Baby steps

[Zues126]

Hi painter,

I don't know if the similarities in our situations are due to the universal male/female struggle regarding communication or if our husbands are just made from the same mold..

My husband also said to me that he needed the separation to see if he missed me and son and if he could handle it? (As if it's all about them and no one else friggen matters in their universe)

Same anger involved with the whole legal system.

When you described how he does what is best for him without an ounce of self doubt I felt like you put into words a very accurate description of my husband as well. Truly uncanny. (I believe they are both engineers and only children. I wonder if there is something that contributes to that mind set) I actually copied what you wrote in your 3/31 post and put it in a book I use for notes with my coach! I do not have any background in psychology (except for some introductory classes ) and struggle to understand it.

my husband also does not talk about feelings. Funny that your husband was hyper sensitive to you criticizing him for affair. My husband hypersensitive when I criticized him for waking up consistently at 2 pm instead of helping with family. My husband makes it out like I am verbally abusive for this. I felt frusturated at his inability to compromise and validate and actually listen.

My husband also spewed and became very angry when I brought up reconciliation. I now stopped. If they want it they will let us know. And they have to be so upset that they are really willing to do anything or it simply won't ever work. Really we just have to accept what their actions are saying as much as we don't want to believe it or accept it.

Painter, I have been asking myself this a lot lately... Are they really worth it? Did living with him provide you with such a loving, peaceful existence? or were you often left feeling completely frusturated and invalidated by their inability to abide by rational emotional thought and consideration? i think some people are just not capable of it. In my case, sometimes I wonder if I am hanging on because it's a power struggle. Someone in my divorce care group (just joined) said that God does not want people to be so unhappy and that when spouse is cheating and leaves the marriage we should recognize it as a gift from God to get us out of that relationship.

When I read your situation I get mad at how husband vilifies you and plays victim. I realize my husband does the same. Sometimes I believe him.

Hey Ju and Paint,

No doubt WAS's act poorly. One thing I've wondered about lately is why. Is it that they are immature and horrible people, and that is why they leave? Or is it because they are leaving that hey are immature and horrible people?

We on the DB forums are trying everything we can to become better people. Motivated to avoid the loss of our M, and to try to avoid going through this type of pain ever again. But really, that is motivated by our loss. Before our loss we weren't doing all of this. So are we so awesome for doing this, or is this just a reaction to the loss?

Likewise the WAS doesn't care. They are checked out. They have no motivation for personal growth. Of course they aren't meeting our efforts on personal growth or maturity. That's because they don't care as much as we do.

Does that make them bad people? Is this our chance to judge them as levels below our own evolution?

Then again, they walked. Period. I never would have. Period. So in that one single measure, I do say that they have acted on emotions I wouldn't have. I also separate myself from those that didn't DB and instead had rebound relationships, reacted emotionally, etc. So I have a few things to be proud of. And I personally DO believe that people that walk don't have the same code that I have.

But at the end of the day I think a lot of it is situational too. I think a lot of the things your men are doing are things I probably did pre-BD in one way shape or form. You're just seeing a Zues that is motivated in a different way than I was before, and you're looking at WAS's that might prefer you to lose interest in them versus clinging emotionally.

Not sure I have any conclusions here other than to be careful about making conclusions. Are they bad men? Probably not...other than the one part about leaving in which case, yeah, open season