WAW is angry and filing divorce

[trumpet]

SadHub,

My wife's EA/PA has made her very angry at times.
She projects her own moral bankruptcy on me. Spewing and using any/every hint of a being a bad father as yet another brink in the wall of D.

I'm learning to ignore it, but it's tough. Lots of emotionally charged texts, then arrows over the wall to get me to spar in verbal jousting.

I'm trying at every opportunity to pick up my ball and walk away. The game is no fun when there isn't someone to play with.

GAL'ing will include doing things for yourself and for D17. Can you do some special things with her and your other daughter?

I am guilty of spending extra time at work, since I just changed jobs, but I spend less time at home with WW. She says she's using all the extra time away from home as ammo in front of the judge. We've already agreed to 50/50 custody, and it's in the divorce paperwork already, so her telling me she's going to tell the judge is just pure smoke.

It sounds like you and your WW have had issues in the past. So have I. I'm working on them. You are, too. Our WW's are not.

One of the toughest lessons I've learned is that I can't fix my broken WW. I love her, but she is her own circus, and her own monkeys. Being able to detach enough to watch the train wreck while it's in front of you, but not get hurt is very challenging.

Let God talk to you in your life. Hear Him whisper to you. You'll know you're on the right track when you hear Him whisper.

[SH_]

Thank you trumpet for your sound advice and words of encouragement.
It helps sometimes knowing that I am not alone or crazy when others in similar situations share words of wisdom and make statement of reality. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a bad dream and can't tell where the nightmare ends and reality begins. So your feedback is really helpful this evening.
It;s weird that I will be fighting for our marriage for sometime, but want the divorce to be finalized ASAP. I believe in marriage, but I need to escape the "crazy" now.

One of the toughest lessons I've learned is that I can't fix my broken WW. I love her, but she is her own circus, and her own monkeys. Being able to detach enough to watch the train wreck while it's in front of you, but not get hurt is very challenging.

I love this and will recall it each time I see the circus get started and I will picture monkeys in my mind. This will for sure keep me calm, and a smile in my heart that will keep me calm in the middle of the storm.

I am doing a 5k with D17 tomorrow and will look to plan something with bot of my girls as that will be awesome for all of us. My little one needs some attention as I noticed tonight being here at home alone with her. She is saying things now that make me know she knows more than any of us are giving her credit for.

Let God talk to you in your life. Hear Him whisper to you. You'll know you're on the right track when you hear Him whisper.

And this I needed to hear. I have had my issues in my relationship with God over my lifetime, but if ever there is a lesson in this ordeal, it is that I need to maintain a constant relationship through thick and thin and listen....quietly listen, because I need divine guidance to do what is right, have the strength to endure the challenge, and learn from my mistakes.

Thank you again trumpet for your kind and supportive words of encouragement.

[SH_]

Just got back from a 5K with D17. We had fun, but both felt an emptiness because my D5 (her little sister) and her mother was not there with us. We both kept diverting each others thoughts to happy things in the moments of feelings of loss.

Wow this is hard! My D17 is struggling and it takes all I have to not fall into the depression pity party trap.
But we did it and put forth our best foot to move forward from the pain.

Here is to hanging in there and FORCING the brain to focus forward and stay away from the emotions. I can't have those chemicals dumping into my system that can bring on the depression and panic attacks.

I can do this.
We can do this.
We will be stronger at the end of this.
God will bless us with strength and peace and the endurance that this journey will require.

[SH_]

As I read through many of the witch's out here there always seems to be an EA/PA.

Now I know that may be an over generalization on my part, but are there any out there where the WAW did not have that? There just does not seem to be that in my sitch and I have not snooped, but the obvious things scream that the EA/PA do not exist here. I ask as I know Micheles definition of this does not include WW, but any out there that have gone through this? My sitch seems to have unraveled so fast and furiously that I frequently get stuck in thought patters trying to solve it, when the logical side of my brain says to stop. There is no way to go back and solve it.

Anyway I am ranting on, because it is taking great effort to keep focused and knowing someone out there that may be able to relate with some advice for keeping my emotions, depression and focus on me and being a better me and better dad and GALing would be welcome.

Grrr, the brain/heart/gut control is a tremendous challenge right now because of the guilt and fear that envelops my being each day.

[Vanilla]

Sadhub I am a WAW. I am not wayward.

[rich4j]

Sadhub

You will have ups and downs where your emtions, depression and focus on you and being a better dad will change daily and weekly.

Unless you are an unemotional rock....its just the way it is. I am going thru the divorce part now and haven't had our talk with our daughter yet (6) and its the hardest thing in the world. Since I have been on this board (which was too late), I have had weeks that were good and days/weeks that are not...lately...not good

It will take time unfortunately.

In terms of the EA/PA, I would be in the category of where I could not find a EA/PA for sure. It's not how things started but over time I swore after some snooping there was something going on. I still can't confirm there is but I am convinced that she had a long distance EA going on early on that kept her on the track of "I think we need to split up'. There is no logic to some of this and I do think sometimes an EA is a trigger to push things downhill unfortunately. Best of luck

[Vanilla]

Sadhub

Each sitch is different with regard to walking and/or waywardness.

As a general thought there are often OM in these sitches. In two cases I know of the EA was with an OP who was actively discouraging the wayward.

Actually some LBS are consumed with an A, it's existance, length and the OM. I feel that OM (if there is one) isn't as important as is thought. The wayward isn't often truly in love with the OM, they are in love with the feeling it gives, the distraction and sense of youth. The hormonal rush of it. I have been keeping a log of EA/PA and wished I had more info, these waywards almost always affair down going for whomever is available. Often a work colleague.

Very few As go beyond 2 years and many are replaced by yet another A. So it's not the OM who is important but the need for an A in my book. Many waywards feel guilty and hang on to their A to justify and keep the guilt at bay.

If your W has an A it will emerge in time, and I would not be surprised if waywardness meant she was active either in an A or seeking one. If it's secretive then there is guilt. Secretive As are usually with someone married. Her affect is indicating the possibility.

Please don't be pressurised into any action by your W placing guilt upon you especially around the Fins.

You are doing very well Sadhub with establishing your boundaries and holding to them.

Peace

V

[SH_]

Hi V,

I read through a couple of your threads and you have quite the story. I commend you for working so hard to save your marriage under such difficult circumstances. I perceive you had no alternative but to walk away.
Your insights and thoughts really help me as I see that you did the right things and you have an understanding of what is in the mind of a WAW.

You are an amazing person in how you have continued on and work to be better in spite of the challenging things you have gone through. The world is a better place because of who you are, what you share with others and the service that you provide for those going through their own challenges.

[SH_]

Hi rich4j,

I appreciate your comments and support. I read through some of you situation and there are similarities. I think I will not pursue snooping as that could be wasted energy for me.

I wish I could be an unemotional rock somedays lately. lol It would help me function better. I guess the whole idea that men do not like to talk about emotions is not the same as us feeling the violence internally that emotions can bring eh?

I feel too, that I found this board and DR and Dbing all to late as well. Yesterday I had a tuff time when my D17 made mention that she saw this coming a couple of years ago. Wow did I feel dumb and blind. She saw issues that I missed. Although now as I play back my marriage, I see a million signs back to before we got married. But I know that is the mind trying to unravel this and it does no good and I have to live in the moment, make small plans for the future and stay focused on being a better man, father and better husband for the future.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Sadhub.

Some wonderful souls helped me a great deal when I arrived in distress here. Your story will help others more than you realise.


V