Thanks for asking for an update -- things here have been busy but good.
First off, my girl turned THIRTEEN two weeks ago. I have to work to remember how horrible things often turned with her when she was younger. I'm not going to say she's a dream now, but our relationship is SO much better, and I appreciate that more than anything. Maybe it's the growth I was forced to nurture because of our divorce, but (and I can't believe I'm going to say this) it was worth it to have peace with my daughter.
My boys are great too. S10 is starting to have some tween surliness which amuses me, because he has always been, by far, my sweetest child. And I'm recognizing the importance of S8 to our family; his friendship with his brother is so close and so beautiful, and a source of strength to both of them that they greatly need.
So I'm very blessed in my children.
My parents came up for spring break which was a huge help to me since I'm in a very intensive training program for my new job. Mr. Fantastic went OUT OF HIS WAY to avoid seeing them. Whereas he typically brings them to the door and chats for a minute when he's bringing them home, he stayed in the car this time and made a point of not being seen by them when I was at work. My New Guy went to Easter service with us on Sunday and in the same way, when Mr. Fantastic, waiting on the sidewalk with the kids for me to pick them up, saw my Guy in the car, he vanished immediately. This amused me.
Not so funny, Mr. Fantastic has been going out of his way to ask for things. Whenever we have a successful negotiation about the kids (I've needed help since I started this job and he wanted a weekend off, so we pulled a fairly complicated swap), he takes it as an opportunity to ask for stuff. Like, all the power tools out of the garage of the old house, eight months after I declared last call. Like for me to run little errands for him, or for an electronic keyboard in the basement, etc. It also irks me more than I can say that he has bought a house priced the same as the one I had to sell because of the divorce, all for himself. And it's right downtown, too, and he's very flamboyantly renovating it and furnishing it with all new stuff. Which makes me wonder, 1)what money did I leave on the table in the divorce? Or 2) Is paying for college going to be all on me??? Believe me, I'm trying to let it go. But I've been hearing a LOT about it from the kids, along with more requests to live with him, and given how much I've given up in this divorce in time with them, balancing the work/single mom lifestyle, etc., it grates.
On that note, while I was out with My New Guy over the weekend, I got a text from Mr. F about the Easter service that was followed up with ANOTHER request... And I sighed, pretty heavily. My Guy pressed me to tell him what was going on and I tried to cut it short by just saying "It's terribly awkward to share my children with someone who doesn't share my values at all." My Guy tried to talk me down by saying something about the father of my children (he has a very close relationship with his ex... But that's another story), and I got very upset and said "Why are you defending him?" Fortunately he had just parked the car... He stopped everything and took my hands and talked me through it. I had never been so upset in front of him before and he was very comforting. Once I got started, though, it was hard to pull myself together and it startled me. He was a champ through the whole thing. Poor guy.
We had the most amazing weekend together, though. Not doing much, but just piddling around together. He helped me with D13's bike and we went for a walk, talked and talked and talked... I'm still very hesitant to make much of a commitment and when he met my parents this past weekend I failed to use the term "boyfriend" although he's used the term "girlfriend" several times... But I'm falling a little harder for him every time we're together.
My life is developing in some really positive ways and I'm so grateful. None of this would have been possible if Mr. Fantastic had stayed in my life. I feel like I was never happy while I was with him, that I was always yearning after something I was never going to get, and that my life was a drudgery and that I was unattractive. Now I feel pretty almost every day, and the sky is the limit for me. It's not rainbows and unicorns every minute but I feel a sense of possibility that I never felt when I was Mrs. Fantastic. I never would have thought that could be the case.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, what a lovely update. I can relate to so much of it. Feeling (and being told I was ) unattractive, yearning for things I was never going to get. The sense of possibility with someone new. I certainly don't want to fall into the trap of thinking someone new is going to solve all my problems, and I know you don't either -- after all, that's what our Xs did. But, my oh my, isn't is fun to experience something different after all we've been through. Kudos to you, girl.
Today to celebrate my birthday a day late, My Guy and I took the kids on a BIG outing today... And at one point when we were figuring out some logistics, I got the first sound of Mr. Fantastic's first name out instead of My Guy's name.
I don't know if he caught on. I SO hope he didn't.
I feel kind of sick about it. I really care about My Guy. He relies on me, he supports me, he is thoughtful and I enjoy being with him more every time I spend time with him. I do NOT want Mr. Fantastic back. But.... What if that moment says I do? I had a HORRIBLE actual birthday because D13 behaved APPALLINGLY towards me. And Mr. Fantastic texted me FOUR times asking for stuff, and never once wished me happy birthday. I felt like it meant that my birthday was NEVER special to him because he didn't even remember, and I was feeling down that I spent all those years with someone who cared so little for me, and now I have to share my children with him for the rest of my life.
This relationship is growing really nicely, becoming something real and reciprocal. I don't want it be a rebound. I didn't want to think of Mr. Fantastic when I talked to him... I hope it was just that it seemed like since we were caring for my kids that it was their dad.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Also...I wouldn't read too much into your flub OR Mr. Fantastic's forgetting your bday. First, as you get older (hee hee), those kinds of things just happen. It doesn't have to mean something untoward is going on in your subconscious.
And as for remembering birthdays? Many guys (especially ones who are WAH) are not known for being particularly skilled at that. Doesn't have to mean that your birthday was "NEVER" special to him. It just means he is a forgetful poopy-head. My stbx got the date of our marriage wrong on the docs he submitted to his lawyer. Srsly.
I've a theory about flubbing the names, because it is happening in my head with New Girl, though not out loud yet. When we think of our "special person" and the emotion it triggers, it is automatically translated to a first name. For the longest time, your brain translated "special person" to "Mr Fantastic". Now, you're starting to hit that "special person" button again, after a long time of not using it, and your brain is still wired to translate it to the wrong person. But it's a good sign for your Guy that you're hitting that button. It means he's becoming to you, to your heart and your brain, who Mr Fantastic used to be. He's becoming your "special person".
I've used the name of my first girlfriend (of 5 years) for a decade after we split up. Heck, it still happens once a year. It's just that she occupied this place for a long time, so the wiring with her name is strong. It's not that I think about her. When it happens again, because it will, don't make a big deal out of it, don't suggest by your reaction that he should be offended. I bet he won't be. I wouldn't be if my girlfriend used the wrong name.
Happy birthday!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yesterday I picked my boys up from school in the car rider line, which I don't usually do. I was trying to do some work on my phone while I waited and when I looked up Mr. Fantastic's SuperFantastic girlfriend was standing next to the car in front of me, hanging on the window and chatting up the mom inside like she was a cheap floozy hanging on a bar pick-up. (Don't call me bitter!! ) she kept looking at me and twisting herself around to be sure I noticed her standing there and she stayed till the cars around us were driving away. Then she finally walked back to her car, three rows over.
Tonight, D13 said she would have liked to have gone to the school play except they were with me tonight. I said, "what?" And she explained that The SuperFantastic gf (who has my first name) is taking her kids tonight and that Mr. Fantastic agreed with her that it would be awkward if I ran into the gf. I said "I've run into her many times. You think I'd make a problem?" All three kids said, no, it would just be super awkward.
I feel badly that my kids have to think like that. I also am very disgusted at both Mr. Fantastic and the SuperFantastic gf for feeding the fear. Also I DO wish I could throw eggs at her. She was my friend. She knew some of my secrets and I knew some of hers.
I wish that didn't bother me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yesterday I picked my boys up from school in the car rider line, which I don't usually do. I was trying to do some work on my phone while I waited and when I looked up Mr. Fantastic's SuperFantastic girlfriend was standing next to the car in front of me, hanging on the window and chatting up the mom inside like she was a cheap floozy hanging on a bar pick-up. (Don't call me bitter!! ) she kept looking at me and twisting herself around to be sure I noticed her standing there and she stayed till the cars around us were driving away. Then she finally walked back to her car, three rows over.
Tonight, D13 said she would have liked to have gone to the school play except they were with me tonight. I said, "what?" And she explained that The SuperFantastic gf (who has my first name) is taking her kids tonight and that Mr. Fantastic agreed with her that it would be awkward if I ran into the gf. I said "I've run into her many times. You think I'd make a problem?" All three kids said, no, it would just be super awkward.
I feel badly that my kids have to think like that. I also am very disgusted at both Mr. Fantastic and the SuperFantastic gf for feeding the fear. Also I DO wish I could throw eggs at her. She was my friend. She knew some of my secrets and I knew some of hers.
I wish that didn't bother me.
I just read this. This was extremely not ok your ex's part to say this to your daughter. You should never miss something of your kids because it would be "awkward" Your daughter shouldn't be made to feel it would awkward. I would have a sit down with your daughter and explain you will always be there at her special events and assure her in no way is it awkward for you, and you wouldn't want her to feel awkward.
Huge parenting fail on your ex's part. Shame on him.
) she kept looking at me and twisting herself around to be sure I noticed her standing there and she stayed till the cars around us were driving away. Then she finally walked back to her car, three rows over.