I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone, thank you for understanding my struggle. No one, outside of this forum, does. It's a very lonely place to be, I am so thankful to have you guys in my world.

So, the question, what will change? You had encouraged me to think about that, last year, when I was in this same place. I took my time to think about it, and I do agree with you all, not much would change other than a piece of paper. I do understand, H and I are basically divorced, just not legally. We live our lives as if divorced.

Knowing that, unfortunately, is not calming me. I still feel I need something more to keep me going....

My take is this. I am processing, just like H. I am learning about myself, learning who I am, figuring out what I want, what makes me happy, what I want in my life. It's almost as if H and I are going through the same motions, just in different worlds, with a brief connection here and there.

What I know:

I love my husband and us as a family
I believe he loves me
I believe we each need our space right now
I believe it's beneficial we live apart
I believe his issues come from his childhood
I believe my close R with my son angers/hurts him
I believe he is working through some issues
I know I don't want to push him or disrupt his process
I know I don't want him to come back too soon, if he does
I know we are going through this for a reason
I know this experience has forever changed me
I know H and S need each other and family time is important
I know H and I will always be friends, no matter what
I don't want to be divorced
That I made a lot of mistakes
That I can stand longer, question is, do I want to?


What I don't know:

If H and I will get through this still married
If H will ever truly work through his issues
If I could ever fall in love with him
If I could trust him
If I could feel safe with him
If I could believe anything he says
If I will want him back home
If we could ever repair all the damage done, that goes both ways

I also know I would not make any serious choice or decision without talking with H. This is what continues to leave a big hole in me. We talk about nothing. Our lack of communication is a huge reason we grew apart. And here we are, continuing to keep each other in the dark. I think H thinks I am happier without him, he has already said that. I think we both make many assumptions about what the other thinks and feels....

I plan on opening up that line of communication. I don't think H is capable of doing that, he never has been and it's hard for me as well. I think it's time, Heck, what do I have to lose? I am much more educated in what I am dealing with, so I am fully aware I may hear a bunch of gibberish, but it continues to feel wrong, that we don't talk about anything.

If he doesn't want to, I won't push, but if anything, I can get some of my own thoughts and feelings across. It's worth a try, something different. There is nothing I want to rush, I am no way ready for any big change or decision, I am all about moving slow. THAT is probably the biggest 180 for me! Lol. In the meantime, I know I have it in me to keep chugging along, it's just wondering how much longer I want to.

H came over to pick up S yesterday. He looked so tired, skin ashy looking and lines under his eyes. He was drinking coffee, made by some coffee press gadget he says I must get. He told me to try it, so I did, but I screwed off the cap instead of drinking out of the mouth piece he uses. I felt a little bad after, but just did it without thinking, like I would do with any friends drink...

He opened his present, excited to try it out with S. He gave me the last minute invite, to join him, S and his dad for lunch. He said I am welcome, he just figured I wouldn't want to go. I thanked him, said I don't want to interrupt their boy time. But he was right, I don't want to be around his dad, awkward!

He reminded me twice yesterday, that he will not be here for his birthday. I thought of you Job, he wants me to do something special for him, no? I considered baking up some ribs for him today, brownies for dessert....it would be a really nice gesture....just not sure.

Planning on walking and lunch with friend today. I feel I have gotten a lot off my chest here, thank you again, it really helps.