Have been sharing your feelings lately. I totally get the reasons behind your actions regarding your W. I really don't see it as much guilt as just pure simple love for the ones you put in this world.
Maybe I am in such big denial that I don't see it clear, but the love and dedication we give to our kids is much bigger then our ego and self centered selfishness and we do what it takes to see our kids happy, even if it will break our hearts.
The wounds created by one or two parents in our past makes us to think we do not want our little ones to feel the same. IMO, it is not control, it is not guilt, it is just thinking straight and deciding that we do not want our children to walk the same path as we did.
I see that in your sitch, as I see in mine and I totally understand the feeling and all what you allow your W.
I think the hard part for us is to get ourselves in a place of balance that we won't be so hurt by the presence of someone that is deciding to take us from their lives.
I can just believe that time will cure some of the open wounds and we will be in one piece sometime in the future. Besides that, I can see only that we just struggle to keep the every day responsibilities going.
Some days are happy, uplifting, shared with joy and adventures, and then there are days that we just look back and see what it could be, why it did not, what and why it happened this way, regrets of some choices and pride of others, a deep pain in the heart for being left behind, a great feeling of loss and yet a hope that life is not done yet and we may, just may find some kind of happiness in the days to come.
Reality is cruel and we were left to face it and be brave enough so we can do the job. Our kids are teenagers and some would say that they can take care after themselves. Some, like us think that the job is not yet done, teenagers can take the wrong path and if they do our jobs will be a hundred times more difficult.
There is a lot to do when you have the teenagers, it is not just about doing their laundry or cooking for the hungry ninja turtles. It's about guiding on their decisions, talking the tough talk, setting hard boundaries, giving the example. At some point in time you are the parent and teacher, counselor, maid, police, doctor and on, and on, you name it.
So RD, my sweet and lovely RD that I really admire. IMHO, I don't see anything wrong with you. You did a lot at your youth time and desire to have a family and all the benefits that comes with it.
We all make mistakes, say things we regret, regret the ones we didn't do. But we are just humans. In a normal life we need to get busy to make money, to provide for the ones we love. This alone will drive you crazy and so many days go by and we do not pay attention in some details that should be important but they did not seem to play in our heads.
I think that moving forward we need to really look at ourselves and stop being so negative about it, we need to value that we are still struggling but in the same time we are the ones standing and doing the heavy lift. We did many mistakes but we are the ones that would swallow the pride and say "I am sorry".
We can't determined or control anyone's choices, but we can look at ourselves and feel good that we did not give up because some belly ache.
I hope you can find that value inside of you and look at yourself in the mirror and let go on the bad feelings. You are doing the right thing here. You are looking after the ones you love and admire the most in this world, and that is a treasure we can't deny.
The struggle and the pain will probably go a little further for us since family had a strong value in our lives, but it won't be forever RD, sooner then later you will start feeling better and your heart will be free to love again. It is just a matter of time.
