WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[trumpet]

Day off from work, and guess what? Work emergency, so I go in. Lots of crud to deal with there, but still is a bright spot in my life.

WW is way wayward, and D is moving forward. I've expressed that I want to move on, and want the D to progress quickly since we have so much of the details worked out. She's being very generous on her end, actually. I want equitable split, including time with the kids, and it looks like that's happening. I get to keep my 401k, she keeps hers, which is much smaller, so I do think the guilt of the EA/PA is contributing to that.

I have talked a bit with her - she has now told me I'm distant, and only answer in 'OK' or 'sounds good', very pithy comments, which is totally true. She wants a 'friendly' divorce, which I'm not giving her. I still told her I have hope for us in the future, but that I want to move on, and hope that she's making the right choice. For her, she has no plans, except to live in our house along, with the kids 50% of the time, and continue to have an EA with a man 3 hours away, who will most likely drop her from his life when his divorce is done, and he finds a woman in his city that can provide for his physical needs. I'm beginning to feel really sad for her, as she's angry at me, at our church and pastor for calling her out on the affair being wrong... her comments of 'everyone is so judgemental' make me laugh. If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't have said anything.

She also thinks I'm just wanting to move quickly in the D to get something from her, or I have ulterior motives, which I find funny. Just want to get out from under the same roof as her, as she has OM on the brain, and can't see reality for what it is.

If I was a stronger husband and man, I would have blown up the affair, and kicked her out, or moved out. I needed time to mature, to face my addiction demon, and I am. There are days I'm tested, but today I'm 158 days porn free. No masturbation, either. Let me tell you, that right there is a miracle in itself. No 'release' in probably 160 days. My body is ok with it, but c'mon, sex is fun for most people, so the urges won't go away. Probably too much info for most of you, but I have nothing to lose. If this helps someone out there, I'm all for it. I want to be an open book, and help my kids understand that they need to have BELIEFS that can override their urges and feelings, and that having willpower is a wonderful thing. A blessed thing. I believe I'm becoming a better Trumpet, and will continue to do so. I'll find someone down the road, God will put them in my life, and we'll take it from there.

Some days I'm really lonely - this isn't a walk through the tulips, folks. Today I got really upset, and my oldest D saw it and asked about it - but instead of saying 'nothing is wrong', I told her I WAS angry, and explained why I was, and that right there is the difference in me. I can explain WHAT I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling it. And after that little talk, and a big hug from her, it got a lot better. The top was off the fizzing 2 liter, so it didn't explode. Every day is a work in progress. Every morning I pray, and tell God I'm grateful for the work he is working in me, through me. Big things are on the horizon for Trumpet.