The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

It's been quite some time since I have posted on here. It's the eve of an appointment that's going to change my life forever.

Looking back on the last 10 years of my life, and failed marriage, I've come to many realizations. For 10 years she was my everything - and my best friend. I realize that at times I wasn't the best husband and looking back I see what I could have changed. But also, looking back, I see that the blame truly doesn't lie with me. I never knew of my wife's history (childhood abuse - those who are familiar with my story know her past well) until after she mentioned divorce. To hold that in for 10 years and not tell me is beyond tragic.

I've come to the conclusion - due to her past and issues - that she wasn't cut out for married life and the trials and tests that go along with it. I just never knew of any of it until too late. I've also come to the realization that had I known back in the beginning I still would have married her. I also know that things would be much different now. That in itself taught me the valuable lesson - to always be upfront and never hide what might be self-thought as a skeleton...it wasn't her fault.

Recently, I was contacted by one of her inner circle down in Florida. This family friend of hers (who I will call H)is aware of our situation and I guess had had enough and wanted to tell me a few things. One of the biggest kicks in the gut was what she told me - that the only reason my son (and subsequently my daughter) was born was to keep from being deployed. As ya'll in the know are aware, my W's sister and I don't exactly see eye to eye. This family friend also told me of how from the beginning of our dating that she was in my W's ear against me (she was present during much of this). Some of the things the SIL said were horrible but untrue. Now, the SIL and my W are living it up - it almost seems as if they are trying to recapture their younger days or something equally as absurd. H told me that the first few years my W really did love me, but As time passed, her demons took hold. I know its a she said/she said kind of thing, but what I was told makes sense and rings true when thinking back.

I know there is no going back and repairing this marriage. I'm standing in front of the door marked 'single' and am too afraid to open it. I don't recognize my W any more. She is no longer the care-free, loving person that I knew and loved so much. Looking back, I see the evolution of her change over time but at the time I didn't recognize it. Oh well. A very painful lesson learned.

I'm at the point now where I can't stand the sight of her. Yet, at the same time, there is a part of me that still loves her. How silly is that? During our recent kid exchange, she wouldn't even look me in the eye. She is getting more than a little crazy concerning the kids and this upcoming battle will get hairy. Very hairy.

I've been in a hole for the past while. Each kick in the gut is getting harder to recover from. When I was able to bounce back to my feet quickly, I find myself struggling to get back to my knees. And the 'single' door is looming in front of me.

I've also come to the realization that I have hurt and pushed people away during all of this. I'm not proud of my actions and regret them. There are those on here that I turned away and if you read this, please know that I am truly sorry. I'm not making any excuses. I know I let things take control of me. I lost out on so many things during this god forsaken time I am in. I truly am sorry.

All I have now are my kids. I'm making/waiting on my W to tell them. I won't be part of destroying their happiness. Ugh. I hate my life now. I'm scared of what lies on the other side of that door. And I can't be a part time Dad who will only get to see my children as dictated by the courts.

She is going full throttle on divorce. There is evidence of either another OM, or the original is back in the picture. Oh well.

Maybe one day I'll find my feet again.