with what happened, it is that the action no longer has power over your emotions. Not the same as dropping the rope, cause that could be followed by anger. No it is not allowing her actions to hold any power over your emotions. WOW that is a difficult thing to do but as he explained that is Christly.

I am sorry you are still in love with your WW, I know how much that hurts. I understand how much it hurts and feels like she is parading OM in front of you. I promise though it will fade. The pain may turn to anger but the pain will fade. It may turn into resentment but it will fade as will the anger and resentment.

I wish you the very best 1313 from the bottom of my heart, I wish for your pain to subside!

[1313]

Thanks Tim.

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

I just thought I had gotten past a lot of this, and I haven't. I'm literally shaking. I just can't turn off 30+ years of complete love, devotion and loyalty. Try as I might. The WW had no problem with that.

I had a dream about my little dog last night, I was with her and a group of people and telling somebody that I hadn't seen her since 1/27 (true) and this was the only way I could visit with her. I woke up that moment and realized - I was right. How sad. I can only see her in my dreams.

The WW has taken everything away from me. I don't even have kids that can at least pick up a phone if they cared to. No, there's a $120k car sitting in my spot in the garage, and the WW had the balls to tell me I never loved her - it was all about the money. Even though I made the money for the first 20+ years of the marriage.

No, I can't let her hold any power over my emotions, but I do. And she keeps finding new ways to twist the knife. I seriously thought she'd at least wait until the D was final. But I guess, things went so well on her vacation that she wants to flaunt it now. Sad thing is - I really knew this was going to happen. 3 months ago I knew it. I'm letting her do this to me.

Anyway Tim, I'm really glad things are going so well for you, I never wanted to be the straggler here but it looks like I'm in this for a lot longer than I ever wanted to be.

[Zues126]

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

When WW says something, how you interpret it tells us much more about YOU than it does about HER.

So when she tells you 'you never loved me, it was all about the money', she is just spewing...but for YOU to take that literally, and be personally wounded because you weren't in it just for the money, how could she say this, etc...well, you're the one being a bit whacky.

Put it another way. If you had a 5 year old that got angry and said "Dad, I hate you". Suppose you then broke down into tears and called your best friend sobbing, saying "My 5 year old doesn't love me anymore!!!!!" Wouldn't that be odd? It would be like "dude, she's 5 and throwing a fit".

Well, WW is going through her version of a tantrum. She's not happy with her life, she's in pain, and in her mind it's all your fault, the same way in the 5 year old's mind it's all your fault. It's not fair, it's not rational, but that's how she sees things.

Now's the part where you have to DETACH. What this means is that your identity is not defined by her. You don't have to live up to her standards, and in fact that would be impossible because she's like a professor that's decided to fail you regardless of how you test. So now's the time when you set YOUR OWN standards of how you think a man should live, and live up to your own standards.

I know what I'm talking about here, I've been there, it's a lot of co-dependent thinking. Like me you probably felt insufficient a lot, and so you delegated your self worth to her, and tried to earn her approval in place of your own. The funny part is that in my case that contributed to the breakdown of the M in a lot of ways...she could never fill the bottomless pit and make me feel good enough about myself, I always felt neglected and unloved and unappreciated because I didn't care for myself, and as a result SHE felt SHE was never good enough because I felt she didn't do a good enough job care taking me...AGH!

So firing her as the person that defines you and your self worth and taking that job back would be quite a 180. Live up to your own standards. And, here's a magic bullet...whatever affirmation, approval, admiration, or love you crave from her- give it to yourself. No joke. This can be a life saver. If you wish she would see the good in you...stop, and recognize the good in yourself. Whatever you crave, it's time to meet your OWN emotional needs.

OK, I'll take a break, more I could say, but I hope something in here helps ease your burden.

[1313]

Hi Zeus,
I pretty much figured that a lot of what she was saying to me was complete projection. It was like a laundry list. I could easily have given her a point by point on that.

But you're right about the co-dependent thinking. It's huge, and it's always been there. Even when she wasn't doing that well, I'd proper her up, bolster her, give her support. Funny how quickly she forgot that - but I guess when you turn to somebody else for emotional support you don't need it from anyone else.

I had a phone-screen interview today for a job, and maybe for the first time in a long time felt good about myself when she was asking about my history.

A LOT of what you're saying I see in my M now that you bring it up. She always felt so pressured to perform - so she said. I never felt as if I were in your shoes, but I think I was more than I know. What's ironic is that she's doing the exact opposite of what she should have done - she's working more and the house is still "just a closet". Except I guess she's got whoever she feels she needs with her now.

Which is why I want that dog even more now. She doesn't deserve her. I'm also not understanding why the WW - if she was in such a hurry - hasn't set a court date yet after almost 2 weeks. Now, I'm the one in a hurry. I want to know what my future is so I can plan. She knows hers, anything else is just cream. And maybe that's the worst part. To have this hanging over my head with no resolution in sight. In theory, it's supposed to be over in 2 months.

Speaking of which, the L just answered back and the assistant sent another email asking why they've not set a date. The court dates are getting sucked up, and now much of May is out of play. So either it happens like, in the next 2 weeks or we're in June? I thought the L's were the ones dragging this out.

I will be sad to see everything go. I will be sad to have to sell an art piece that could literally be both our retirements in 20 years. It's all just stuff, but it's brought me a lot of joy.

Thanks for the pep talk, the people here have been much better than my friends, who are at a loss for words.

[sandi2]

Some WW's are so full of venom that just getting their freedom is not enough. Winning is not enough. They want to keep striking at the one they betrayed. Some women want their H to really suffer. It must be terrible to be filled with that much anger.

[1313]

Sandi, I'm glad I'm giving her something to concern herself with, what with all the spare time she has.

I just went on a job today for a very good client I've had for several years. I hadn't told him what was going on the past couple of times I've worked for him because his clients were around. Today we were at the house alone, and he mentioned that the home belonged to an old employee of mine, and her fiance. Except, they were splitting up. That gave me the opening to mention that this seems the popular thing to do lately - oh, BTW.

He was sorry to hear this, and then said coincidentally he just saw my WW yesterday at a very swank shopping mall. He said she wasn't her normal self, seemed really out of it and not her normal "bubbly" self. She was by herself, or so it seemed, maybe she just didn't want to be seen.

And, the dog wasn't with her either - which really, really ticks me off. If she's a "service dog" and the WW can't be parted with her - well I wish I'd have had a picture of that.

[1313]

Journaling:
I guess this is how it always kind of works, people log in constantly at first, and as they slowly lose hope drift away as their new lives begin to form.

I still hold out hope, but the flame is barely a glimmer now. I have reason to believe the W and OM are no longer an item, but I also don't have any reason to think that the W considers me a plan B either.

At this point I'm not quite sure what to do, it's sort of like trying anything at this point is doing something. Doing nothing hasn't worked. The court date (possibly last) is fast approaching. I'm not sure if reaching out in some way (pursuing though it may be) could possibly cause any more harm. Try as I might, I still love her and miss her something awful. In spite of everything.

[TimR]

Hey 1313, it has been awhile... So WW and OM are no longer a couple?? I know the temptation to reach out and say 'hey I am still here...' is strong when you find this out. I had the same instincts as well, but I do not know that it would help. Keep in mind while OM may be gone, the anger is still there. Heck who knows she may even blame you for her failed relationship. Before you decide to or not to, see what others think. I can't really advise on this since I could possibly be the worst DBer in history. btw that is not a oh have pity on me, because I am happy and I have a clean conscience about my sitch. I took the high road and while I did not hold on an exceptional amount of time, I did what I could. After I started coming out of my shock and haze, I just realized it would be self destructive to return to that situation, so I decided to move on. Now I am healthy... mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Something I have not been for years! I guess in retrospect I should thank WW for leaving, cause I do not know that I ever would have and rather would have suffered in silence for God knows how long.

[trumpet]

1313, please keep posting! I love hearing your story.

TimR, I feel the same way. God has put me in a much better balance, like I'm in a new orbit around Him, where I feel much more comfortable with myself. A lot less angry. My WW, not so much.

I still miss her to bits, though. You'll find someone, and it will be wonderful. You know what to look for now. The same to you, 1313!