This evening has not been a good evening. You could cut the tension with a knife around here. H wants out so bad that you can feel it heavy in the air. I had to go into my room and shut the door just to get a break from it for a while.
I believe that MLC must play some roll in this crazy moody roller coaster he has been on for months. Its like an alien has taken over his body.
Today has not been a positive day for our R. MOre like "the end is near" day from hell.
Have you other threads here. This one starts in 2013 and then after a long gap restarts last week.I'd like to read the whole saga and see if I have any words of wisdom.
In the meantime I offer you my support.Best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roiste, thanks for your thoughtful words. The support on this site is wonderful.
I first posted in November 2014 (First BD was July 2014). I stopped posting (although continued DBing) because at the time I didn't really understand how to utilize this site for the great support that is offered. This time around (second BD last week) I finally realize how the wonderful people on this site stick together and offer great support.
Basically, from July 2014 to March 2016 I employed all the DBing techniques. My H, without actually saying the words, honestly led me to believe we were in piecing. He seemed genuinely happy again, planning trips and future projects with me. Although not perfect, things seemed to be on a good path.
The last month or so he started acting really depressed and grumpy. And finally last week I got the second BD.
He says nothing actually got better in the last year and a half, that it was all an act on his part to make me happy, and he just can't do it anymore.
Right now I feel like all he is thinking about is that he feels trapped, because financially we cannot currently afford two households and to get to that point is going to take some serious work and re-arranging. And up to now (one of my complaints about our marriage) he has always left all bill paying and finances up to me and would never get involved even when I asked (I am not great with money). So he does not even have the tools available to him to get a start on it...and I have not offered (in the spirit of not helping with him leaving).
I know we have past unresolved issues from my A,which he holds onto, but he said himself that a few years back he actually got past it and it only occasionally even popped into his mind. I feel that maybe the onset of MLC has triggered those emotions again (so double whammy of A and MLC).
Tortured looking is how I would describe H at the moment. I feel genuinely sorry for him. When I don't want to strangle him for his behavior I want to put my arms around him and comfort him in his misery. It is amazing how we run the gamut of every possible emotion from love to hate and everything inbetween!
I just discovered that the one friend out of all H's friends that he has chosen to hang out with lately is the younger single one who likes to go out clubbing and drinking and throws parties on a regular basis. Great! The one friend he has who is not married and will probably happily feed into the MLC head space. Sigh. So, any advice he will be getting will not be from any of our stable, married couple friends but from the guy leading a great life being single and having fun with women and alcohol.
Not too bad an evening with H. He is still keeping to himself but when we do interact he is a little more upbeat than he has been. It has been a slightly less tension filled evening than normal.
How was his affection and intimacy with you during his false piecing period?
OK I have not fully formulated my thoughts. Maybe i don't have any great insight. But here are some initial thoughts.
You have just been bombed. Regardless of where you were at or where you thought you were at, now you are at ground zero. You are back at the starting blocks.
You need to review the situation with baby eyes, I.e. no assumptions or beliefs. Then you need to put together your action plan. Did you put in place 180s or changes after the initial bomb? Are they still in place or do d they slip?
What helped you during the tough times in 2014? Can you start doing that again?
Your recent posts are mostly about H, which is probably normal.But this focus is preventing you from detaching and moving forward. It us obvious from how you write that for the moment you are too focused on H and everything he does/doesn't do is magnified in significance for you. I am not belittlingwhat you are going through.
It is what you DO that will make the difference in firstly how you feel and secondly how H sees you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roiste, thank you for your honest comments. I take everything I read on here in the spirit in which it is intended, which is to help.
Yes, you are right, I am focusing too much on H. I think I am still shell shocked and can't quite wrap my head around his claims. I almost feel a bit betrayed by him now, which is a switch of feeling for me, as I still hold a lot of guilt for my A. I must work harder on detachment. I must work harder on detachment. I must work harder on detachment.
Affection and intimacy was an issue during the false piecing period, but I just thought it was something we were working on as it was an issue we have had in the past. He never has been an openly affectionate person to start with (which was part of my issue pre A). During this false piecing there was no hand holding, hugging, or kissing, but he wasn't unfriendly towards me and would stand close or brush my hands etc when we were close together. We were intimate most of that time, no kissing involved ever, but he wasn't cold about it either. I felt there was some feeling involved. (He told me last week that he felt guilt every time we were intimate, as he really was not into it). That probably should have been more of a red flag to me, but as I said, part of what led to my A was his total lack of affection and interest in me pre A, so it was not out of the norm for him to act like that.
The 180s I put in place in 2014, I feel I have kept up with them fairly well. One thing H did say to me last week is that he had definitely noticed the positive changes I have made in myself in the last year and a half. Since I thought we were in piecing the detachment side of things did drop somewhat though. I did not think it was necessary to detach all of the time while I thought we were trying to reconnect.
Right now I am trying to stay positive as much as possible and to not focus on what I cannot change. I have made plans to get out of town for a couple days this next weekend. A break from the tension will do us both a lot of good I think.
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I appreciate everything you said and that you took the time to respond to me.
So, the thought never crossed my mind up until this week that H might be involved in an EA or PA. Up until this week I honestly felt there were no signs of it. My gut instinct told me he was not. Now , after talking to the DB coach who has asked me several times if I thought he was involved with someone, and reading people's posts on this site telling other people they are missing the clues....I am starting to second guess myself like crazy.
The only thing I have noticed is that he seems to be texting on his cellphone constantly, but he does not appear to be concealing that fact from me. Other than that, most of his time and money can be accounted for.
So, am I just letting other people's opinions get to me and I should stick with my first gut instinct? Or do I need to get a clue and open my eyes and realize there may be more going on than I know?
I cannot even guess whether your H is in an A or not. I can tell you from my own experience WW was constantly texting and not hiding it from me either. In fact she took a self with S13 right in front of me and text it to OM (I thought it was to a friend). She even told me who she was texting when I look back on it but said it was her yelling at them for not getting MIL's roof completed.
Questions:
Is this constant texting new? Are there other changes in his personality? You said most of his time is accounted for, what times are not?
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
