Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Some weekend musings:

1)) I cannot pull off "don't start convos and keep words scarce." For me, no matter how hard I try, it comes off angry and cold. And H has accused me of such. I can see why he does tho, because when I get angry , in the past, I was a "silent treatment" type of girl. I remember this from before-- I need to engage in friendly way, not over-do, not be needy and pursue-y.

2)H always brings up R. Always! And the dude will not let go of the past. I've have said "I cannot fix or change anything that happened in the past. We must move forward." His reply yesterday was "that is where I left my feelings. In the past." I said "I am sorry you feel that way."

3) When speaking of R, H is insistent that we be friends, hang out for holidays, coffee, etc. While I have told him that I cannot guarantee that, he almost gets angry with me--"Why not?! After 21 years?!" He kept digging. The more I try to just validate and let it go, my emotions got the best of me. While I did not cry last night during R talk. I finally said "Because I still love you and that will hurt me!" (Jeepers Mel--just STFU) There was more R talk after that. I gathered my senses, and did end up leaving the room first while he was still eating dinner.


On a more positive note (I guess :/), I have made an appt to see a lawyer this week. Just the consult, but I need to know what I might be up against. H says he does not want a D, so I am not sure how that translates when we are trying to maintain two separate households.

Speaking of separation, anyone have any advice on a "controlled separation?" Should I make some boundaries/rules? I am of course specifically referring to seeing other people. Maybe a time limit. I like the idea, but wonder if it is putting too much pressure, and it could back fire on me. Maybe those work for other situations but not MLC. Thoughts would be appreciated.