I appreciate your comments and support. I read through some of you situation and there are similarities. I think I will not pursue snooping as that could be wasted energy for me.
I wish I could be an unemotional rock somedays lately. lol It would help me function better. I guess the whole idea that men do not like to talk about emotions is not the same as us feeling the violence internally that emotions can bring eh?
I feel too, that I found this board and DR and Dbing all to late as well. Yesterday I had a tuff time when my D17 made mention that she saw this coming a couple of years ago. Wow did I feel dumb and blind. She saw issues that I missed. Although now as I play back my marriage, I see a million signs back to before we got married. But I know that is the mind trying to unravel this and it does no good and I have to live in the moment, make small plans for the future and stay focused on being a better man, father and better husband for the future.
All good.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Today has started off being a challenge as the depression has kicked into full gear.
It probably started last night as yesterday evening I was a bit in rage mode as I went out with a friend to attend a mens church meeting. I had my youngest daughter as D17 was with her mother at a play that was a gift for her at Xmas.
Anyhow I was able to leave my D5 with my friends wife and children in order to attend the meeting. The meeting was a good one, but the challenge was that the messages were focused on the family and the mans sacred role in doing what is right to nurture, strengthen and maintain a sound family unit. While I love the message and know that I have made mistakes and want to strive always to do and be better, the thoughts of what is currently happening to my family certainly felt like a gut punch to say the least.
After the meeting I shared with my friend some of the challenges and issues that I am going through and while we were talking he received a text from his wife saying that my D5 announced to them how her and her mommy found a house with her uncle and that they would be moving away from daddy. She asked if I was aware of this. The second gut punch for the night. Anger swelled in me to say the least. I was aware of it as the WAW had told me when she returned today, but hearing how my D5 was sharing this with folks just stings. I know that my WAW takes my D5 just about everywhere as it seems to be her way of having one of the girls since my D17 told her she did not want to live with her.
Anyway, the anger kept me numb the rest of the evening, and I got home with D5 and got to bed and fell asleep myself before they got home from the play. Nightmares of my situation throughout the night made it a rough night. So I woke up a bit in a depressive state.
Today is a conference day for my church and we are able to watch our church leaders and hear their messages from our home and we are all here. The messages are of families, fathers responsibilities to the family and forgiveness. I know these are all supposed to be messages of peace, and under different circumstances, I am sure they would be for me, but the messages, seem to just pour salt on my wounds and make me feel as If I have failed my family.
I am trying to hold it together as I have to have a challenging talk with the WAW about a financial agreement as her moving out will not be financially supported from me as it appears her plan is. She wants to pay for her new place and stuff and then have the finances divided in the D afterwards.
I am trying to hang in there, but today is doing number on me and maintaining hope and faith in a future where I can do what is right and be better for the damage this ordeal is causing.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am laughing a bit, because I should have read my post a little more closely. Sometimes I know that we know more in our head than what we post. Her Uncle is really her Uncle so I know that is not an OM. Interestingly enough though, my D17 mentioned a couple of weeks ago, that if she did not know better, that she thought her mother was having an EA with her brother for as much time as she was spending with him since this all went down.
The brother is 12 years younger and moved here last year with his wife and baby girl. The interesting thing is, that he has never held a job since he graduated from college as his wife is the sole bread winner in the home, so he basically lives off of her. Even for 3 years that his wife was in school, he did not have a job as they lived off of her student loans. Basically he lives this fantasy life, that my WAW is jealous of as she has shared with my D17. Anyway, not to go off on a tangent, but I laugh, because in a way he is the OM, just not in the sense of a WW. And the EA, may be more attached to a dream she has not another person at this time.
My sitch as of today is that the WAW found a place to move into in 2 weeks yesterday, but wanted me to help pay for everything. She wanted to take money from our accounts and get some help with the bills and other stuff you need when you move out, and then file the divorce to split the finances. I explained that is not how it works, because that is basically double dipping the cash and I would not support that. I advised drawing up a binding finance agreement be made as per the advice of the L so we can both be protected and it is an even deal. She was not happy as she says that I am just trying to screw her. There is also an inheritance that she wants that was given to me . She thought that she is entitled to it, but after yelling and screaming at me it came out that she wants to buy a house and without it, she won't be able to do it. She then threw in that she thought that I wanted to do whats best for the family, and the house would be for my girls, but clearly I am just about the money as I always have been. Ouch
I'll admit, I may not have been the best at Dbing in this conversation as I had to push back forcefully a few times, but trying to do so in a calm manner did not go as I would have hoped. I did validate a lot, but sometimes I think it may not have sounded as sincere as it should have, but long story short, I saw tears from my WAW for the first time in many many years. I am not sure how I feel about that, but it was refreshing to see a little chink in the angry monster that has been here the past 2 months. Then the dagger to my heart came as she reminded me we will all be better off and it's just to late for her and I to ever work out.
I know, I know, believe nothing and only 50% of what she does, and have no expectations, just focus on myself, my baby girls and a bright future.
Roller coaster day for sure.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I confess to being a little relieved although something doesn't quite add up about it.
Your W and BIL behaviour is difficult is there something locked in their childhood? BIL being out of work for so long is more than just their little one since its been since college.
Is there a pattern?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You are correct as far as I am perceiving the BIL. He never really tried to get a job before their child was born. Once or twice he would get a job and then quit a week later. He was always content living off of others. As the youngest of 6 siblings he lived the cush life as his parents gave him everything.
I remember my W saying how he always got things she and the older siblings did not. He married his W who comes from a well to do family and he was getting cars, vacations and motorcycles right out of the gate. Anyway not to go on and on, his wife is super smart and driven and at this stage of the game seems content being the bread winner and letting him be Mr. mom.
I think an issue that I have long seen with the WAW is her desire to have attention from her family. She seemed to be the "outcast" so to speak when we met, and did a lot to make sure she got attention, but me being more reserved and not feeling accepted so much made it a challenge. All of the siblings married someone the family knew when they were children their small town. I did not fit that mold.
But anyway, one of my goals this weekend is to minimize my looking back at all of the "whys" as each time we have to speak about the big D, more things come out. The picture is being repainted so quickly that I think I am even losing focus of what our 20 years together was like. It almost appears to have been a living hell for both of us......and I refuse to let that be my memory, because I would not want to fight for my family and MR if that was the truth.
I will focus on what I believe I fell short on as a husband, a father, and a great man, that my family should and will have.
My hope is that some day when her fog clears she can see the real history and determine what will truly make herself happy.
The door may still be open.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am just trying to dump the noise out of my head right now. Yesterday was a good day for me, and I thought I had control of myself for once since this all went down now about 2 months ago.
Yesterday I functioned well emotionally and physically and even felt that I could see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I felt confident and like I had a plan. It got a little tense when I got home as I found evidence that the WAW was seeking advice on how to get stuff she thinks she is entitled to, but that is another story for another time. WAW came home in a good mood and even sat down with me in a proactive and "human" manner to discuss some details of the D. Things were alright until she told me of her plan to have her brother and sister over to move things while I went to church on Sunday. I advised that this would not be acceptable, as I will be in our current place anytime she was moving stuff and had folks over to help. She replied, if you are not uncomfortable with that then that is fine. I got a little defensive and replied, that I won't be uncomfortable in my own home but it may be for her family based on things she has shared with them. She looked at me with a smirk and said, I don't even know how to respond to that, you being all tough and all. I just shook my head at the comment.
I have to just keep my mouth shut as she has a knack for getting me to say something that she can flip around on me every time.
She did it in the same conversation when she said we need to help our D17 get a car. I replied that I am looking into options as I know this is something that is needed. She rolled her eyes and said, oh, now you will swoop in like the hero and just get it for her. I replied, that I am not sure what that means, and she said, oh nothing, you can get her a car, because I won' be able to afford it.
Oh goodness, I start to think that this is how it has always been living with her. I start to think I can't wait for her to leave and have some peace. But I know better in my heart. I did not spend 19 years with a woman that made me feel as miserable as the last 2 months. It is amazing to me this stranger that has invaded my home and my life 2 months ago. She looks like my W, but behind those eyes and every bitter and angry comment there is what just feels to be pure spite and I don't want to say evil, but it is not the spirit of a wife and mother anymore.
It hurts to see that my D17 has accepted this better than I and is just ready to move on. She only wants to spend time with her sister and focus on her future. Even my D5 has acted out towards her mother and called her out for things over the past week.
It all seems surreal to me. This whole situation escalated so fast that I can't keep tabs on what even happened. There is no EA/PA. There was never an ILYBNILWY. No specific reason has ever been shared with me as to why this is all happening. But accusations fly about in most conversations when she gets angry at my disagreeing, and I have pieced together so many reasons that I feel guilt ridden as a man, husband and father. I don't even know what our MR history was as it has been so repainted with every accusation. I can't really even get a hold of a DB strategy, because I am ducking and dodging everything as the only conversations that we have are about the D. And those are a mess, because she just wants to rush through it get some stuff and money and go on with her fantasy.....
But alas, today has been a challenge after having it together yesterday, as the panic attacks have hit several times, the endless loops of discouraging thoughts keep playing out in my mind, and my body feels a numb and floating sensation, I am sure due to the chemical flooding the panic attacks are creating.
This has to be a bad dream and I just need to wake up.
I see my IC today, we'll see what he can do to help me get on even ground. I gotta balance this out in order to help my family. I feel that nothing I can do will ever bring the family back together and I don't know that I want to at this point as I feel battered and whipped without ever getting a chance. Boy have I let the family down.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
