WAW is angry and filing divorce

[SH_]

I am just trying to dump the noise out of my head right now.
Yesterday was a good day for me, and I thought I had control of myself for once since this all went down now about 2 months ago.

Yesterday I functioned well emotionally and physically and even felt that I could see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I felt confident and like I had a plan. It got a little tense when I got home as I found evidence that the WAW was seeking advice on how to get stuff she thinks she is entitled to, but that is another story for another time. WAW came home in a good mood and even sat down with me in a proactive and "human" manner to discuss some details of the D. Things were alright until she told me of her plan to have her brother and sister over to move things while I went to church on Sunday. I advised that this would not be acceptable, as I will be in our current place anytime she was moving stuff and had folks over to help. She replied, if you are not uncomfortable with that then that is fine. I got a little defensive and replied, that I won't be uncomfortable in my own home but it may be for her family based on things she has shared with them. She looked at me with a smirk and said, I don't even know how to respond to that, you being all tough and all. I just shook my head at the comment.

I have to just keep my mouth shut as she has a knack for getting me to say something that she can flip around on me every time.

She did it in the same conversation when she said we need to help our D17 get a car. I replied that I am looking into options as I know this is something that is needed. She rolled her eyes and said, oh, now you will swoop in like the hero and just get it for her. I replied, that I am not sure what that means, and she said, oh nothing, you can get her a car, because I won' be able to afford it.

Oh goodness, I start to think that this is how it has always been living with her. I start to think I can't wait for her to leave and have some peace. But I know better in my heart. I did not spend 19 years with a woman that made me feel as miserable as the last 2 months. It is amazing to me this stranger that has invaded my home and my life 2 months ago. She looks like my W, but behind those eyes and every bitter and angry comment there is what just feels to be pure spite and I don't want to say evil, but it is not the spirit of a wife and mother anymore.

It hurts to see that my D17 has accepted this better than I and is just ready to move on. She only wants to spend time with her sister and focus on her future. Even my D5 has acted out towards her mother and called her out for things over the past week.

It all seems surreal to me. This whole situation escalated so fast that I can't keep tabs on what even happened. There is no EA/PA. There was never an ILYBNILWY. No specific reason has ever been shared with me as to why this is all happening. But accusations fly about in most conversations when she gets angry at my disagreeing, and I have pieced together so many reasons that I feel guilt ridden as a man, husband and father. I don't even know what our MR history was as it has been so repainted with every accusation. I can't really even get a hold of a DB strategy, because I am ducking and dodging everything as the only conversations that we have are about the D. And those are a mess, because she just wants to rush through it get some stuff and money and go on with her fantasy.....

But alas, today has been a challenge after having it together yesterday, as the panic attacks have hit several times, the endless loops of discouraging thoughts keep playing out in my mind, and my body feels a numb and floating sensation, I am sure due to the chemical flooding the panic attacks are creating.

This has to be a bad dream and I just need to wake up.

I see my IC today, we'll see what he can do to help me get on even ground. I gotta balance this out in order to help my family. I feel that nothing I can do will ever bring the family back together and I don't know that I want to at this point as I feel battered and whipped without ever getting a chance. Boy have I let the family down.