Doing everything wrong...

[trumpet]

Tell her you're not ok with her being there.
No cohabitation, no 'together' time unless it's in a public place.

She made the decision. She pooped her pants. They're starting to stink. She needs to clean them herself.

Tough to take, tough to implement. I know. This is love. Tough love. Put up the boundary and STICK to it. She is no longer welcome at the house. She moved out. Tell her to move the rust of her stuff while you're gone, and that you expect her to be gone when you get home.

Sad consequences of bad decisions.

My wife and I are in the same house, but D'ing right now. I'm happy to find a new place - she's stalling on the refi of the house, due to a number of reasons. She finds ways of pushing buttons and putting blame on me. I'm excited when she will no longer be able to do that.

[PacLove]

Thanks, I think I'll wait till I get home on Sunday - it'd be too hard on my D to come home and not see her there and then I'd be left explaining her dirty job.

I'll give her an the ultimatum then, if your're leaving tonight (Sunday) then I expect you to honor the custody agreement we set going forward and also tell our D, if you want to return then I need to know the A is done.

[TxHubby]

She's a major league cake eater and you're the baker. She's got full access to OM to get her jollies with and she's got you at home letting her do whatever she wants. She's living the dream. No reason at all for her to stop for even a second and question her choices because it's all win-win for her at this point. You know why that is? Because you're enabling it.

[PacLove]

So I was just re-reading the chapter on A's in DR, and the advice MWD gives is to first try the LRT and if that fails try the ALRT - which is basically complete cutoff/separation.

W has been showing some signs of wanting to make the MR work and not wanting to leave which I see as positive and has been extremely emotional through this and indecisive. Especially since I confronted her a week ago with proof and she admitted to the EA.

While I agree I may be enabling the EA and allowing her some Cake eating, shouldn't I go through the LRT process first and see if she starts to change?

[1313]

PacLove,
late to the party here - but you've gotten some good advice.

If you haven't read all of Sandi's posts, do it, and then do it again. TxHubby is spot on - she's going to lead you around like a prize poodle when it suits her, and lock you in the basement when she's bored.

Cake eating is what it's all about. And temperature taking. Remember, it's all a lie. You've got to separate, detach and let her wallow in her stink.

IMHO, an EA is far worse than a PA. I've had to come to grips with my WW's cheating, and in the past a PA was easy to dump because there was nothing truly emotional wrapped up in it. With an EA - well in my case she could justify it wasn't really an A at first. But, an EA will usually move to a PA.

You've got to realize what you're doing to help her realize her fantasy.

Now personally (and this is just me) if my WW's OM was married, I would certainly have told his W. But, he's been divorced for 17 years. My W has been in her A for about a year, possibly more. Hard to tell with an EA that moves forward. And, if you're the trusting type - who the heck knows how long it was incubating.

My W had plenty of time to plan, literally months - since last June really. So, she's been poisoning the well as far as friends. We've also got some that are enablers - nice friends, huh? Nothing like supplying a meet-up spot.

My WW accused me of telling everyone (meaning EVERYONE) that she lawyered up, and is having an A. When really it's just between us and that other stuff isn't important. Well, at that point I could count people on one hand - and knew she was reading emails because of the language.

Now, if people ask (the ones that don't believe what they've heard) - I tell them. A few people I just went ahead and said those first 2 things right off the bat (recently). I told my IL's the day I found out about the BD and the A (great day, huh?) and they've been very supportive. But, I've left them alone for the most part. They aren't my parents after all. And, the WW even accused me of "stealing" them. So now she's free to tell them all the lies she wants. They know better.

But for the most-part, I only recommend telling one or two very good friends the details. Even that bit me in the a$$, as one got drunk, and then emailed the W and asked her why she was doing all these horrible things. He felt he could as he's known her for 35 years and felt betrayed as well. I had actually made what may have been some inroads - but that killed it. Thanks buddy.

So, be careful. Reiterate to people you do tell not to say anything. Because the WW could make the assumption you put these people up to it - even if they're acting in your best interest and on their own.

Interviewing L's and getting one is a must at this point. Man oh man, I wish I had done that instead of being in my denial phase. Get proactive, and tough love. She's going to try to pull you on the rollercoaster from h3!!.

Luckily I don't have kids, but you know how tough it's going to be for them. Don't give them any more info than they can handle. And remember - your WW isn't thinking clearly, and could very well use them as pawns. The selfishness of a WW seems to know no bounds. Don't give her any ammo to hand a lawyer either. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you.

If you can get her to agree to quit the A, you're probably going to have to learn more about it than you want to - so you know. Sorry, that's not going to be pretty.

Read the DR constantly, because you're at a pretty critical juncture right now. If you haven't talked to a DB coach and can swing it - do. It could make all the difference. If I had been lucky enough to be where you are - that's what I would have done. Use every hour you've got - they're precious. You're fighting for you and your kids. Good luck.

[PacLove]

1313 thanks for the advice... yeah I think she's totally playing me, been sending me pics today of "her activities" as if to prove she's not up to anything out of the ordinary.

I know she's personally going through hell though - I saw it in her eyes when she left on Thursday as she walked teary eyed out the door and I stood there unemotional. So that definitely weighs on you - I still love her after-all and want to give her some benefit of the doubt. Tough love is not easy for someone you've been with for over 10 years. Tomorrow night should be interesting...

[trumpet]

Benefit of the doubt happens when rubber meets the road. Actions for a consistent amount of time. Weeks. You are the ice cream truck. You are driving away. She is running after the truck with money in her hands. You need to see a bit of running to you, not just her standing there at the street corner.

Tough love. A wayward wife has to work through all the emotional slag until she gets to the molten center of logical thought.

I think you're in for months. You might think days. Gotta play the long game.

[PacLove]

Got home to a clean house and a W doing laundry - that hasn't happened in 6+ months, still cold to me and I asked her if she's staying the night or leaving, I suggested she leave and that we need to respect the boundaries we setup as long as the A is still going in. I probably slipped a little too much getting into details of the A and R but in the end I still maintained it's best for her to leave until she's willing to give up the A. She hung around until D went to bed (much to my disagreement) but didn't want to get into a fight in front of the D. Still haven't said anything to her yet.

She was trying to justify the A or at least dismiss it saying it's not the problem - the root cause is she has no emotional feelings towards me anymore - that hurt but I realize it's probably the fog...

[roist]

Feelings come and go and in a long-term R or M that is even normal even if not desirable. I am sure at times you loved your W less too. Anyway feelings change.They can come back.

But it is unlikely to happen until OM is out of her head.But you cannot control that or the time that will take.

Pressure is not a good thing but you do need to be strong and stop her cake eating. She cannot pretend all is OK to D and then slip away into the night. It us not best that she leaves, it must be tougher. She is not welcome to play happy families and continue an A.

You may see confusion in your W. Maybe she is. That is good, BUTshe could be confused for a long long time yet. Do not mistake it a a sign everything will click back into place quickly. It could but do not count on it.

Best wishes

[TxHubby]

More cake-eating and more of you serving it to her. Blow this A up and fix your lives. Sitting back and allowing it to flourish isn't going to help you. While you take a passive approach the AP does not.