Just found out 3 weeks ago - happy valentines day!

[LiM]

Why are you not demanding strict no contact with OM? Is that something that you are not able to openly monitor? There is no chance of REAL reconciliation so long as there is any contact whatsoever.
About a week after my last post, I discovered the the A was still ongoing and it had gone to levels that I couldn't possibly have imagined. They've done sex acts together that I would have gotten thrown out of the house for had I even merely suggested that we try x, y or z. This is true XXX porn stuff that was going on. I can guarantee that you W has had sex with OM and probably much more than just plain vanilla sex. They will never tell the whole truth. They are liars. That's what they do.
Yesterday, the OM "confessed" everything to his W and everything is now exposed. I've seen some very angry correspondences between my W and OM's W (they used to consider each other friends) and OM's W indicated that there were a lot of BJ's going on. So that may be all OM told his wife. The truth is that it went WAY beyond that.
You can't tell your W you are still spying on her. At some point, you are going to have to trust her but at a bare minimum, there has to be strict NC. If he contacts her, even if she denies his advances, she should be telling you about these encounters. There are books out there that cover the topic of "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." You need to purchase and read these. There are rules that must be followed and she needs to tow the line or hit the road. Dont make it too easy for her. She has to earn her place at your side.