I Used to Like Rollercoasters

[ciluzen]

I'm sort of "compassionately detached" as well. I'm still nice, still validating, still allowing him to vent and share when he initiates. If he is over helping with the house (it will be on the market soon)I offer up food when I am eating. But I don't initiate contact unless it is important info anymore. I live my own life with my own friends and interests. It seems to be what works for some of us.

I'm full into the divorce process, but being nice and helpful. I'm almost getting the feeling that my packing up the house and taking care of splitting accounts, getting names off of things, setting up my own life apart from H is going too fast for him. He's dragging his feet and I'm upsetting him, either because its suddenly becoming real to him or because my doing it in an upbeat, helpful and efficient way is making him think I really do want the D he initiated.

I feel ya on this:

" I want him to feel the loss of me and feel that he needs me but there are things that he will not address or take care of unless I do, and its tough b/c those things are affecting me directly since I'm really in a financial pickle, looking for a new job, trying to keep my apartment and save money to move. He's been more helpful but I try not to read into it and just look at it from a positive angle - going from absolutely ignoring me and NC."

We both have to reinvent ourselves, where they're carrying on with what they "want" or at least, think they need to feel happy. By detaching and moving forward with life, cheerfully, it seems to confuse them. Possible power shift? With my H, I have found he is an emotional punisher. H behaved badly, I confronted, he punished me for confronting him by being worse next time. Now I ignore (or appear to). I have found that if the punishment doesn't appear to affect me, he loses his power. It confuses him.
This is how detaching seems to help. I just keep saying to myself, "I am the lighthouse". And then move on with myself. Still analyzing though.

I don't think you necessarily made a mistake making dinner for him. Just change your attitude about it, maybe. Instead of cooking dinner for him, cook dinner for YOU and offer him some if he is there. Remind him he can say no...then you get leftovers for lunch.