Until she has made the decision that she is with your marriage 100 percent and is ready and willing to do anything and everything it takes to make it work, you have nothing to talk about. To give her words any more importance at this point is just to stay on the crazy train and gives her continued control over your emotions. If she has not explicitly chosen you, she is choosing OW, or at least, an alternate life without you. Maybe she does feel guilt, shame, etc., etc. She *should* feel those things because she screwed up big time! But this is her journey. It's not up to you to fix her, and more importantly, you *cannot* fix her.
If she loves you and wants you, she will find her way back and you will not have to do anything to make it happen. Most certainly you will not have to scheme and worry or fret about saying or doing the wrong thing or missing opportunities. I always think back to how my H acted before we started dating... He pursued me relentlessly for *years*, even though I dated other guys, only occasionally returned his phone calls, and more or less treated him like my kid brother. I often joked that the biggest reason I married him was because he wouldn't go away. Someone who truly wants you will make the effort. If W was ready to return to your relationship, she would.
The only thing you can truly do right now is detach, detach, detach and become the best NYGal you can be. Not so you can post fun pics on FB to make her jealous, but to make your life so freaking fantastic that you aren't even thinking about whether or not she's looking. That's when she will notice.
