my wife is a waw! trying everything to save it!

[anime92]

Thank you sadhub. I see what you mean, fear creates the darkness. Funny thing is I am fully prepared for a drastic change. If she gave me the choice I would move with her to switzerland! Where I don't know anyone, the language, or anything else. But I am learning french and would love to move there. I do fear that she is letting some immaturity affect her thought process on everything.
Tomorrow I'm going to a movie premier with a friend so that will get me out of the house for a bit. I also have a train session at the gym tomorrow after work. Doing everything I can to stay busy.

[anime92]

So I get home today from work. She is sleeping as usual at this time due to her schedule. I sit down and turn on the TV and start to watch an Anime. She comes out from the bedroom, tells me she just had a nightmare where her twin sister was shooting her repeatedly and her grand parents showed up to take them to dinner and her sister said she's not coming. This was all taking place in our apartment. Her grandparents and sister leave, and then I show up and I tell her it's going to be ok and she shows me the wounds but I am there for her and I take care of her.

I gave her a hug and held her close after she told me this. I felt she needed comfort badly, we talked and hugged for a few minutes. I asked her if she was still tired, she said yes of course. She stumbled slightly so I whisked her up and carried her back to bed. I asked if she wanted me to stay with her and she said yes. So I laid in bed spooning her for about 10-20 mins not really sure I didn't time it. And then she said she was going to be ok. I took that as ok please leave now so I went back out into the living room.

This dream though... I know I shouldn't read into things much, but dreams have significant meanings and I get the feeling that she sees me as comfort in this dream.

Any other thoughts?

[ItHurts]

Hi there...just some advice for you from a guy who was with my WAW much, much longer than you when she left...18 years.

My WAW actually told me last year (yes, she still initiates sporadic contact with me, usually when life events happen to me) that she dreams of me a lot. She said we don't speak to each other in her dreams but that I am always there in the background smiling at her. She also said she falls down in her dreams and someone picks her up from behind. She said she never gets a look at who it was behind her but she somehow knows it's me.

However don't read into the dream...she's setting you up to be her emotional support even though she still wants to leave you. She can't have only the parts of you she wants because you are a package deal...all of you or none of you.
Focus on yourself as hard as that may seem. Trust me, I was where you are two years ago. It does get better, just like people told me it would when it was all new to me and seemed improbable.
I guess my best advice from my experience is to let HER being up staying together or not...you mustn't try to "save" anything right now except yourself. Once you do that, your WAW won't control your heart anymore...and you will feel that liberating power eventually and you will see yourself as a man only a very foolish woman would leave.
Trust me...if there's one thing I learned, the WAW is never gone for long LOL. She'll contact you somehow, find some reason, any reason, once you initiate no contact (once you are at a point to physically be able to do that.) I'm two years on now and initiated contact with my WAW maybe twice...she's contacted me, however, no less than 15 times. So use that as motivation to better yourself and regain power. I can't tell you how satisfying it is to know I don't care if I don't talk to WAW for 6 months... because anything short of her wanting to talk about reconciling is of no interest to me. It's empowering to lose that "need" for WAW and it helps you immensely in leading a healthy life emotionally. At least this is my experience. Feel free to read my posts from two years ago when my bomb was dropped. It seems like a lifetime ago now and time goes by fast. I remember the darkness and desperation I felt. The intense heartache...and now I look back at that time in the same way one would when reflecting on a past bad illness or something... that you're sure glad you don't feel like that anymore.
So keep your chin up friend, everything will be alright for you just like it is for me. You'll still miss WAW and maybe even still want WAW...I still want mine...I just realized over time that I don't "need" her and that right there is what focusing on yourself now will lead to.
All the best to you!

[roist]

Don't over analyse the dream or even her seeking comfort after it. It could be a good sign or just a rise in the roller coaster. It should nit be your focus. Mark it down as a positive sign and move on

Are you GAL? Are you out of the appart more? Are you busy when home?

[anime92]

Yes I am GAL, I am trying to be out of the apt when she is there. And I am going to be doing a lot of drawing at home now since I am going for a tattoo apprenticeship

[anime92]

Thank you ItHurts for your story. I appreciate your insight. I had a feeling this is a tricky sitch as I don't want to just be an emotional resource, I want to be 100% there.

Question though.

I feel that this dream shows that there is still a level of trust in me from her perspective. What do you all think? (I know digging in deeper)

I am going to use all my emotions right now and chennel them into artwork.

[ItHurts]

Yes of course she trusts you... I know my WAW trusts me. However when you choose to walk out on me...you likewise are also choosing to find someone else to trust to that degree. That's how I look at it. I'm not going to be my WAW's emotional support whole she dates and presumably sleeps with other men. It's all or nothing. It seems many WAWs try to keep their exes in the picture as a safety net...well don't settle for that. She obviously sees you as a solid person to trust and lean on...as does my WAW based on my WAW's dreams...however it's all or nothing. You have to worry about you right now...not what your WAW's dream means...let her figure that out on her own...it's her issue, not yours my friend.

[anime92]

My point in bringing up the trust is that has been the focal point as to why she has decided to walk away, at least that's what she has said made her make said decision.

Yes I know,Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared

I still see this event as a positive step towards rebuildin trust or something of that nature

[ItHurts]

Well maybe someone else can offer better advice but your last sentence there tells me your mind is still in a place where you are trying to "save" things with WAW. What you need to be doing is focusing on yourself and detaching. It's hard as hell, I know, but that seems to me to be the only way to hope for R. Live YOUR life, do things for YOU, believe me...that's what your WAW is doing...worrying about herself. The point is, the more you do for yourself, the better person you become. That is ultimately your best way to get WAW back...or not. Mine never came back and that shouldn't be your primary motive for self improvement, that you do for YOU! Of WAW comes back as a result of that then that's an added bonus... but that should not be the only goal.
I've said before that DBing may not save your marriage... but it most definitely does save YOU! That's all that matters...the rest you have no control over.

[anime92]

I am focused on myself, trying to explore new hobbys, getting back into art, socializing ect. Trying to find myself in all this mess.

At the end of the day though my preferred outcome is to not lose her regardless of what I am doing. I am not trying to do something specifically to save the marriage right now, unless getting myself together is doing something to save my marriage.

Do I want to save my marriage? yes! Will I survive if we split? Yes!

To quote another user

Part of me, a growing part, thinks I should just give up. Send him a text telling him to file and that my lawyer will be in touch.

I am right there with you in that feeling. We want the pain to stop and see that as a way to make it. It probably won't. I like to look at it this way.

Option 1) I say I want D, and we move towards it. What happens? I detach, GAL, 180's, make myself a better person for me and any future R and build a life for myself and kids.

Option 2) I don't say I want a D, continue to DB and fight the good fight. What happens? I detach, GAL, 180's, make myself a better person for me and any future R and build a life for myself and kids.

Ultimately, I see my actions as the same regardless. However; option 2 leaves the door open for someone whom I know I do love (despite the way I feel today and this crazy roller coaster we are on) Maybe one day my WW will be willing to do the work to rebuild our M. Either way I need to rebuild myself.

I'm no Vet, just how I feel...most of the time, lol.