My Story - the circular nature of causality

[1gr8dad]

To summarize the MR:

• W and I fall madly in love 2008
• I propose and we marry a year later in 2010 and she moves in (no prior MR or kids)
• The first couple years of our marriage felt amazing except for one challenge. W has a very large family and an inordinate amount of our free time was being spent with W's side of the family. (A minimum 3 hour visit obligation at a frequency of 2-3 times a week at MILs)
• Finally in 2012, things got out of hand when my SIL went on Mat leave and spent all her time at MILs, and my W was compelled to visit after work several times a week often asking me to come along.
• At that point I couldn't take the cumulative amount of time spent with her family and felt I didn't have a family of my own, I insisted on MC else I was leaving
• After 6 sessions with the MC, my W and I were back on a very healthy track! She was able to recognize that her compulsion to see MIL and SIL may have been driven by sibling rivalry. We were able to now strike a good balance of our family vs hers
• The next year was amazing and we felt confident about our strengthened MR and decided to get PG.
• In late 2013 we were blessed with a healthy baby daughter
• However, by 2014 we run into problems . . .

We suffered a sort of regression back into our previous marital problem. During Mat leave, more often than not, I would come home from work and my W and newborn would be at my MILs house. Now during the first few months I thought all the extra time with her mother was ok because she needed the extra help, but my W's increased absence from our home persisted for the whole year of Mat leave. Unfortunately, this time, I seemed to not have the balls to re-assert my previous concerns or request we go back for MC. Instead I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. So I hit the gym and also played in a weekly league. Several months into this is where I unintentionally started down a very destructive path that would play a part in destroying our marriage. My body was sore from all the physical activity I was doing and I noticed several massage clinics a stone's throw away from our place. It turned out they were really all Massage Parlours where I was subsequently was offered a "happy ending" after the massage. Pandora's box had been opened.

• Also in 2014 my W's boss was going through a divorce. My W and her boss have always been close since she started working for him in late 2011, but now after his separation, my W would talk a lot more about him and his personal life.

One of the things I often encouraged my W to do (especially in light of the imbalance issue around her family) was to also make time for building relationships with her friends. So around this time she started to go out after work on Wed nights while I looked after our D. I sometimes asked my W what she was doing and she would often report to me that she was out with friends from work. One time she called me from her boss' house and I got upset and told her that I didn't think it was appropriate that she was hanging out there alone with him and I asked her to refrain. She agreed, but every time my W told me she was with her boss after work, I could feel a pang hit my heart, but I foolishly ignored it because she always re-assured me that they were just friends outside of their working relationship.

In late 2014 we got into a big fight. My W needed help with resolving her suspended license and asked me if I could cancel a team work lunch I had planned and take the day off instead to assist in reinstating her license. I was not able to cancel but told her we could resolve the issue later that day. She got upset and instead sought out her boss to help her. I was really upset because it seemed she and her boss were often crossing the employee/manager line and in this occasion I confronted her about her unusual R with her boss. She again assured me they were just friends. There were many times where she had to work late with him and I let her know it bothered me. To address my concerns she started to bring him home while I was there when they had extra work to do. It was kind of weird at first but they were really working, and after the 3 of us would chill out and relax. Also he was now being invited to our family birthdays, family events such as Christmas and new-year at my MILs, and our social events because my W felt he needed to get out more since his separation.

As I got to know him better, consciously I didn't feel as insecure as I did before, but the amount of time he would still spend together after work with my W, with us and our family, with my in-laws, and with our friends, didn't sit right in my subconscious - yet I foolishly did nothing! She would sometimes cook and pack food for him, go shopping for furniture for his new post-matrimonial home, they would text each other a lot outside of work hours, also they would go on several overnight business trips a year, for his Christmas present she assembled child-hood pictures of his family for him. My W is not a morning person and her boss would even call her every morning to wake her up. I remember joking with her if he would also call me as well to wake me up. Looking back, It was really [censored] UP, but his increased presence in our family and social lives after his separation was so gradual I didn't notice it as threat - I was such as ignorant fool!

• Now in retrospect it's clear to me my W was having at the very least an EA with her boss hidden in plain sight.
• Basically our MR slowly but steadily deteriorated from 2014-2015 and I felt very distant and emotionally disconnected from my W as she seemed more emotionally connected with her boss.
• As I become more frustrated, resentful and alone in the marriage I found myself frequenting the MPs (Massage Parlors) and even at one point I was going on a weekly basis. (My W was still often going to MILs with D after work so it was easy for me to go while I was left alone at home).
• Nov 2015, my W discovers my very bad habit and BD: wants a divorce.
• 4 weeks later I discover hard evidence that my W's R with her boss is a PA + EA
• We try MC but W wants out of MR. In fact wants me to leave the home and blames me for everything and denies any affair.
• We lawyer up and take 3 months to agree on a 50/50 split of our D and then I move out.
• I've been physically separated for 1 month now.

So here I am; the LBH who is deeply regretful for my part in the marriage breakdown, and wishes things were different. I want to DB because I still love this women and want to continue to share my life and dreams with her despite the downward spiral we just went though. I remember the good times which were so amazing when everyone else was out of the picture and we were in our own love bubble. I don't want my W's boss to be my D's step-dad. I don't want to break up our family unit, but rather piece together our marriage and family into a stronger new marriage. I read that couples can get past affairs and discover an even stronger renewed MR. I've heard of Retrouvaille. But it appears my W has lost all hope in the marriage and has completely replaced me with her AP boss.

I've read though all material that Cadet sent me and have been deploying LRTs but nothing seems to be working. We only communicate about D and try to maintain a civil/amicable co-parenting relationship.

I'm suffering from a tremendous amount of paralyzing pain but have gained a lot of support from reading posts from all the great vets and DBers on here.

I'm wondering if I really have a WW or not??? and if the LRTs are only hindering the development of a healthy co-parenting relationship??? What do you think given my story???