Welcome to limbo land

[Cherry]

Thanks inpain I really worked hard at trying to trust again. He agreed to complete transparency for a while. But I guess people are right when they say a person out of an affair and not fully out of the fog is like an addict looking for another fix.

I don't know how I'll do this again

[JksD]

(((Cherry)))

I am so sorry!

This really svcks!

Don't do anything first. Hold your cards close. Let the emotions settle first before you start taking actions or making decisions.

[JksD]

Hey Cherry,
Would you be able to get to a DB coach or counsellor? They may be able to give you advice.

[Zephyr]

I I had to know wether I was just dealing with a depressed spouse. Or am I dealing with someone pining for an a and the rush he gets.

So these can be one in the same thing...it changes nothing on your path to making you the best you can be, right?

Whether you are married, divorced, he is depressed or flirting around...your path is the same.

So, i know last spring there were conversations on boundaries. Have you had time to reconsider what those are...now more than ever they will be necessary to protect yourself.

This is icky, and im sorry that you had to see this crap from him.

You are a strong woman, you will get theough this!!!

[Cherry]

I'm trying my best not to act. When I really really wanna tell him that I know.

Guess I'll have to wait. I think boundaries are a good start, but do enforce these once I confront?

I got up and went to work. Now I feel I don't know what to do with myself

[Zephyr]

This is hard.

First thing first, even before you decide about confronting or enforcing is for you to articulate to youraelf exactly what your boundaries are.

What are your deal breakers?

Then you decide how far you are willing to go to protect yourself. Cant this before the first step.

If you want to pist them here, there will be folks willing to take a peak.

Also, now more than ever i truly encourage you to head over to the mlc forums....there are centuries of experience andd wisdom to help with these exact situations.

Btw, a curiosity...you have mentioned your husbands childhood being rough. Do you have more info on this? Was his childhood abusive, emotionally, physically, sexually, etc? If it is something you dont feel like talking about, i will understand.

[Cherry]

He has seen a lot of violence from a stepdad, and his own dad physically abused him before abandoning him. He's had a hard life where despite his mums love he has struggled.

I think it this r is to develop into a pa I can't take it. This has already been done once.

I feel once confronted, he needs to go sleep in another room. (Though I feel in a way that makes things easier as he will just sit texting/talking all night without distractions.

I feel like I need to build a wall of detachment. One he cannot pass. I get the feeling when he told me he would always love me as the mother of his child that he was temp checking. Or feeding me bait to keep me on the back burner

[Cherry]

I feel like confronting him. And outing his behaviour- letting him know I'm on to him and that this is not acceptable

[Cherry]

Is anyone around? Thinking I just need a logical brain.
I feel like I'm back to last year at to the beginning when I feel sick to the stomach at him coming home because I to tell him I know. I know this probably isn't going to help matters, but I want him to know this hurts.

I know when I'm feeling like this I'm letting him rule my emotions. Just makes me so so angry.

[Sotto]

Hi Cherry, I'm sorry to read of this latest development. You know, sometimes I think it can be useful to get Intel like that, because then you know where you're at. Not where you wanted to be just now - but clearer on the current position at least.

I agree with Z that a DB coach might be a good idea at this point. But in the meantime, I'll offer my 0.2 if that helps. I don't think it would be a bad idea to tell him what you know - along the lines of - I looked at your phone and saw messages that were flirtatious between you and Nancy. You had an A with Doris and we both agreed to work on our marriage. You sending messages like that is disrespectful to me and to our marriage. I'd like you to tell me what is going on.

Response from him (don't let him gaslight you here - 'you're overreacting. I can't live with your paranoia, she's just a friend, how dare you snoop etc.)

Boundary from you - so, he has had a PA and is now having inappropriate contact with OW. What can and can't you live with? Will you still be willing to ML, sleep in the same bed? Live in the same house? Will you want to S, file for D?

I'm not suggesting you should do any or all of these things - just that you should be clear about what you can and can't live with and take due steps to draw your boundary.

I'm no vet and this is JMHO - in an ideal world you would wait for vets to chime in and/or contact a DB coach - but I'm just offering my opinion FWIW.

Take care (((((hugs))))