GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[bigybiz]

Look at me I hit a 100 posts

Here is the link to my past thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2666697&page=1

[bigybiz]

Last night I was rereading some sections of DB. There is a section where Michele says "if you woke up and a miracle had happened and your spouse... how would you act differently"

Can one of the moderators or other experienced DB/DR give me some insight on how to inject that thinking into my 180/Last resort. MY gut tells me that if I woke up and W was a little more receptive to me - I would be a little more receptive, affection a.k.a. pursuing. I'm guessing that would be wrong no pursing is the fundamental step for us.

I do like the idea of "changing my mindset a little"

Looking forward to hearing from all of you.

[bigybiz]

Any ideas out there? I'm doing OK at the GAL - In fact yesterday I got my learners permit for a motorcycle - No helmet, no bike, no $ but it's still a step.

I'm a little confused about the Act As If and my detachment, Boundaries, etc. Can/should I slightly alter my attitude to try and anticipate a change ??

Any ideas out there?

[TimR]

Acting as if, is when you are expecting something bad, but you act as if you are expecting it is going to be something good. The book gives a good example of her coming home from a trip knowing her H is going to be in a bad mood. Rather than walk on egg shells she acted as if she expected him to be happy and glad to see her. She explain while he was initially a bit shocked, he swung right into be happy. (That is probably a poor paraphrase of the story).

Detaching means not SHOWING that WS spouses actions are bothering you, or mooping, pouting. It is being light and breezy. Yes what they say or do may tare you up inside but you do not show it. Act light and breezy. Your a jerk, no sweat off my back, you F'd up my whole life, sorry you feel that way, guess we will have to agree to disagree. etc. It is NOT showing how you feel.

Boundaries are things you are not going to take anymore and the consequences for crossing them. My WW enjoyed screaming at me and demeaning me. Oh she would call me names and make me feel like an inch tall idiot. My boundary, we are not together anymore so I am not going to take it. If it were on the phone, I would validate three times and then tell her I will not continue to be talked to this way, if she persisted I would end the conversation. I actually did this several times, validate she would stumble over a few words and come back meaner, then I told her if she continued I would end the conversation. That would really set her off, then I hung up the phone. It worked she would cool down most times, but then others she would get worse and start threats. She was also good at drawing me into the fight.

I hope that helps. Others my have other opinions and interpretations, but that is mine. Good luck to you buddy!

[sandi2]

Acting as if you are fine, even though you don't feel fine. Acting as if you are a confident man, although you don't feel confident. Acting as if you are as strong and solid as a rock, even though you are crying on the inside. Acting as if you will be happy with or without her in your life, although you are praying it will be with her.

That old saying, "Fake it till you make", can work for us if we apply correctly.

[roist]

I disagree with Tim about detaching, but use his description to fake it until you make it.

Detaching is about reaching a point where her actions don't affect you or impact on either your mood or behavior. There are many great descriptions of it on this forum.It is complex and very difficult to achieve, hence the need to fake it being important.

Good luck

[bigybiz]

Roiste, Sandi2, TimR - thanks for your comments, ideas, etc. I feel 90% detached. Primarily because we hardly talk etc. We interact about the kids, the house, I ask a little about her day and the excitement she has about her new/dream job (starting in a couple of weeks).

The bad behavior on both sides is down to almost nothing. There is no tension. She says she is moving out in June.

She is totally detached from the kids and I. The "issue" for me is she does the bare minimum in the house and with the kids. Her online friends and career ambitions are the only thing that is important. The kid see it too.

She is slacking off on her role in the house - says she will do something and won't etc. So I end up having to do it - i.e. registering the kids for lessons, etc. Some of it I do a little "tough love", I do the laundry - then dump it on her bed for her to sort and fold. I'm doing far more around the house than I used to - thx GAL.

She still participates in most of the family activities I plan i.e. dinners, movies, etc. We eat most meals together as a family.

Here is where the "Act As If" comes in to play. Should I act as if something good is going to happen between us?

We were planning to do a basement renovation - should I start it now? possibly get her involved i.e. picking tiles, fixtures, etc.

She is not doing some of the "chores" she said she would do and they have to get done. i.e. registering the kids for activities, etc. Instead of letting this be a tension - should I act like a loving caring H and say - Not to worry *name*, I know you are busy, I'll take care of it. Let's face the facts - I'm going to have to do it anyways.

I know asking and asking, setting deadlines is not going to get me anywhere. If I let the clock run out and the kids don't get into swimming or don't have friends over, etc - It's them that loose. Believe me the kids see what's going on.

Can I use Act As If - as a cover - for her detachment,neglect. Let's face it. If she was suffering from cancer or a brain tumor I would bend over backwards for her. If she is having a identity crisis, menopause, etc, etc. It's only a little bit different - right?

Let me know your thoughts and ideas.

[SH_]

Hi bigybiz,

I would say that the "Act as if" strategy is how you approach situations and conversations. If you act as if the best case scenario is going to happen, then even if it does not, you acted accordingly. I believe the thought is that if you go into any situation thinking the other person will act in the worse case scenario we often act that way leading to the self fulfilling prophecy so to speak.

The "issue" for me is she does the bare minimum in the house and with the kids.

For this when you speak to her, don't act as if she will do the bare minimum, speak to her as if you know she will do everything that you both agree too.
She may still only do the bare minimum, but it will not be because of how you approach the situation. And you may have some positive influence and she may do slightly more than the bare minimum, which in the end is a win.

Remember, Act as if the best will happen, but have no expectations and then you proceed forward and do what you know needs to be done. In your situation, you can do what you know is best for your kids, and when you are doing your best, acting as if she will also, but you have no expectations, then you will be a better father, man and person.

This is just my thoughts on the matter, and working on doing this as well. Practice, practice, practice and then you will just do it out of habit.

Good luck and remember to identify the wins in all that you do.

[bigybiz]

SadHub: Thanks for your input. I've been doing exactly what you propose. Acting as if she would do what she said she would do. I've not been making a scene, I've been trying to gently remind her.

I'm guessing she has chosen not to do what she said she would do and/or use this as a way of baiting and testing me.

That's why I was thinking - the don't worry "name" I got this might be an approach. I do fear that there could be a backfire. She could view this me pursuing her or trying to control her. But, I'm not sure how to change up what's going on. As Michele says change anything. Is this a way to go?

She obviously is not acting like a responsible adult. She only cares about herself and wants to act like a teenager who wants be rewards after doing what they were supposed to do.

[SH_]

bigybiz: My thoughts are have one conversation where you propose the plan for doing what is needed for the kids with the "act as if" approach. She either agrees or does not, but then you just move on and do what is needed for the kids. If she keeps her end of the agreement, then a win for everyone. If she does not, then you do what ever it would be that you would do if she was not there or if she disagreed when you had the conversation.

The challenge for guys like you and I, is that we expect a certain level of behavior from our wives, but in the stage we are in, we can no longer expect that. We have to stay focused on knowing that WAW/WW/MLC will do what they will do and it will not make sense to us.

Basically as I understand it, we need to proceed without any expectations, act as if they will do what is best, but detach and not let anything they say or do affect us in how we go about our business. All of this IMHO of course as I do understand your challenges as I cross a very similar bridge. We gotta stay focused on making ourselves feel good and confident in spite of anything they do, say or behave like.

You got this. Try what you believe is right (avoid going with just your feelings) and keep track of what works, and if it does not work stay out of the cheeseless tunnels.