Phase 2

[Pax_luv]

KML,
Thank you for taking the time to write that insightful post and I'm sorry to hear about what you and your kids went through with your ex.

You are so right about the future children. I do want a family. So did h. I don't think he wants that anymore. Well, I know he was feeling too old and he mentioned he was just going to adopt. Well, to clarify this up a bit, he made this statement as we were having an R talk before I moved out. He said, "I'm willing to admit this is me (as in its his problem). I'm thinking of moving to X state and adopting a kid". And then 5 mins later, the whole thing became my fault again.

Anyway, I digress. I know I want a family. Period. I would be open to adopting even if I can't have biological children. As you mention, I don't think h is capable of being a good father. His patience and compassion is almost nonexistent and has been for years... Maybe his whole life. I think it all results from his terrible childhood and upbringing. I think he truly is a caring person, but has no idea how to express care or compassion for another person. (Lots of childhood stuff there that I want to keep private for his sake). I've questioned it myself, maybe I wasn't dying to get pregnant because deep down I couldn't trust h. Not just at being a father, but accepting me as a mother, too. I don't think he would like the changes in my body, I don't think he would care for me if I was sick or just uncomfortable. He just doesn't have that capacity. I don't think he would like to share the spotlight with another human(s). Weird. But then again, he is great with our dog. Totally, not the same though.

It's a strange thing to deal with. While I don't think about my marriage that much anymore, for the longest time I was struggling with the concept of "standing" which at the time just meant "holding on." Now I know better, and can see that it's not about saving a marriage just so I'm not a statistic, but saving a marriage that is right for me, too. It's scary to think that goal might not include h. The future is so different now than it was 2 years ago before things really went south. I want my best chances of having a family and I don't know that that exists with h. Also, it doesn't help that I have to worry about my age and getting older. I even have fertility testing on my to- do list. Surreal.

Anyway, thanks again kml for the advice. This has been mulling around in my head and heart for quite some time.