WAW is angry and filing divorce

[SH_]

Hi V!

I appreciate you checking with me regularly.

My IC thinks that my medium to high anxiety attacks stem from how much I absorb from WAW in our interactions. He says that it sounds that I maintain my cool and in the moments it may seem that the barbs, accusations and verbal attacks just blow past, but I am actually just absorbing it all and that they start to manifest themselves as I think about them and then start plugging them in as more truth than they are into how I view myself.

He challenged me to set boundaries and the boundaries need to include that when she crosses them that I separate from the conversation and let her cool down and come back and resume once she reflects and can then conversate and focus on the facts and details not emotions. Sounds interesting in theory. Let's see if I can implement it and have her maintain some cool. He encouraged that I help my D17 so she can set the same boundaries.

I am anxious for her to move out and then see what issues I have that I can work on with my IC. He is confident we can get things under control within 3 to 6 months. I'll tKe that optimism for now.

[SH_]

I am also anxious to try some real Dbing while not in the middle of the storm. I really want to become the man I know I can be and without expectation have the hope that my family can become whole again God willing.

[Vanilla]

When I first arrived here I blamed myself for all the troubles of my R. I had no boundaries and was a complete doormat.

Then I went through a phase where I was so upset and distressed when WH raged at me I raged back, I called that my screaming banshee phase, as I result my embarrassment and guilt resulted in insults and contempt were daily feelings I absorbed. I felt I deserved it.

I even stated contempt wasn't a boundary issue for me.

My best resource on boundaries is Al Turtle who writes and explains boundaries for young adults, his way of discussing boundaries really helped me. I found that my boundaries were non existent in many areas of my life leading to absorbing others dramas and giving away my personal power. Life is different now.

It wasn't just WH but all areas of my life. I am sad about it although I am growing well. It is learning.

As I set my boundaries others around me began to react and push back. As you set boundaries be prepared for that push back. My life is easier now although two or three people in my life have pressed back too hard. I have lost drama and a couple of people in my life who had to go.

It is fine now though and I have really benefited from setting boundaries.

Of course one of the losses was WH and that still distresses me although ultimately I think this was going to happen, with boundaries this happened sooner.

It is taking a while but things are much better.

So sadhub, what are the boundaries you need to set?

V

[SH_]

Hi V!

The boundaries that my IC advised me on are he boundaries of the personal insults and accusations. I will set these around the first time I may validate her feelings, the second time I will let her know that it is not acceptable to do it and the third time, I will let her know that the conversation will have to continue at a later point once she can cool down and come back to the table and stay focused on the facts and truths that we need to discuss. I will basically explain this ahead of time so that she understands the boundaries and can then decide to play nice, or the conversation will need to be tabled until she can.

I am also to share these strategies with my D17 so she can avoid the angry accusations when speaking with her mother.

On a side note, 2 days in a row with a pleasant WAW under the same roof. Not a kind loving person, but no sign of the angry person that came home all last week.

A sad moment yesterday. I arrived home and WAW was going through boxes of photos and family items sorting through. My D5 came over and rummaged through and found our wedding photo. She picked it up and said "This is when mommy loved daddy, but now she doesn't anymore." My heart broke off another piece at this. My D17 then asked, what did you say? And I looked at the WAW and saw zero emotion in her face and then I replied before D5 could, "Nothing sweetheart, it was nothing."

Still wondering at how this came on so fast......

[SH_]

Update

It has now been 3 days of a WAW being civil and in some instances, almost nice in sparse interactions. Hopefully this calm can maintain until the separation in a week and a half. She is noticeably very tired and has made many comments about how tired and stressed she is feeling.

Last night we had a discussion to sort through details for the finances so the L can write up some paperwork. It went surprisingly smooth with just one moment where she started to go off the rails. I was able to set a boundary at that moment, and she promptly backed up and respected it from there.

The calm feels so peaceful at the moment that I am actually able to breath with some normalcy.

I have read some archived threads on these forums form WAW's that really hit home with me and have for the first time provided some perspective for me in my sitch. It helped me understand where the anger may be coming from, and in a weird way helped me this morning take very little stock in a reaction she had towards me that was angry.

The flip side of the perspective is that I feel a little down about the short comings that I have demonstrated for far too long and know that I must make some serious changes. These are around codependency and low self esteem. Two of my long standing battles. Both probable or better stated likely reasons for my sitch. And my sitch has added too these challenges further. Self esteem at an all time low and fear of being alone is very real at the moment. Basically this is what rock bottom is feeling like, and I need to stand up from here.

My plans are to continue to meet with IC, DB coach, and church leader for guidance, healing, and plans of action. I need to research some CBT as well I believe.

Another big obstacle is to overcome some of my social anxiety and build a social network for support, service and peace of mind.

Any other ideas from those of you on here that provide support would be welcome. I see my issues and realize that my management of these issues in my life and MR have led to my current sitch, and now I am desperate to manage these in a more healthy way so I can be a better father, future husband and man.

Thank you for listening.

[Cadet]

Another big obstacle is to overcome some of my social anxiety and build a social network for support, service and peace of mind.

Any other ideas from those of you on here that provide support would be welcome. I see my issues and realize that my management of these issues in my life and MR have led to my current sitch, and now I am desperate to manage these in a more healthy way so I can be a better father, future husband and man.

I think that you are looking in the mirror to see what you can change is a great way to proceed.
Just know that no matter what you did wrong you are not the one that should take the total blame for the downfall of your marriage.
Take charge of your 50% and clean that part up.
Let the other 50% go, as you did not cause that.

So what is your list of changes that you are going to make?

[Phoebe]

I think it's really important to reach out for as much support as we possible can, 1313. You sound like you're on the right track.

I'm struggling right now on that front after a remarkably bad week, but I did reach out to my IC immediately after the latest crisis (for my second appt this week!), and have spent a lot of time with my parents. I'm trying to find a DivorceCare group, but not having much luck - the local ones are all in their later meetings, and I really need the early ones about dealing with the initial crisis, anger, depression, etc.. I did just sign up to join a Meetup Beyond Affairs Network, not that that's exactly where I am, but it's part of the problem and any support is a good thing right now. They have to approve my membership. so waiting on that.

I'm glad to hear that things are calm in your situation right now.

[Phoebe]

Sorry, SadHub. I do't know why I typed 1313 in where you name was meant to be! Oops. I was definitely replying to you!!!

[SH_]

Hi Cadet,

I am sitting down this weekend and outlining the list and plans. It will include things for overcoming my anxiety so I can make sound decisions, it will include making social contacts for human connections and it will include identifying better management of depressive episodes.

I am also going to study relationship material so I can make, maintain and serve better relationships whether it be as a father, husband, son, brother or friend.

Also I will be working on forgiveness. For myself so that I can in turn be genuine in my forgiving of others.

These are just some of the changes that I will be making.

I will share my initial created list as I complete it this weekend.

It will give me a place to start and focus on and help me move forward.

[SH_]

Lol. Thank you Phoebe for the support. I assumed you were posting to me even with the 1313

I am an introvert and tend to shy away from sharing with others, but this experience has shown me how valuable having a support group can be. I should have sought out the support years ago, but was too proud and well, just to introverted to do it.

Better late than never eh?

I am looking up some support groups for divorced fathers and the such and look forward to help and well, support from those that can relate to the situation.