I Used to Like Rollercoasters

[Zues126]

Thank you for posting ciluzen and Zeus.

Hope, you are quite welcome. You are a very supportive person and I'm glad to see you posting on other's threads, as well as reaching out for your own support.

The thing is that Im trying to get on my own two feet but Im in a very very tough position right now. Ive expressed to him that I can handle things and he says ok...but to be honest I do need his help and while I dont ask, when he gives it I simply say thank you.

I'm good with most of this. It's fine to accept help you need graciously, and I'd even go so far as to say it's ok to let him feel good about it if it comes off GENUINELY. Look, guys like to feel appreciated, helpful, admired. If you make a comment like "thank you H, you are way better at that than I am, that would've taken me hours!" and can say it in a breezy way, go right ahead!

Just don't do it as part of a 'strategy' to show him that you can be appreciative or anything. If he feels it is you trying to control him it will be destructive. But if you sincerely feel moments of gratitude, go ahead and express them.

That said, I would recommend you become self sufficient. What would you do if he had died in a car crash? At some point you'd have to pick up the pieces. You've expressed not wanting to appear fully capable as that 'lets him off the hook' and he won't feel as bad about leaving you if you seem to be doing fine, but hon, as I said, guilt and shame just comes across as controlling anyway. You're better off letting him off the hook than appearing to be vengeful and controlling.

So take the help he offers graciously, express your gratitude light and breezy, and pick up the pieces of your life so you can let him off the hook to walk his own road.

I was told if the topic of D comes up to be honest that it's not what I want but to validate his thoughts/feelings on the subject - which is what I continue to do.

I believe this is correct for the FIRST time that D comes up. Beyond that I think it is too much.

There are only two reasons to state that you'd prefer to be married. 1) to try to control him to do what you want regardless of how he feels, and 2) to make sure he knows you'd be open for R if he was.

Problem with 1 is that controlling behavior and dismissing his autonomy and feelings is what got you here, so it's unlikely that implying that you want him to do what you want him to do regardless of how it feels will inspire him to want to reconnect with you. As for 2, he knows very well how you feel, and in fact the knowledge that you are a plan B for him is only enabling his indecision. People excuse this by saying "I don't want him to think that the road home isn't paved or to think I wouldn't take him back". Trust us on this, if he wants R with you he will bring it up in some way, shape or form. And if he does your best bet of not killing that twinge of interest would be not coming on too strong or jumping right back into bed with him anyway.

So no more "I know this is what you want BUT..." talk. Just validate and bite your tongue, then continue to move forward with your life and strive to create a situation in which WAH might actually wonder how you feel.

Everyone tells me I need to be angrier, and I'm too nice. Am i being too nice by validating and not arguing and defending?! I pull back and then its wrong, then I listen to him and validate and thats not great either. So what do I do? I'm working on letting go, I really am.

I've never told you to be angrier

Look, we don't want you to be a doormat. We want to make sure you aren't allowing yourself to be mistreated emotionally, financially, spiritually. We want you to have the strength to pick up the pieces of your life. We don't want you to lie in bed depressed every day. There are things about this that trigger a lot of anger, and it's good to acknowledge your anger, and to use it to empower yourself to not allow these things to happen.

But I don't know who would tell you to be angry with HIM. To me I see nothing good that can come of that. At best it is a cheap attempt to fake detachment or disinterest in an attempt to make him fear losing you, but I don't think that works. It would just show you have a lot of emotions vested in what he does and make you less pleasant to be around.

I think listening and validating is EXACTLY what you should be doing. Why do you feel that isn't great?

If you can listen, validate, and then not reply with your own opinions/thoughts/feelings/desires/wants/needs/interpretations, you will be doing great. Just acknowledging him, what he's telling you, and let him go. If he expresses regret about the D, it's appropriate to share that you regret the D as well, as long as it's done in a MIRRORING tone like "too bad this is what we needed to do" rather than "too bad you did this to us". And if he expresses hurts you caused, it's ok to share that you regret causing those hurts as long as it's "I have had a chance to see how deeply I wounded you and I truly regret that H, there are a lot of things I would have liked to do differently", and not "I can change and we can make this work".

Make sense? Just validate, mirror, and STFU.

My DB coach told me once "If you go on to R there will be a time and place for you to express your own feelings and needs, so biting your tongue isn't the model for what a future M might look like. But that can't happen unless WAS decides they are willing to recommit to the M. Until that day comes STFU and validate".

But I don't know how letting go exists while being hopeful and having faith that we can rebuild and begin a new M with each other.

My biggest breakthrough came when I let go of hope.

Hope didn't do anything for me. Hope equated to attachment. Hope equated to not taking the steps needed to take care of myself because maybe I wouldn't have to. Hope equated to prolonging my pain because I clung to the notion that maybe I don't have to grieve the loss of my M.

When I let go of hope I hurt less, I became open to the joy of my daily life around me with my children, work, and hobbies. I was able to be more detached. Because I hurt less I had an easier time being my normal self around WAW. I dropped the rope and allowed her to have her own journey. And, lo and behold, since she never looked back my giving up hope gained me a lot. I saved a ton of pain, had the strength to be there for my kids, win 50% custody, and do well enough at work that I can provide for them.

There is nothing bad that comes from giving up hope and accepting the loss of your M.

The only way this could be a negative is if you stopped DBing, or burnt bridges. If you said to yourself "Well, I was going to try to do some personal growth and make myself a better more understanding compassionate mature person, but if I can't have WAH back what's the point, furthermore these mixed emotions aren't fun to deal with so I'll be so rotten to him that I know he'd never forgive me and the bridge is burnt, I think I'll sleep with his best friend and take him to court for every penny while trying to control him through the kids, that way I know the M is dead and I don't have to wonder anymore"...

Sure, if that was your alternative to hope then I'd say stay hopeful. But really, there is NO REASON you can't let go of hope, learn to accept the loss of your M little by little, and continue to rebuild your life despite the ambiguity of the end of this relationship. It can be done. I did it. I tell people you know you're DBing right when you don't feel like your life is on hold until after 'limbo'. Your life is here, now, today. You don't need a Divorce Decree to be open to the goodness all around you. You just need to let go of hope, and the idea of conditional happiness it suggests.

So my questions to you would be, why else besides WAS do you think DBing is a good path for you to be on? If WAS died how would you pick up the pieces of your life?

Remember Hope, if you can't find joy in your life with what you have, God giving you back one flawed man won't change that.

It's not easy, and it takes time, so don't think you can't do this. Just keep your eyes on you. Maybe set a goal of you reaching a place shortly down the road of being independent financially and emotionally, appreciative of what you have, and able to enjoy the life you've been given. Steer towards that. If you get there and WAH wants to play ball, you can figure it out then. But you can't avoid getting on your own two feet hoping he rescues you.