H has been contacting me more frequently about bills. And though I continue to try my hardest to detach, I do see this as progress...ideally progress toward the healing and restoration of our M.
He came by twice in one week about 2 weeks ago to go over financials and he we agreed that I would take care of some things that I would normally take care of. I made a mistake and invited him to stay for dinner and he obliged. I got a bit sassy and threw some truth darts his away when the convo would have light talks about R. I told him, "I know thats what you want, but I don't want it." He simply got quiet, looked down at his knife and fork, started playing with it and said, "I don't want a D either but I feel its the right thing to do...but I do think about the opposition (the alternative is what I'm thinking he was saying). We continued to have light talk, and a few laughs at the same talking about bills. But then he says he wants to help me. I told him he needs to stop going around telling everyone he wants a D and he said, "Everyone is making their own opinion about it and it's like telephone. Yes, I have talked about D but, if you want to know something about us, you come talk to me." I just said ok...its a matter of respect b/c I am your wife. But none of this was in a bitter, loud way at all. We were being honest with each other but again, I'm trying not to overanalyze.
I know I made a mistake cooking dinner for him, that wont happen again until he comes to me and says he wants to work on it. Otherwise, I will continue to detach as much as I can. I've been advised to "compassionately detach" as he doesn't respond well to me being cold. I've been way too validating and accommodating to him so I've stopped all of that. It've time for me to show my anger - in a lovingly distant way. He also thanked me for being so being so accommodating to him throughout all of this.
I want him to feel the loss of me and feel that he needs me but there are things that he will not address or take care of unless I do, and its tough b/c those things are affecting me directly since I'm really in a financial pickle, looking for a new job, trying to keep my apartment and save money to move. He's been more helpful but I try not to read into it and just look at it from a positive angle - going from absolutely ignoring me and NC.
So compassionate detachment is where I fall right now...
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
