Yes, it is fair to call my thinking that a WW will continue to make selfish choices an assumption. I see you staying on other threads to fight for your children to others. Why do you think I am doing this out of spite?
Just a couple of posts back you said that you know that you do not want to file (go look it up if you do not believe me). And I do know your pain you are experiencing. You are trying anything and everything to make the pain stop and go away. And you are trying to get a reaction out of your wife, you are hoping that once she sees you filed, she'd realize that the $hit hit the fan and she has to get her $hit together or risk losing you.
Question about parenting. Sometimes my youngest cries and talks about wanting mommy to come home. Should I share with her how much pain her choices are causing the kids by facetiming her and letting them tell her that? I am going to get them into some counseling to help them out, and learn what is best for them (i.e. me comforting or if FT is better. I will follow the professional recommendations for what is best for kids, but would this be pursuing? I'm thinking just to text and say they want to talk to her. She is in denial about the pain D will/is causing the kids.
The pain this is causing the kids makes it so hard to not be cold or angry towards her. I went back and read some journals from closer to BD and my attitude and desires to be with her continue to decrease everyday. I love the woman that I married, but not my WW. I have implemented things to minimize my interactions with WW, by having a family member pick them up from her. I think it is best right now to limit my contact as to avoid being cold or other setbacks. Going dark is probably the best move for me right now..??
Meet with L yesterday and since she now has a job, they think she should be the one giving me money and not the other way around (I give her the minimal amount of $$ for meals when she has the kids). If there was a D, she would be the one required to pay child support even though I make a lot more. I am not sure this is good DB'ing to tell her that she now needs to provide for them herself @ the very minimum for the time she has them.
Also, thoughts on telling her she should now be responsible for her car payment, get her own car insurance, and open her own checking account or I that I can remove myself from our joint if she prefers?
Question about parenting. Sometimes my youngest cries and talks about wanting mommy to come home. Should I share with her how much pain her choices are causing the kids by facetiming her and letting them tell her that? I am going to get them into some counseling to help them out, and learn what is best for them (i.e. me comforting or if FT is better. I will follow the professional recommendations for what is best for kids, but would this be pursuing? I'm thinking just to text and say they want to talk to her. She is in denial about the pain D will/is causing the kids.
If she is in denial about the pain D will cause the kids, why do you think any attempts at guilting her will change her mind?
I saw my little grandchildren go through the same thing. When they were with mommy, they cried for daddy, and then cried for mommy when with daddy. Divorce and adultery are very ugly. It hurts the LBS, the kids, and the extended family.
I'm glad you are going to turn to someone who will know how to deal with a child's pain when their parents split up.
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Meet with L yesterday and since she now has a job, they think she should be the one giving me money and not the other way around (I give her the minimal amount of $$ for meals when she has the kids). If there was a D, she would be the one required to pay child support even though I make a lot more. I am not sure this is good DB'ing to tell her that she now needs to provide for them herself @ the very minimum for the time she has them.
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Also, thoughts on telling her she should now be responsible for her car payment, get her own car insurance, and open her own checking account or I that I can remove myself from our joint if she prefers?
This ^^^^, after you just agreed to give her money b/c she doesn't have enough? Personally, I would have suggested you gave her the car payment & insurance in the beginning, but now I think you need to follow the advice of your lawyer, if you plan to use one.
Is it just me, or have you gone from wanting to give her what she asks.....to wanting to do something that will shock her so much that it will snap her out of her waywardness?
My advice is for you is to stop reading her journals and start focusing on making a better life for yourself. Stop thinking of ways to get a reaction from her. I know you are hurting, and maybe a part of you wants her to have some pain, too. Before you make decisions, check your motivation behind the decision very closely.
I am for applying tougher love when there is a wayward spouse involved, however, I believe the LBS needs to know what and why they are doing something.....and not bouncing all over the place. Until you can become more stable in your thinking, I am concerned you could be creating more problems. Think things through for a long time before acting. Check with your lawyer before you do something, b/c you could really mess things up if you get in the way of whatever your lawyer may be doing.
There is a big difference in tough love and vindictiveness. One has love in it, and the other doesn't.
I'm glad you are talking out your thoughts here, instead of jumping into something and then telling about it. Maybe it helps to just put it down in words.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's worth the time to tell her how much she is hurting her children. If she can't see it herself she is lost. Nothing you say will change that and just create yet another reason for her to justify what she is doing in her mind. It feels like an controlling, manipulative action. Don't do it.
As for all the other things you need to work out a separation agreement with your lawyer, as has been suggested already. What is your hesitation to doing this already???
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I know it is wrong, but I just want to ask her why she hasn't filed yet. From what I read on other threads, I ask myself, "what's in it for her not to file". I feel like right now she is living the single life and doing what she wants, when she wants but has me there to pay her bills (car, cell, ins. etc) and she knows once we D, she will have to pay those. I The kids had there first overnight and all she did was send them to her bedroom and had them watch movies and TV while she played her video games. It was their first visit so I thought she would want to make sure they had a great time...nope. Even the kids make comments about how she plays this stupid game all the time. She just ignores them and thinks just because they are with her that is being a mom.
Another thing is safety. Yes it is legal in this state for one of our kids to not have anything and the other to ride in a booster seat, but JUST barely. I want to tell her that the kids need to be in car seats, Period. I am sure this will be viewed as controlling, but really? Why wouldn't you want to do everything you can to keep your kids safe? I am trying to think of a boundary for this, but don't really think I can impose any form of consequence.
At this point, we really don't interact but one or two texts a day about kids, which she initiates. I haven't seen the anger or vindictiveness, no ILYBNILWY, no I was never in love from her. I sometimes wonder if she is 51% WAW and 49% WW and if I should be doing things different. Sometimes I feel like I am not experimenting to see what works and what doesn't, because I am not really doing much of anything. I am following advice of the path of inaction. I am really just going dark, GAL'ing, my 180's I think are lacking and I need to revisit those.
I discussed with my IC the fact that she said I wasn't acting like I wanted to work on the M. IC asked me what I could do to show her that I do want to work on the M. And recommended trying some experiments to see what works and what doesn't. I am not really sure what I could do that wouldn't be pursuing. IC advised to linger for just a bit during interactions, to ask about her day, how she was doing etc. She again recommended that I see if she will do things with the kids and I to reminder her that we can be happy together (already mentioned this before and it was deemed as cake eating, I agree)
Should I be starting convo's and doing this? I am not cold or short with her when we interact, but I don't start conversations and really just do what needs to be done and leave. Any advice on if I should linger for just a bit and chat? If I should be starting non-R related convo's when I see her? She fired me so should I care about her day?
Well I guess you could give it a go. IMO it will backfire. There is 2 ways this could go:
a) She reacts OK and she starts talking more to you. Then you will get impatient and want it all back ASAP. Then she will withdraw even further.
b) She'll continue acting the same.
Believe or not, option A will get you to a special kind of hell, get your expectations way up and you will crash and burn... You are ill equipped for this ATM.
Personally, I would have suggested you gave her the car payment & insurance in the beginning, but now I think you need to follow the advice of your lawyer, if you plan to use one.