1)) I cannot pull off "don't start convos and keep words scarce." For me, no matter how hard I try, it comes off angry and cold. And H has accused me of such. I can see why he does tho, because when I get angry , in the past, I was a "silent treatment" type of girl. I remember this from before-- I need to engage in friendly way, not over-do, not be needy and pursue-y.
I'm the same way. I've tried and also sound cold. Then I end up apologizing for sounding cold. Which gives him power over me and he says (detached) you can sound however you like. He can pull off detached well...he's had years to think about this! So I stay upbeat and cheerful, busy, make eye contact and try to be fun. All the while busily preparing for the D to go final and the house to go on the market. It seems to confuse him, as I've told him before its not what I want. But by working hard for what I don't want, I see him moving slower... I think you find what works best through the 180s. Sounds like you are 180ing the usual silent treatment.
2)H always brings up R. Always! And the dude will not let go of the past. I've have said "I cannot fix or change anything that happened in the past. We must move forward." His reply yesterday was "that is where I left my feelings. In the past." I said "I am sorry you feel that way."
3) When speaking of R, H is insistent that we be friends, hang out for holidays, coffee, etc. While I have told him that I cannot guarantee that, he almost gets angry with me--"Why not?! After 21 years?!" He kept digging. The more I try to just validate and let it go, my emotions got the best of me. While I did not cry last night during R talk. I finally said "Because I still love you and that will hurt me!" (Jeepers Mel--just STFU) There was more R talk after that. I gathered my senses, and did end up leaving the room first while he was still eating dinner.
I'm usually the one to bring up R talk (not so much anymore), but I'm the same. We emotional wimmens and our teary "I love you's"! Yeah, my H wants to be friends, too. But that's friends on his terms, and he doesn't even know what his terms are. Holidays? Dunno. Working on the house? Never know which H I get. I HAVE figured out he doesn't like to call on work days (throws himself into work). I do believe being "friends" is a link that keeps the door open. Just figure out your boundaries so you take care of you.
On a more positive note (I guess :/), I have made an appt to see a lawyer this week. Just the consult, but I need to know what I might be up against. H says he does not want a D, so I am not sure how that translates when we are trying to maintain two separate households.
Speaking of separation, anyone have any advice on a "controlled separation?" Should I make some boundaries/rules? I am of course specifically referring to seeing other people. Maybe a time limit. I like the idea, but wonder if it is putting too much pressure, and it could back fire on me. Maybe those work for other situations but not MLC. Thoughts would be appreciated.
I really think you have no control in this area. No way of enforcing it? Maybe I don't understand. Would you like to see others after a certain time or are you saying he should not until a certain time? Just clarifying. If it is an agreement to not see others for a certain time, prepare to have it seen as controlling and therefore a boundary begging to be crossed by an MLC mind. Just my thoughts.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
