Ok figured I would update a bit ... trying to make it a weekly journal session just to get some things out as I process through all this.
No word on D ... as I mentioned she landed FT with the company she wanted so she most likely is just trying to set a good impression which I dont really have issues with ... not like my life is going to change much post D right now as far as I can see anyways. She does seem to press here and there when she is not getting her way (ie me not bending over backwards for her to help with things she needs ... Dog/babysitting if she made plans/ switching days last minute... etc) These are not emotional interactions from me, I am very matter of fact with the discussions and am at a point I do not get sucked into her drama, and if she acts up I end the conversation regardless in person/phone/text which has started providing results as she is quick to calm down once I restate this boundary. Still has been pretty dark and I only physically see her at S's baseball games and the weekend exchange. She looks like crap ... I imagine the stress is to blame
Stress I speak of is over the family dog. 12 year old Lab ... over the past month she has been testing me, wanting me to rush over for every little thing, was her one chain to tug for the anchor which I was not always answering. She took him off meds he has been on for 10 years, he had a bad reaction and was not eating/ soiling accidently .. that type of thing. She told me she was thinking of putting him down. I told her it was her choice ... I could not take the dog under such short notice when I moved out, she can not care for him so Yesterday monring I went over ... took him on our last walk ... loaded him in her car for her and S and I left as she put him down. He was old ... but I know if I was there he would still be with us ... to be candid it would have only extended the inevitable and he still would most likely have to have been put down in a few months. I did not say anything to W about this .. how I felt .. nor did I comfort her. We got this dog prior to having S .. .he was our first baby in many respects. Just a sad day .. S took it well .. we talked off and on about it, a boy losing his dog is never an easy thing and this is #2, we lost our Sheppard almost 3 years ago to the day. S called W that night as usual, she was still crying ... even asked S how I was doing ... I was surprised to hear that as she hasn't done that since I left. Not reading into it just caught me off guard. S and I talked a bit .. recalling good times with our dog.
Other than that ... not much as far as updates. I am doing ok ... keeping busy and trying new cooking recipes some hits some fails. I have also been really digging in on mirror work listening to podcasts, I have a support group of like minded guys I can bounce things off of. Have had some dreams about W off and on .. more processing in my brain I imagine of my brain telling my heart to let go. I have no doubt she is still in crisis and will be ... she looks stressed and worn out again, I do pray for her .. I just do not find myself praying for my M anymore and am at peace with things, I just am not sure where my life is headed as far as M or a R ... I have reached a point I am tired of being alone but also know I have little time for anything new in my life.
