The constant texting is new since second BD last Thursday. He has always been glued to his phone, but this is a new level. It feels like he is constantly on his phone.
As for his time, he works all day Monday to Friday (with a very short lunch break) and always comes straight home. Week nights he has a standard twice a week coffee date with my sister's husband, so that is verified. Up until this past weekend he has spent every weekend with me for months in a travel trailer on some property we have, which is an hour and a half from where we live. It is only this week since BD that he is not giving explanations when he goes out....but I see this more as him trying to assert his independence from me.
As for personality change, he has not been the man I married for at least the last two years, he is never the same two days in a row.
I am truly sorry about your situation. Having something blatantly flaunted in your face like that must be very painful. I know how hard it is to stay positive in the face of all of this.
But you need to ask yourself what will you do either way. You cannot control what he does, but you can change what you do.
This should not become an obsession.Either you snoop and act in accordance to what you find or you forget about it and trust your gut. Dwelling on this will not help you.
What did your coach suggest?
As for others opinions/advice, no one else has to walk in your shoes. You can only do what is right for you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
My gut tells me he is not having an A. I have considered snooping, but since an A would not be a deal breaker for me at this point, as I would see it as a symptom of the current crappy state of our R, I guess the best thing for me to do would be to leave it and try not to obsess over it.
The obsessing part is the hardest part for me.I have been a worrier my entire life....about everything. I am a second guesser, I am indecisive, I am overly sensitive to remarks. It is something I have always had to struggle to overcome, and this situation just sends it into overdrive. I am trying so hard to get a handle on it, but 40 years of worry wart is hard to get under control easily. Lol
My DB coach has asked three or four times if I thought H was having an A. Each time I told her I really do not feel he is. I feel like she thinks he might be, but she has not offered any advice on this either way.
I think the biggest thing is that I just do not want to feel stupid for not seeing something that has maybe been right in my face the whole time. As with everyone I am sure, I feel like I know H inside and out and that I would know without a doubt if he was having an A or not...but I have to keep reminding myself that he is not the man I married anymore and all bets are off on anything.
Last night my H had dinner with me, helped clean up the dishes, and then disappeared out of the house without a word for almost five hours. He did not come back till almost midnight. (I believe this is part of his process of detaching from me). I felt hurt and angry and had real trouble trying to focus on me and keep it all in check. As it got to my bedtime, still hurt and angry, I shut off all the lights in the house, locked all the doors, shut my bedroom door (which I usually leave open for him as there is no storage in the guest room and most of his clothes are still in our bedroom)and got into bed.
As I lay there I suddenly realized this bitter, passive aggresive, angry person was not who I wanted to be. I got back up, turned on the hall light next to the garage so he could see when he came in, I turned on his bedside lamp in his room, I opened my own bedroom door, got into bed and pulled out my book to read and waited for him to come home.
When he finally came in, as he walked past my bedroom door, I asked very pleasantly if he had had a nice evening. He stopped and there was a momentary pause as he tried to figure out how to react to this. Finally he said yes he had. That he had just met up with some friends from work for a cup of coffee, then went for a drive. I said pleasantly "Thats nice". Then told him about how I had a small issue with the dvd player when I had gone to watch a movie. He told me pleasantly that he would fix it for me the next day.
I feel happy for finding the strength in myself to turn a situation around and act in a way that I am proud of, instead of lashing out with passive aggressive anger, as I started out doing. So a terrible evening ended on a really good note because I made the choice to change my behavior. I am learning slowly but surely!
Smh you're doing great. Your instincts will tell you if he is, I say if you feel he is- he probably is. Good on you for not being the angry person. After discovering last night that my h is texting another girl with messages that highly suggest a pa- I'm trying very hard not to be angry. I want to smash his car, throw his clothes out, hit him over the head with a blunt object- you name it.
These are good signs, he was most probably a little bit taken aback that you didn't shout and scream at the fact he had been out all night.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, thanks so much for the support. Everyone is so great on this forum.
I almost smiled to myself when he paused before he answered. I knew right there that I had thrown him a curve ball. It felt good to throw him off.
I am sorry to hear about your H's PA. It is such a selfish act that hurts so many people. I feel your pain. It is a maddening, frustrating, helpless feeling! Hold strong and maybe break dishes instead of car windows!
smh I loved your post about how you did what you believed was right, not what you felt was right.
In my sitch I am struggling with my emotional state from day to day and I know this is slowing me down because my reactions are based on feelings and that is not healthy for my state of mind right now. So I thank you for sharing because it gives me some insight on how I can still reverse some actions that I take based on feelings to do what is right based on the proper belief.
And I am smiling now that I know you smiled. Someone told me today that smiles are contagious....I guess even over the internet they are.
Have a wonderful rest of your day!
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I meant to type ea, that's bad enough. I don't want it to turn to a pa! I just don't know how to hold it together right now. I'm really struggling. And I'm struggling the urge when h comes home not to say something.
Where you're at, really thinking things through to throw them off their track, is exactly where I need to get myself at. That's what really makes them take note. Let them start thinking things over.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
