I am content, that is a blessing.......

[CaliGuy]

Hey M

Well .... what to say what to say to whom I consider my MLC-sis.

Ok I totally get you are at your wits end, I think if someone who is dealing with a true MLCr never gets to a point of at the least contemplating tossing in the towel there is a part of me that questions that person on various levels. I know for me there was that saying, I may give up but not today that I chanted in my head during the darker times.

I find myself currently ... well .. as you know .. pretty much done and let me tell you, its not any less painful, there is no great release and a "Glad I did that" euphoric feeling. For me after the hurt/anger/betrayal lightened up to where I could see a different color than red it set in that she is still in the tunnel, not baked, still depressed and I had to save myself or she was going to ruin not just her life ... but mine too. Does that mean I don't want R, or my M .... no .. I still want those things but the realization that it may never happen has exceeded my hope of outlasting this. Even IF she came to me in say 3 months with a change of heart .... the things she would have to do in my mind are so unfair I have to admit I bulldozed that paved road home and she would have to pave it herself and convince me its real.

In your sitch ... I have no doubt your H is still processing, but I also think he is a low energy type and has not really been forced to do the work just yet. I do not know what makes them do this ... not sure anyone knows really, maybe its a soda blowing up in their face, maybe its a gradual waking up ... who the heck knows as it seems to be different for everyone. My long winded point to you is .... sure you could cash it all in, I was there but the question I had to answer that made it clear was "What will change?" For me ... nothing .. not like I was going to go out and find a replacement .. I still wanted W and that dream of the M and family ... so I stood. so you must answer that ... What will change for you? The pain and limbo simply do not stop, you always have an eye on them, I still do even though I have accepted my M will most likely end this year sometime.

You have done this walk so well ... better than most... this MLC thing takes a ton of time and a good deal of the movement and signs we so badly want to see, we just don't but thats not to say its not happening.

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, I identify with where you're at and you've had some good advice already. For me in a way it has been a blessing that H filed and has been keen to progress with the D. Although I didn't want a D, the decision was taken from me and I feel at peace with that aspect. Had H not filed, I would have needed to take some steps to stabilise finances etc.

I think Cali's point - what will change for me? - is a good one. For me, I decided not to consider dating until at least a year after D anyway so I guess the door remains open a tiny crack until then. Like you, I can not imagine being in love with H again. But I also try and take on board the whole MLC picture and appreciate that he isn't himself just now.

I can imagine feeling different if he approached me and seemed to have progressed in some way, but that hasn't happened thus far and may or may not happen at some point in the future and I just tell myself I'll cross that bridge if that ever happened.

Can I ask - is there an option for you to consider a more long term but lesser step than D? Perhaps formalising separation arrangements? Of course you'll decide whatever is the right path for you and I'm just throwing that into the mix really.

The straws thing is funny. Whilst he is where he's at, he clearly wants to maintain a link with you.

Take care xx

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone, thank you for understanding my struggle. No one, outside of this forum, does. It's a very lonely place to be, I am so thankful to have you guys in my world.

So, the question, what will change? You had encouraged me to think about that, last year, when I was in this same place. I took my time to think about it, and I do agree with you all, not much would change other than a piece of paper. I do understand, H and I are basically divorced, just not legally. We live our lives as if divorced.

Knowing that, unfortunately, is not calming me. I still feel I need something more to keep me going....

My take is this. I am processing, just like H. I am learning about myself, learning who I am, figuring out what I want, what makes me happy, what I want in my life. It's almost as if H and I are going through the same motions, just in different worlds, with a brief connection here and there.

What I know:

I love my husband and us as a family
I believe he loves me
I believe we each need our space right now
I believe it's beneficial we live apart
I believe his issues come from his childhood
I believe my close R with my son angers/hurts him
I believe he is working through some issues
I know I don't want to push him or disrupt his process
I know I don't want him to come back too soon, if he does
I know we are going through this for a reason
I know this experience has forever changed me
I know H and S need each other and family time is important
I know H and I will always be friends, no matter what
I don't want to be divorced
That I made a lot of mistakes
That I can stand longer, question is, do I want to?


What I don't know:

If H and I will get through this still married
If H will ever truly work through his issues
If I could ever fall in love with him
If I could trust him
If I could feel safe with him
If I could believe anything he says
If I will want him back home
If we could ever repair all the damage done, that goes both ways

I also know I would not make any serious choice or decision without talking with H. This is what continues to leave a big hole in me. We talk about nothing. Our lack of communication is a huge reason we grew apart. And here we are, continuing to keep each other in the dark. I think H thinks I am happier without him, he has already said that. I think we both make many assumptions about what the other thinks and feels....

I plan on opening up that line of communication. I don't think H is capable of doing that, he never has been and it's hard for me as well. I think it's time, Heck, what do I have to lose? I am much more educated in what I am dealing with, so I am fully aware I may hear a bunch of gibberish, but it continues to feel wrong, that we don't talk about anything.

If he doesn't want to, I won't push, but if anything, I can get some of my own thoughts and feelings across. It's worth a try, something different. There is nothing I want to rush, I am no way ready for any big change or decision, I am all about moving slow. THAT is probably the biggest 180 for me! Lol. In the meantime, I know I have it in me to keep chugging along, it's just wondering how much longer I want to.

H came over to pick up S yesterday. He looked so tired, skin ashy looking and lines under his eyes. He was drinking coffee, made by some coffee press gadget he says I must get. He told me to try it, so I did, but I screwed off the cap instead of drinking out of the mouth piece he uses. I felt a little bad after, but just did it without thinking, like I would do with any friends drink...

He opened his present, excited to try it out with S. He gave me the last minute invite, to join him, S and his dad for lunch. He said I am welcome, he just figured I wouldn't want to go. I thanked him, said I don't want to interrupt their boy time. But he was right, I don't want to be around his dad, awkward!

He reminded me twice yesterday, that he will not be here for his birthday. I thought of you Job, he wants me to do something special for him, no? I considered baking up some ribs for him today, brownies for dessert....it would be a really nice gesture....just not sure.

Planning on walking and lunch with friend today. I feel I have gotten a lot off my chest here, thank you again, it really helps.

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, a lot of what you said resonates with me.

Hi everyone, thank you for understanding my struggle. No one, outside of this forum, does. It's a very lonely place to be, I am so thankful to have you guys in my world.

Same here. It is interesting, because even I talk to people who went through D, but in a different way (didn’t stand for their M), then don’t understand why I’m still doing what I’m doing.

There is nothing I want to rush, I am no way ready for any big change or decision, I am all about moving slow. THAT is probably the biggest 180 for me! Lol.

This is the biggest 180 for me too. I’ve learnt a lot of patience (thanks to generous exchange of patience shovels here), I’m no longer reacting, judging, getting upset when things don’t go my way. I’ve also learnt a lot compassion. No… I take it back… I did have compassion, just didn’t know how and when to use it, if it makes sense.

Our lack of communication is a huge reason we grew apart. And here we are, continuing to keep each other in the dark. I think H thinks I am happier without him, he has already said that. I think we both make many assumptions about what the other thinks and feels....

I don’t have the same kind of communication with my H, but is pretty much the same in terms of assumptions. I believe my H thinks that I’m doing just great without him.

And I ask myself pretty much the same questions, if H will wakes up before this M is over, or if he ever wakes up at all, and if he does, will it be possible to repair what was broken.

My take is this. I am processing, just like H. I am learning about myself, learning who I am, figuring out what I want, what makes me happy, what I want in my life. It's almost as if H and I are going through the same motions, just in different worlds, with a brief connection here and there.

This reminded me of some Heart Blessing’s posting about the stages of MLC, where she talked about how MLCer and LBS go through similar process and if nothing happens, they should eventually reach the same destination.
 

In this process, THESE LAST THREE STAGES(Depression, Withdrawal and Acceptance) is where the MLC'er learns the SAME lessons the LBS learns, and the MLC'er learns these lessons THROUGH the LBS actions TOWARD the MLC'er....as the LBS is the staunchion, or the pillar of strength..the "lighthouse" if you will...they are the source of strength that "draws" the MLC'er back.
…
In the first half, they are trying to find themselves, and we must give them this space..in the latter half, the connection is attempting to rebuild itself between the husband and wife,(if they make it that far, it should mean, if nothing happens, that they can and should finish together) and it is then the bad habits of a lifetime are broken, and balance restored...they are strong enough in that last half to see the damage they've done, face their issues, and LEARN(I did say, learn) to respect the one who has been there for and with them throughout this crisis.

I’m thinking about this very often. Mleigh, like you, I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m just doing my best to have one step at a time.

I hope you enjoy your walk and lunch. Oh… and I want to be on a spring break too and 9 days of sleeping LOL. Enjoy!

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. Thank you for sharing that post from HB. I get what she says, in a way. It's hard to explain, but it's like H and I are in similar places in that we are both confused, unsure, cautious and standoffish, yet friendly and kind. Of course, I say this based on how he explained his feelings when he moved out. Not sure what is going on in his noggin, he stays quiet about his feelings, but going off his actions. I get the feeling we both are working on our own issues and fully aware we are not in a place to be together, yet, can't fully let go either. It's like a mutual acceptance of sorts. Or....maybe it's just me fully accepting this, where he has been all along.....

So yesterday, I had the bright idea to do something special for H bday, but then, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was feeling a little forced, so I kept my plans of a gorgeous walk and yummy lunch with friend.

I let H know he was welcome to keep S later than normal since he was going away and would miss his days. He appreciated that and brought S home about 6. He brought his coffee gadget and made us some coffee. He just insists I get one! Lol. He went to put his cup in the dishwasher and the door fell open. He asked, didn't this have a spring in it? I said yes, it broke a while ago, some things in the house are falling apart (with a sad face) He asked, like what? I mentioned a few and off he went. He unplugged my bathroom sink, said to grab a ladder to fix a light....after, he said he had to go to do laundry and pack. We gave him hugs, yes, me too, and wished him a good flight. I felt a little bad for not having his meal after all....but....just didn't feel right to me.

S and I slept in and enjoyed a lazy day today! He even passed on hanging out with a buddy to hang with his old mom! I cherish these days. I had a guy come out and trim some overgrown trees in the back. In fact, I got through half of my "to do" list AND squeezed in a short nap!

H let us know when he made it safe to Milwaukee, sent a pic of his view from his room, a parking lot. I thanked him for letting us know he arrived safe and sound. He messaged again later to say good night and let S know he had a busy day tomorrow but he would do his best to do some face time with him.

We will be sending H a Happy Birthday message in the morning.

[mleigh4]

Coming to the end of spring break. I have to say, I actually enjoyed this staycation that S insisted on! I got a ton of things done along with having a really nice week.

Had a guy trim trees in the back, long overdue, but expensive!

Finished taxes. Getting refund from Fed, but have to pay to state. The refund covers what is due to state, with a few hundred left over. I suggested to H to have that go towards tree trimming costs, he said yes, of course. The taxes being done, and working out ok, is a HUGE relief to me.

Found and booked our beach house for our July vacation. I actually found a place on the coast, 40 minutes from us! It's a cottage, on a bluff, overlooking a state beach, with a path down to the beach right outside the door, and a gated yard for dog. Perfect! I was looking at condos in Malibu, and thinking, where does dog go potty?? Not to mention that would include a 5 hour trip. This works out perfect, it's reasonably priced, the reviews are outstanding, close to home, and S actually seems a little excited about all of that!

S and I took cat to the vet yesterday for her vaccines. S was so concerned for her, it is really sweet to see him comfort his animals when they are upset.

S and I have been enjoying each other so much this week. Talking, playing and just hanging out. He even asked me to marry him the other night. Lol, How sweet is that? He is just showing me how much he loves me, but how great is it that he associates marriage with love? Even after all that his mom and dad are going through?

We wished H a Happy birthday Tuesday morning. He replied that evening, pointing out a different thank you to each of us. He also face timed with S and showed us more terrible views out his window. He told us the plan for all the guys to go see a band that night, but back early for a 6 am meeting.

Yesterday H sent some pics of the Harley Davidson museum he was visiting. He comes home tonight, said he was looking forward to that, and was going to see if he could get Friday off since we are off.

Definitely more contact from him while away than expected.

Have a few more things planned the next few days, but otherwise, lots of down time. I am surprised I am not bored yet! I guess I really needed this.

[Irish M]

Hi mleigh

Good news on the taxes. Always nice to get a little something back. I really like hearing about how you connect with your son. So important to love him and show him you are there. You both seem in a good place.

enjoy the rest of the time off.. recharge those batteries :-)

take care :-)

[mleigh4]

Hi Irish, thank you for stopping by. As hard as this experience is for our kids, I love to see when we reconnect with our kids, see what is truly important, as you have done as well. It's the rainbow after the tornado blows through!

Thursday, S and I took dog to a nearby park to play fetch. We also tried our first geocaching search! Unfortunately, we, along with others before us, could not find it. I want to try a different search again soon though!

Thursday night, about 9:30, H TM that he is home, with big exclamation points. He let me know he was able to get the next day off and was hoping to see S or have him for the night. I told him welcome home, that S had a friend coming over in the morning, but otherwise open.

Friday, H TM that he slept in and was unpacking and straightening up the house....I decided to reach out. I told him I was baking ribs, that he was welcome to join us. He said definitely, he would be over later. I made brownies for him too. Basically, I made his Bday dinner I had been thinking of doing before he left, it was eating at me...

He came and hung out for several hours. We stuffed ourselves, chatted and played. This visit seemed to be mostly H, not the distracted and exhausted H. It got to be late. H said he had no food in his house, that he needed to go shopping but didn't want to drag S out, so he decided to not take S home with him. As you know S and I well, that was no problem with us

It sounds like H wants to join S and I on our July vacation, but we will see, it's a few months away.

It's raining, so that means movie day! I am sad to see our vacation coming to an end. S and I are closer than ever. It's going to be a shock going back into the work and school routine! We definitely got much needed down time.

[mleigh4]

I just wanted to add, this is the first time I have had so much time on my hands, and did not find myself dwelling on my sitch or what to do! It's been wonderful, my mind is not even going there. Definite progress, yay for me!

[BrightFuture]

Hey, mleigh, maybe your H met with mine this week… Funny, looks like my H was at the same place a couple of days ago, according to business credit card charges. Maybe they compared their MLC scripts to see if they are on the “right” truck in the tunnel, LOL.

I’m glad you were able to make that b-day dinner. I’m sure you feel better about it now. It is interesting how these things come up for us. I have similar feelings, like I want to do something nice for H, then I think that he made his choices and has a separate life now, and there are consequences… But… I do feel some compassion once is a while, and especially when things don’t go well for him.

I also catch myself on the thoughts that I don’t even think that much about H anymore, and I certainly don’t expect his texts. It feels liberating. Mleigh, there is no doubt you’ve made a lot of progress.

It is great that you enjoyed your "staycation" and were able to bond with your son even more. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!