Just a little big update, and a thanks for all of you helping me out. I know I was posting like a nutjob like I did back in BD, but it did help, so thank you.
I had some realizations this weekend which I discussed with my guardian angel, aka, my IC. I read an article which made me realize, that although I couldn't do things his way(which I tried), I didn't love him any less. And he could not do things my way at this time in his life (i.e commitment and effort) it doesn't mean he loved me any less. We both had to be true to ourselves. And I completely understand why he couldn't commit to me right now. Long story, but he needed to do his own thing for a while, else there would have been ton of regret on his end. This lifted some of the anger out of my heart and filled me with compassion instead. My IC said my realization was incredibly mature and she wouldn't have even realized that. Then I told her I never let him go, because I felt in the back of my mind he would come back, and it is desperately holding me back ad the only way I felt like I could do it is reaching out to him, tell him how I have been feeling since we ended and what I have come to realize. It is incredibly anti-DB, and I thought she would knock it down, but I'm not trying to get him back. I'm trying to move on, be honest with myself and him, and be able to see him in the future because our paths will cross due to mutual friends. She said I should absolutely reach out and write an email if it is for my closure and to be able to move on. I've started it, and don't know when I will send it, but it was therapeutic just to write it.
That being said, my IC and I got to the bottom of how I am feeling the overwhelming weight of all responsibilities and feeling stretched entirely too thin and how that feeling has been exacerbated since everything happened. He wasn't here helping me with any of my everyday life, but it brought to light the true feeling of the simple things, when someone cares enough to talk about your day with at the end, tell you they miss you, and have that type of intimate conversation, how it could truly dull the weight of all the stressors. I loved being with him on the weekends when he would make a meal for me, rub my feet, make me a fire (in the fireplace,lol)..... when you have no one "taking care" of you for so long, you realize what a difference it makes. So, it was good to identify why I was so stressed and anxiety filled with my crazy life, when really, my responsibilities hadn't changed. I was feeling guilty about going back to the gym on D8's swim team days (I joined the gym at the Y where she swims) because I would not have her home until 7:45 on those days. My IC ensured me she is a kid, she can handle it and it would be good for her. And it is imperative for me. She sees how I need my outlet desperately. I can no longer go home, do my chores and just sit on that couch, it was making me a nut case. So last night, I joined the gym, she came along, I took a spin class and felt infinitely better. I can't even explain what it did for my spirit. I was calmer, not high strung and even got more done when I got home, and appreciated my hour of TV, which I was hating when it was all I had. My dad had also asked me where I wanted to go for mothers day, what I wanted to do, what time ect. I said, "dad, you know what I would love? Anything that you plan for me that doesn't involve me having to make a decision or plan it. I just want to show up." He said absolutely. Spending so long being the only one who plans and makes decisions, it would be a DREAM for me to just enjoy something. Even if the plan was lunch at mc Donald's.
One last thing. I might be going to Israel in May! My BFF's H is going for business, she is going with and wants me to come. Even though my jacka$$ of an exH claimed our daughter on the wrong year in his taxes and caused mine to reject (grrrrrr), I will eventually get it, it was a sizable amount, and this is a once in a lifetime chance! I am having passport issues due to name chance (I cant find the divorce document with the seal). I hope this all works out,
