My Story - the circular nature of causality

[TxHubby]

Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?

Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.

[1gr8dad]

Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?

Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.

Thx TxHubby, I do agree I have been passive in the MR. I also realize my betrayal has fuelled and justified her A. So I have to let her carve her own path though it's likely doomed for failure - it's just a matter of when, not if.

Regarding exposing the affair, most feedback I've gotten is that If I were the one to expose it, I would take all the blame and it would push us further away. As you said, everyone knew about your Ws A at work, so it's just a matter of time before it blows up on it's own. I just don't want my hand to have any part of that.

In the meantime I am now onto LRTs, detaching, going dark and now GALing as much as possible. If there's any chance of reconciliation, I feel it will be far out from now.

I'm onto submitting my financials, moving on with my life, becoming a better person, and focusing on my D3.

[1gr8dad]

Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?

We don't always know what the label is on our spouses.
Could also be MLC.

My opinion is to not let that concern you.

DB'ing is shifting the focus off of our spouses and placing it on the one person we can CONTROL.

OURSELVES.

That is the area that I think you should worry about.

Thanks for this Cadet, it's just what I needed to hear!

What would you DO differently if you had this knowledge?

Well, If she wasn't wayward than maybe I should not be using LRTs (which has seemed to be ineffective so far)
Maybe I should be focusing on exiting the MR as respectively as possible and focus on being a good co-parent.

[TxHubby]

Please help, am I dealing with a WW or WAW?

Both. She's a WW who is walking away. Walking away to a man that is fighting for her vs a husband who is being very passive about the whole thing.

Thx TxHubby, I do agree I have been passive in the MR. I also realize my betrayal has fuelled and justified her A. So I have to let her carve her own path though it's likely doomed for failure - it's just a matter of when, not if.

Regarding exposing the affair, most feedback I've gotten is that If I were the one to expose it, I would take all the blame and it would push us further away. As you said, everyone knew about your Ws A at work, so it's just a matter of time before it blows up on it's own. I just don't want my hand to have any part of that.

In the meantime I am now onto LRTs, detaching, going dark and now GALing as much as possible. If there's any chance of reconciliation, I feel it will be far out from now.

I'm onto submitting my financials, moving on with my life, becoming a better person, and focusing on my D3.

There are plenty of ways to facilitate exposure with no direct links back to you.

[Cadet]

Maybe I should be focusing on exiting the MR as respectively as possible and focus on being a good co-parent.

Well LRT is really used to protect YOU.
Added benefit is not enabling her or providing any of her needs.

I would be focused on being a good parent no matter what you label her.
As far as exiting the MR, my suggestion is to do what ever you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

[1gr8dad]

There are plenty of ways to facilitate exposure with no direct links back to you.

Thx TxHubby, though I do not even want any indirect link back. What is now clear to me in life is that the truth will eventually surface. When? This is out of our control. Intervening on my part, even indirectly, would eventually be discovered. Irregardless, my WW's A will eventually be exposed on its own.

Well LRT is really used to protect YOU.
Added benefit is not enabling her or providing any of her needs.

I would be focused on being a good parent no matter what you label her.
As far as exiting the MR, my suggestion is to do what ever you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Thanks Cadet, your sage words are so helpful. I'm now focused on moving forward with or without my W.

Currently I do not want to really speak with STBXW on anything unless it's to do with D3. This is for my own protection and detachment which has worked on my side. As I detach there's less pain.

I've made progress on the paperwork I must submit to L.
I made progress on GAL, I have created my own meetup group for single parents with kids in my area and we will be going to fun kids venues on weekends.

Thanks again Cadet, TxHubby, Cristy, CWOL, Lostman, and LiM, for all your support, shared stories and interest in my sitch.

You input will not be forgotten. Love to all.

[Lostman]

Keep us informed on how things continue to progress. Good work on the meetup group. Being social will help.

You are a truly a great dad and your D is lucky to have you.

[1gr8dad]

Thanks so much Lostman, I appreciate your encouragement.

We've agreed to put D3 in daycare starting in Aug. WW wants to meet me with D3 on friday after work to take D3 to the Daycare to check it out and register.

Do you think this is a good idea to go with her at this point? At this point I dread seeing her because of the pain it causes. Having the 3 of us together I assume will be even tougher because it's a reminder of what we once had. I kinda prefer keeping in dark mode but not sure if it's good for D3 to have both her parents there when registering for Daycare.

Any thoughts are welcome.

[1gr8dad]

We had a great day yesterday at the meetup I organized. 3 other parents with their young kids showed up to our event at the science centre. It was nice having other parents to interact with while the 4 kids played together. All of us had a blast and we're going to do another event next Sat.

GAL continues strong: I meet up with an old university friend adn his brother last night after dropping D3 to her mom's, and we caught up. They gave me some good support and told me that the big positive thing is that I will now be able to find a partner that is much more compatible. I know there will be a lot of work for me till I reach that day. I have to focus on detaching and healing, understanding my patterns in the MR that contributed to the eventual failure, and accepting and loving myself.

Also yesterday my WW asked if we could discuss a few things when I drop D3 to her house, but as I had plans I told her I couldn't stay for long but offered to do lunch this week. She couldn't commit to lunch this week at all so no idea what she wants to discuss at this point. Let's see.

Today I also attended a Single Parents Social brunch - another meetup I'm a member of and met some other cool parents and made friends with another single dad who has the same separation timeline as me.

Nonetheless I'm still very lonely and deeply miss having my one and only mate, though I know that person is no where to be found now and she continues her own separate life with her boss/OM.

At this point I'm giving up hope on Reconciliation but I dread the dysfunction and challenge of co-parenting. I have to accept this as there's no other option.

The only thing I do now is to pray that the Holy Spirit touches her heart to forgive my wrongdoings and to one day have hope in our MR and seek R. The choice will ultimately be hers.

[1gr8dad]

8 weeks of physical separation has now passed.

Good news - D3 was accepted into a Daycare that is close to my childhood church which I've re-started to attend weekly. This location sets the stage for where WW and I will soon relocate and be in two separate bi-nuclear homes for D3. This is where we carry out the rest of our separate lives. Just need to sell the matrimonial home now.

Tomorrow I am meeting WW and D3 at the day-care to check it out. It will be the first time the 3 of us do something together in a long while.

There's no hope of reconciliation in sight, so I'm head-down on all the financial paperwork that needs to be filled for the Separation Agreement.

The loneliness is difficult but appreciate the support of all the great DBers here.