So. As some of you guys know, I've been here over a year. After h's affair, we decided to give our m a go.
He has phases of tuning in and out. At times I see flashes him back- but some days, in fact a lot of days, I am treated to the silent treatment. He can go from that, to taking me out for a meal. I tried to talk to him and said I feel I've lost you, and my best friend and that I can't go to him to talk. He says I still can, but I can't- when I talk, he immediately shuts me down and ends the conversation in one word, or grunt. We have a toddler together. And these problems occurred when baby was about 5 months old- before that, we were maybe way to involved in each other, practically one person.
It's hard as I am in piecing, but at the same time- I don't feel i am as I feel the need to use dbing techniques. It's really tough.
He has a stressful job and works all hours. He says he does this to better the family. And he's told me if he didn't love me, he wouldn't sleep in the same bed as me, do things to help me etc. His love language for sure is acts of service.
Just wondering if anyone can help, any advise or techniques to use?
I'll try just about anything. I'm just so exhausted.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
So he checked out again. Had a bit of a talk last night, emphasis on bit- as he was too preoccupied playing a game to give me time of day. He says he isn't happy. And I say I'm not either. But also that we were supposed to be working through things and it doesn't seem that we are. He had no response. He says he loves me as the mother of his child. That's it. This, is the THIRD time I've heard this now, then a few months down the line he has told me- no I do. This seems like a game, I had no idea how immature he was! And I'm tired, I've been dbing a year and a half, and he tunes in and out. I thought I had one baby- not two. This is so so hard
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Oops. Sorry. Ignore the question about the LL. Somehow I had missed your first post.
How have you been meeting his need for acts of service? Have you specifically asked him what exactly he needs you to do?
Okay, so H does say he love you. Even if he says it in a roundabout way. Also, saying that he loves you as the mother of his child is also a form of love.
I think what both you seem to need at this point in time is the feeling of romantic love, the feeling of being in love.
How are date nights coming along?
I get the feeling that work stress is either a symptom of something else or the cause of the rut you're in now.
The playing of video game is a deadaway. My xh used to escape into the virtual world whenever he was stressed. Just a thought, is it possible for you to game with him?
Maybe your H is teething? Have you read Mwd'S article about this on this site?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Date nights are awful, last one he invited me out- and then ignored me. His friends met him and it turned to a guys evening. With me. He was so chatty with them. Me, he didn't say a word. Completely ignored me. And when I made conversation he would mumble a word and end it.
Acts of service wise, I try to help him with work- I ask him what can I do to make it easier. Last few times he's said in of no help so why bother asking me. Which is hurtful when I try my best. Things like making sure he has food ready etc. I would always make food for work. Then he started leaving it at home. Which is hurtful.
He is completely clammed up to me.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Since reading on things like teething I don't give him a hard time about things. Especially as I know he is struggling with the stresses and demand of his job. He told me before he's fine with work. It's home that bothers him.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
How are the good date nights different from the not-good ones? Anything different in the events leading up to them?
Cherry, did he tell you that he wanted prepared food for work? I am sorry he didn't appreciate it but it seems like he has some needs that he's not telling you about?
He may say that things are fine at work but it may be a masculine pride thing. He may not want to appear incompetent in front of you. Would you be able to check on what's really happening since you work at the same place?
Xh used to insist that things were fine at work. They were not but I didnt know until some time after his angry outbursts. It was always work stress that tipped him over. But he was oblivious to the fact and seriously thought that I was the cause of his unhappiness.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Nope not at all, his moods are impossible to predict. The good ones is more communication. We may have a laugh and joke, we talk and catch up on the weeks events. I try and keep the lighthouse story in my mind and keep my behaviours as steady and consistent as possible.
If I ask him can I do things for him, he is a pouty child and replies with a blunt "no"
He's jumping through hoops and trying to impress top bosses. It's like no matter what promotion he gets, he isn't satisfied. He wants higher, and he wants it now. He's previously snapped and told me he does this for the sake of the family.
He's very very difficult. And doesn't seem to want to connect, he doesn't want to do anything romantic to try and get the passion back. So right now I don't know if I'd be best going back to original db and give him some space?
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I don't think you guy's are necessarily 'piecing' yet.
your husband has much to work out in his life still to get to that point. I hope this does not change your perspective of what will be required of you in this ordeal.
His behaviors over the last year and a half, have certainly indicated a real depression. You are his grounding rod for sure, his lighthouse, so to speak...but you need to take care of yourself.
a big piece to that really needs to be you not focusing on the ins and out of your daily relationship. It is sad and disappointing and heart wrenching to say this...because I know what you are going through. I understand your feelings and being discouraged by the yo-yo-ing that is your husband's involvement in your lives. Really nothing changes on your current path, of GOALS, GALS and 180's except for potentially your outlook or rather your idea of what kind of timeline you are facing.
I wish I could slap some sense into him, but we all know that will do no good...as whatever he is dealing with will just be back worse than this time around.
Have you spent any time reading the 'MLC' forums, I honestly can't remember if we've talked about this before. Perhaps you could wander over there and spend some time reading some of the homework Cadet posts for that group...there is lots of overlap, but a ton of more specific information that can help you re-gear yourself.
