WAW is angry and filing divorce

[SH_]

Today has started off being a challenge as the depression has kicked into full gear.

It probably started last night as yesterday evening I was a bit in rage mode as I went out with a friend to attend a mens church meeting. I had my youngest daughter as D17 was with her mother at a play that was a gift for her at Xmas.

Anyhow I was able to leave my D5 with my friends wife and children in order to attend the meeting. The meeting was a good one, but the challenge was that the messages were focused on the family and the mans sacred role in doing what is right to nurture, strengthen and maintain a sound family unit. While I love the message and know that I have made mistakes and want to strive always to do and be better, the thoughts of what is currently happening to my family certainly felt like a gut punch to say the least.

After the meeting I shared with my friend some of the challenges and issues that I am going through and while we were talking he received a text from his wife saying that my D5 announced to them how her and her mommy found a house with her uncle and that they would be moving away from daddy. She asked if I was aware of this. The second gut punch for the night. Anger swelled in me to say the least.
I was aware of it as the WAW had told me when she returned today, but hearing how my D5 was sharing this with folks just stings. I know that my WAW takes my D5 just about everywhere as it seems to be her way of having one of the girls since my D17 told her she did not want to live with her.

Anyway, the anger kept me numb the rest of the evening, and I got home with D5 and got to bed and fell asleep myself before they got home from the play.
Nightmares of my situation throughout the night made it a rough night. So I woke up a bit in a depressive state.

Today is a conference day for my church and we are able to watch our church leaders and hear their messages from our home and we are all here. The messages are of families, fathers responsibilities to the family and forgiveness. I know these are all supposed to be messages of peace, and under different circumstances, I am sure they would be for me, but the messages, seem to just pour salt on my wounds and make me feel as If I have failed my family.

I am trying to hold it together as I have to have a challenging talk with the WAW about a financial agreement as her moving out will not be financially supported from me as it appears her plan is. She wants to pay for her new place and stuff and then have the finances divided in the D afterwards.

I am trying to hang in there, but today is doing number on me and maintaining hope and faith in a future where I can do what is right and be better for the damage this ordeal is causing.