One of These Days

[uRworthy]

Hi Luke. I am still checking up on ya...LOL!

So, here's my take on something. I have never, in all the years I have been going through this, said one bad thing to my son about his dad. And trust me, there were many things I could have said as he did some horrific things. I have not regretted that stand for one second.

Because at the end of the day, I wanted my son to have his dad in his life. That was and will always be, one of the strongest compasses in my journey.

My son is now a man and he still, to this day, thanks me for that. Once you say something bad, it cant be unsaid..so good on you for acting with honor. It matters a great deal.

Your wife is still deep in the tunnel. I knew she was, but, you needed to see it for yourself. I am sorry by having to do that, that you were hurt again. But the truth is, it was necessary for you because of who you are, that you saw this through.

Now your job is to navigate your son through this and for you to continue on your journey.

You have been amazing throughout this and have grown so much. I always said that I wish I didnt have to learn what I did in the way that I did, but, I wouldnt trade the journey for anything.

While I know how deeply you were hurt, one day the hope is that you can truly forgive her. That is the ultimate goal. Doesnt mean you forget the acts. Doesnt mean you werent hurt. It just means that people are people and holding on to all of that winds up hurting us in the long run.

She is still a mess. It's best to leave her to it all. The only chance she has of making it to the other side is for her to do it alone. Thats just the way it works.

I am so proud to have "met" you. And there is nothing wrong with you continuing to post. This site is family.

And if you ever need me, you know where to find me.

[Irish M]

Hi Cali

so much of your last post touches home.

I have felt a shift in myself and no longer want the limbo I have been in for the past 2-3 years … and in a strange way I feel she needs the divorce … maybe we both do. I still have the gut feel one day she will bottom out and regret all this damage, no idea where I will be at that time but I am not longer in the ‘save my M’ camp .. as I have moved to my own where its focused on healing, removing the drama, and just trying to become a better person from all this realizing there was a reason … one I do not understand at this point but I know deep down this had to happen exactly this way.

Amen Cali, this is exactly how I feel about my sitch. I don't want to fight her on what she wants. Its part of her path. She hungers it so much to be free of everything. Only then will she ( or may not) see that her pain is her own and not her family. In your case its a step forward for both op you, even though its sad.

A little side note. I took S out GeoCaching (Its like a scavenger hunt where you use GPS to locate hidden items, outdoors/hiking/active to get him out of the house and off the technology) … something we enjoy and its been ‘our’ thing through this MLC-mess.

We (me and my D's) love Geocaching. we've been doing it since they were 5 and 7. Still do it without W. So glad you are enjoying that activity with your son.
I strongly suggest it to all.

I am not so sure W would do what I would need her to do, we would have to date again … I would need total .. talking TOTAL transparency plus I would like to know how that list of everything wrong with me plays into a new relationship .. those words and things said .. while at the time I disregarded them as MLC cray talk … they were said and they are issues. I just do not see that ever happening, like I told him .. my W died in a MLC-car crash and I am haunted by her ghost, looks just like her but the woman I loved and trusted is gone.

Scary you said that to your buddy. I had the same discussion with one of my close friends. That W has too high a mountain to climb and to far an ocean to swim... Even the part of W dying an MLC death and i'm haunted by her ghost..

Our stories are so different and you pointed that out when I first arrived here on this forum. Mine is a runner. But the MLC is all the same

Keep posting buddy, You help so many.
God bless

[kml]

The Podcast hit on this … if we bash the MLCr our children do the math .. if the LBS is good and the MLCr is all bad that makes them 50% bad and 50% good …. Not a good thing for the kids right? Food for thought I felt the need to share.

So wise.
I have always been careful not to badmouth my ex, when possible I try to paint his behavior in the best light or at least write it off to his multiple concussions.

Yesterday my adult children were over and we were going to a movie together, getting in the car there was a discussion about leg length (as in not needing to move the seat forward to make legroom for the person behind). I commented on how they get it from me (long torsos and short legs) and my youngest (who is very depressed and currently estranged from his dad) commented that he wished he got ALL his genes from me .

So I can see how, even as adults, when they see their father's behavior in a negative light, they also can see themselves as part of that negativity, because of their genetic link.

[mleigh4]

Hi Cali. You are sounding good despite the circumstances. I know you miss her, old W anyway, but I hope the distance from the drama is helping with your healing. It's going to take a while, no rush, just keep being your awesome Cali self.

Do you know where S heard "ho" from? You handled that conversation well.

I never heard of geocaching. I looked it up and it sounds really fun, something I think my S would actually like! I want to learn more about it and give it a try, thank you for mentioning it.

Please keep checking in to let us know how you are.

[CaliGuy]

Hi Luke. I am still checking up on ya...LOL!

So, here's my take on something. I have never, in all the years I have been going through this, said one bad thing to my son about his dad. And trust me, there were many things I could have said as he did some horrific things. I have not regretted that stand for one second.

Because at the end of the day, I wanted my son to have his dad in his life. That was and will always be, one of the strongest compasses in my journey.

My son is now a man and he still, to this day, thanks me for that. Once you say something bad, it cant be unsaid..so good on you for acting with honor. It matters a great deal.

uR ... my personal guardian angel in all this I sincerely thank you for always being there.

I am sure early on I have said some things, frustration with all this ... well it will get ya when you are not ready for it but I have been very aware of the fact S needs W and W needs S, their R is and always will be between them and who am I to mess with that. I absolutely treasure the R I have with S, and am so happy he opens up to me and regardless I do hope W reaches that level with S because she is really missing out on what a wonderful boy he is.

That being said I thought about it today .. I am concerned that he has had this MLC mess for 3 of his 9 years ... he deserves a happy childhood and I pray he can be at peace and too get through this, I pray this does not send him into his own MLC and I know all I can do is be the rock and explain things the best (age appropriate) I can as we go through this.

Your wife is still deep in the tunnel. I knew she was, but, you needed to see it for yourself. I am sorry by having to do that, that you were hurt again. But the truth is, it was necessary for you because of who you are, that you saw this through.

Now your job is to navigate your son through this and for you to continue on your journey.

You have been amazing throughout this and have grown so much. I always said that I wish I didnt have to learn what I did in the way that I did, but, I wouldnt trade the journey for anything.

While I know how deeply you were hurt, one day the hope is that you can truly forgive her. That is the ultimate goal. Doesnt mean you forget the acts. Doesnt mean you werent hurt. It just means that people are people and holding on to all of that winds up hurting us in the long run.

I know I had to have this happen. I seen a short clip about Lobsters, yup ... Lobsters. Talked about how they grow and gorw up to a point its painful, so painful they must shed their shells and grow new ones, the transition leaves them vulnerable but its that intense pain that inspires growth ... so yeah I took a bit out of that.

As far as forgiving her ... ugh, I was thinking over the weekend where I am in regards to that. Seems I have a mixed bag here, 1 pt she is dead to me... died in a MLC car crash years ago and I am haunted by her living ghost/shell. 1 pt disgust/betrayal/hurt. 1 pt pity, she is and has sabotaged all for what? ... 1 pt some sorrow/grief for my family and wife are gone. And the last pt acceptance, I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed, I do accept its headed where it is intended as I believe God has a path for me that he is not going to ruin by showing me the final destination.

She is still a mess. It's best to leave her to it all. The only chance she has of making it to the other side is for her to do it alone. Thats just the way it works.

I am so proud to have "met" you. And there is nothing wrong with you continuing to post. This site is family.

And if you ever need me, you know where to find me.

[CaliGuy]

Irish, kml, M .... thank you for your words and posts.

Irish: I posted in someones post a few days ago about not sure what is better/worse the Bommerang or the Vanisher in MLC and decided its a Chit-Sandwich and just a matter of which end you start on ... the sandwich is the same

kml: I do think about the R between W and S ... W and MIL do not have a good one, not shre W ever learned it really, shame for them both really but nothing I can do to help that, and nothing I will do to hurt it. Its on them.

M No idea where he heard it, maybe a movie or while on his iPad (She does not monitor this) ... maybe school .. the important thing is he feels comfortable enough around me to ask such a thng so big picture I am happy the communication lines are open with topics like this.

[CaliGuy]

Ok figured I would update a bit ... trying to make it a weekly journal session just to get some things out as I process through all this.

No word on D ... as I mentioned she landed FT with the company she wanted so she most likely is just trying to set a good impression which I dont really have issues with ... not like my life is going to change much post D right now as far as I can see anyways. She does seem to press here and there when she is not getting her way (ie me not bending over backwards for her to help with things she needs ... Dog/babysitting if she made plans/ switching days last minute... etc) These are not emotional interactions from me, I am very matter of fact with the discussions and am at a point I do not get sucked into her drama, and if she acts up I end the conversation regardless in person/phone/text which has started providing results as she is quick to calm down once I restate this boundary. Still has been pretty dark and I only physically see her at S's baseball games and the weekend exchange. She looks like crap ... I imagine the stress is to blame

Stress I speak of is over the family dog. 12 year old Lab ... over the past month she has been testing me, wanting me to rush over for every little thing, was her one chain to tug for the anchor which I was not always answering. She took him off meds he has been on for 10 years, he had a bad reaction and was not eating/ soiling accidently .. that type of thing. She told me she was thinking of putting him down. I told her it was her choice ... I could not take the dog under such short notice when I moved out, she can not care for him so Yesterday monring I went over ... took him on our last walk ... loaded him in her car for her and S and I left as she put him down. He was old ... but I know if I was there he would still be with us ... to be candid it would have only extended the inevitable and he still would most likely have to have been put down in a few months. I did not say anything to W about this .. how I felt .. nor did I comfort her. We got this dog prior to having S .. .he was our first baby in many respects. Just a sad day .. S took it well .. we talked off and on about it, a boy losing his dog is never an easy thing and this is #2, we lost our Sheppard almost 3 years ago to the day.
S called W that night as usual, she was still crying ... even asked S how I was doing ... I was surprised to hear that as she hasn't done that since I left. Not reading into it just caught me off guard. S and I talked a bit .. recalling good times with our dog.

Other than that ... not much as far as updates. I am doing ok ... keeping busy and trying new cooking recipes some hits some fails. I have also been really digging in on mirror work listening to podcasts, I have a support group of like minded guys I can bounce things off of. Have had some dreams about W off and on .. more processing in my brain I imagine of my brain telling my heart to let go. I have no doubt she is still in crisis and will be ... she looks stressed and worn out again, I do pray for her .. I just do not find myself praying for my M anymore and am at peace with things, I just am not sure where my life is headed as far as M or a R ... I have reached a point I am tired of being alone but also know I have little time for anything new in my life.

Hope all is well with you all here

Peace

[CaliGuy]

OH

Almost forgot..... so in my journey, current phase is definately HEALING... and I patch myself up again and continue to move in the forward direction I came across a song ... which if you are interested you should hear the story behind the song writer, and the singer it will floor you ... anyways here is the song and lyrics which have been my current battle cry.

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again: Danny Gokey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F77v41jbOYs'

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

[Kyh]

Hi Cali, i haven't posted on your thread but I've been following them since I found myself here and you've helped me more than you could believe. I just wanted to tell you I am really sorry to hear about your dog; they are true friends and I am sorry for your loss. Take care.

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, I'm sorry to hear about your lovely old dog - it is always sad to lose a much loved pet and friend. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for sharing the song - I liked that one and I've shared it with my divorce group friends. It sounds as though you are doing well, given all circumstances. Doesn't sound as though things are great for your W and I hope things improve for her soon.

Take care xx