Ups and downs (II)

[TimR]

JujuB, I was right were you are. Doubting everything I did and blaming myself for WW's actions. The first time I went in to see my IC I had a typed list of all my faults as a man and a H. It was three pages long! Most of it was what she told me and the rest is what I conjured up. I read everyone off to the counselor and explained them. He tried to interrupt me a few times but I felt so incredibly guilty I kept going. After I finished, he said one sentence, "I doubt you were that bad of a H, after all you are the one fighting to save the M." Through all the shame and guilt that sentence stuck with me.

Later on through books and this forum as well as IC, I went back and reviewed my list. I found as I progressed many of the faults she pointed out to me were actually her faults she was transposing on to me. I started crossing the ones off I knew were not true. The ones that were left made for a much shorter list:

1. Failed to show affection
2. Failed to open up
3. Failed to help around the house/lazy
4. Put the kids and mainly S13 before her
5. Failed to communicate how I felt about her
6. Put the entire family before myself (is this a fault?)

That's it that is my list.

V really helped me with the 1, 2, and 5 with an exercise of writing a letter to my grandfather and father. However, those are still a work in progress. As I have a new relationship slowly budding, I am increasingly open with her and communicate exactly what I am feeling. While it really is not a show of affection, I do not recoil when I come into contact with her. I used to do that a lot when I came into incidental physical contact with people. With my Ss I also show affection. I text S13 every night goodnight and that I love him. I express to S16 just because I am not there all the time, I will always be there for him and encourage him to call if he ever needs anything.

Number 3 was cured with me getting off my as$ and doing stuff around the house. In fact my understanding is that the boys after they came down for Easter made comments to W and MIL about how clean the house was, that really p!ssed them off. My house is not perfect it but it is somewhat tiddy.

As far as the other two, well to me that is what a parent and H does. He is supposed to put the kids and W before himself, just as the W is supposed to put the kids and H before herself. If that truly bothered my WW that is her problem, imagine a mother being jealous of her own kids. That is something she needs to workout for herself.

Well anyway my long way of making a point, is that you should not let your H control your thought process. Discover for yourself, through self reflection what your faults are. WS's will say anything to justify their own poor behavior.

I wish you well JujuB and hope in your search of yourself you find the strength that we all possess and realize your great worth.