Baby steps

[Painter]

Juju, I agree that what I'm fighting for is not a bed of roses. There's many, many likenesses between our H's, you're right. I talked to a man who is married to a woman with Aspergers and was struck by the similarities in behavior... H's children have both been diagnosed with 'spectrum' disorders, so not completely unlikely. But H would never accept that this could impact his relationships, so no point in going there.

One example of H's behavior that I find bizarre but consistent with a spectrum disorder: His D lived 45 minutes away and didn't have a car. She kept asking H to come have lunch with her on his days off. She was very close to H growing up, and missed him and was lonely and isolated where she lived. He refused, supposedly because he didn't like the area she lived in, which he told me in a disgusted tone whenever I encouraged him to go. This went on for over a year - he never budged. He's now upset that she doesn't stay in touch with him more, and he does not see the connection between his own lack of investment in their R and the lack of closeness between them today.

H and I have plenty of warm feelings for each other and mutual respect in principle - we just can't figure out how to handle conflicts or differences of opinion on an everyday basis. I think that can be learned, and I'm willing to put all of me into that process, but H believes it is what it is, we are who we are, and nothing can be changed. So - he's giving up where I am willing to continue working. I have to accept his choice.

I feel both sorry for him and worried about him. The choices he is making are not going to benefit him, I'm afraid.

But there's many things I will appreciate not having to live with once I'm on my own. I spent 4 months away a couple of years ago and felt more like myself than I had in years, and it was a great feeling. I was hoping I could remain that person when I came back, but it seems I have to fight so hard to be able to be myself in this M. It shouldn't be like that, I think.

There were many signs when I was away that pointed towards staying away... I didn't listen to them. It was like a road was being paved for me. In some ways, I feel like I'm getting direction that keeps pushing me towards a S/D. It's weird, I have never felt that guided before in my life, and it's contrary to what I actually want.

I don't know if I actually answered any of your questions or if I'm just rambling... This is where I'm at today, I just e-mailed my L the S agreement for review.