Well, I told her she must choose to end the affair with complete transparency or we begin separation immediately. I am at home (left work to be home early) and we will be talking when she gets home from work (before the kids are home).
I am sticking to my guns this time. She must commit to complete NC with other man or I am beginning the separation. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I have to stand up for myself, my family, and my marriage.
I appreciate all of you and your support.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
NC is key to getting the fog to break. Affair fog is a powerful drug. You have to be willing to lose the relationship to save it. Remember not to get into too heated of an argument with someone in an affair. They're not themselves. Keep yourself very calm and under control. Explain that you love her and are willing to meet her half way to mending your R but that you will not tolerate an open marriage and any affairs on her part will lead straight to divorce (not a fan of separation, that's not serious enough to snap them out of it in my opinion.).
You're making great progress. You might see her go crazy and not want any transparency - like my WW did. W/O transparency, the marriage is doomed. Think of a 12 step program like AA. She's got to think the effort, the weeks of withdrawl from OM is worth it. You're making it worth it on your end, but she needs to go cold turkey, and make it through the worst of it. Going to a therapist by herself is something she should consider. White-knuckling it, with a OM nearby, can only lead to more longing. It did in my case. My WW has unresolved issues from her past.
I did, too, BTW. Going to counseling for porn addiction. Took the EA/PA, and the BD to figure out I had a problem, and it contributed to the whole mess. You're a good man for getting help, and getting yourself into a position to be the best Lostman a woman has ever seen. THAT, as well as a wife who wants to do lots of work on herself and the R, will make your marriage so strong this will never happen again. You can do it!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Well, I told her she must choose to end the affair with complete transparency or we begin separation immediately. I am at home (left work to be home early) and we will be talking when she gets home from work (before the kids are home).
I am sticking to my guns this time. She must commit to complete NC with other man or I am beginning the separation. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I have to stand up for myself, my family, and my marriage.
I appreciate all of you and your support.
Amazing - way to go and protect your boundaries!
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Thank you all for the support. She agreed to transparency and broke down. Yesterday was a difficult day and there was a lot of pain/hurt that was shared.
Words don't mean that much though. Actions must match the words.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Taking a stand can have 2 outcomes. 1. The WW goes NC with OM and agrees to transparency. Or 2. She can say NO. Either way it is the best action for the LBH to take because you know what you're dealing with.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Thank you all for the support. She agreed to transparency and broke down. Yesterday was a difficult day and there was a lot of pain/hurt that was shared.
Words don't mean that much though. Actions must match the words.
Breaking down is great! Bottoming out means the only way to go is up. She does have a lot of work to do but so do you. The road to recovery takes both of you. Be a rock. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Not temporarily, make it a life change.
Hold her feet to the fire, b/c when her craving kicks in, or OM tries to contact her......the temptation will be very high. Remember, although she has agreed to transparency.....you cannot trust her at her word. You must verify. Don't check her messages at the same time every day. You can even let a few days ease by and then check it.
This is for her, as well as for you. My H did not ask for transparency, but I did it anyway. I had learned why it was important, and I found out how it helps the W stick to the NC.
She is in for a rough time, but she can do it. She will need your strength and support.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
