Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

Hi Tim
Well, it turned out my friend had several doctors appointments lined up today, so we'll try to get together week after next. It was pretty last minute - I should have lined something up last week. The WW wasn't helping at the class - I figured that was the case since they were asking me to help out. Wonder why? Who can tell.

I have to say I'm only going to take the high road depending on what I hear. While I'm not going to dump details, I most certainly will make it clear that the WW is having an affair, that I was not the one who filed for D. Again, this is only if the conversation turns this way, I would expect there to be a lot of other things to talk about.

Of course, who the heck knows what is going to happen in 2 weeks. I keep thinking I'm going to be left alone, and that's not happening. Getting stuck with those credit card bills was a nice little surprise. Then I go and do something nice today - like leave the WW's binoculars (pricey stabilized ones I got her for Xmas a couple of years ago) I accidentally packed and some of her camera batteries.

[1313]

Journaling:

I'm wondering what the problem is setting a court date?
The WW's L got the note on Monday. My L just sent off the documents showing charges on my CC's.

I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I'd like to guess, but somebody else has occupied her body. Every time I guess it's got something to do with her getting cold feet, I get slapped down.

I'd love to just be able to ask. But I know that would push her away like similar poles on 2 magnets. But you'd think, if she was in such a flippin' hurry she'd have jumped at the first possible date in 2 weeks. Or, is she going to try to pick the worst possible day - which would be on the day of the art auction? Yeah, I'd already have to take a 7 hour car drive to get there. I'd plan several days around it. Thought about seeing if a friend wanted to go. Not sure I could handle it alone (if the WW goes). I'm getting together with him on Monday.

So, I haven't seen my pup since 1/27. It's getting really depressing. I had no idea how much it would hurt - it literally feels like I got punched in the stomach sometimes. I would do anything for just 5 minutes with her. Why would the WW want to inflict such pain? Like she hasn't already. Nope, I can inflict just a little more pain...

And you know? I'd deserve it if I had an A on the WW. If I beat her. If I was mentally abusive to her. Yes, I've screwed up. Guilty as charged. I understand she needs to make a monster out of me to excuse her actions. Justification. But do you give a prisoner going to execution a rubber hamburger for a last meal? What gives?

I feel so desperate I want to go get into the house. I could figure it out I think, but who knows what the WW would do if she found out. Besides, I gave that up apparently. So I probably could get in trouble for all I know. Go to jail for trying to see a little dog.

Sigh.

I really hate this. I hate where I am, where she put me. If only I hadn't been such a sap - such a gullible trusting sap. If I'd have figured things out almost a year ago I could have set myself up for success, and been in an entirely different situation. It's like she planned this for maximum damage, putting me into this bizarre catch-22.

Oh, and my friend up there? His real estate coach W? She's the one that paid for my W's flight tix and part of her stay in Italy last June. Pretty nice, huh? Wonder how she'd feel if she knew that the WW added 2 more weeks to her trip in mid April so she could hook up with the OM? But I'm the jerk. The W is maintaining her golden reputation, and I'm the jerk. Yeah, that's hard to swallow.

That reminds me! The old neighbor I ran into at the market a week or so ago? She had a comment when I mentioned my disgust about the Italy trip. She thought it was strange at the time - when the W was posting pictures on FB (I never saw them because who would friend their H?) they were only of the W. She's off and out all by herself, yet somebody is taking pictures of her everywhere she goes. (not selfies) Made sense to the neighbor all of a sudden.

Since the W gave me her camera to get the photos off of her card, I was surprised at how few photos or videos there were. If I was in Italy I'd have been going nuts taking pictures. Guess somebody else was doing the photography.

[1313]

Ok.
2 events coming up in my life regarding the "WW" that I'm aware of. But, I'm really pressed about a 3rd.

1) unset and undecided court date (ball is in her court - she's supposed to be in a hurry)

2) Celebrity art auction where I will have a piece up for auction, as will she (presumably).

The art Auction I will be driving to SoCal for, about a 7ish hour drive. Perhaps with a friend.

So here's dilemma. A music artist I've really liked since the late 70's (pre WW) and one I introduced her to is going to be touring "classic" material (he's kept current, so this is sort of unusual - not a typical dinosaur cash grab) and I have the opportunity to get in on rehearsals and band meet and stuff before the concert.

To try to keep this as short as possible, this is a logistical stretch.

Skip it, or see if the W would consider not pissing on me? See if she would actually consider something normal activity wise as of a year ago?

** Update: Oh BTW again, when the W dropped off all those clothes at the doorstep?

She took all my (expensive) slacks off of the hangers they were on, and shoved them into a garbage bag.

You know, just FYI.

She still likes me, yeah? !?!?

Oh.

1313, WTF are you thinking?

I would so love to see this guy. I hate this empty feeling without her. It's when stuff like this pops up - and I feel so lucky I can access it and share it. And then - she's not really there.

Sucker.

[Zues126]

Hey 13, haven't read much about your sitch, just skimmed through the last few posts. I've seen your name around a bit, I like that you're active.

So, here's the deal. There are some things that are pretty sick and twisted in the world. But at the end of the day, they only stink if you cling to the idea that it should work some other way, that it should be some other way.

In the movies there was a scene that played out a number of times, where some well off gangster like guy has some high maintenance woman. Then, when he loses his lifestyle, she's out of there. I think this plays out in the Bronx Tale, Blow, Casino, and many others like it. In one she's like taunting him in jail about how he'll never see his daughter and how she's screwing some other guy. In another she just leaves him high and dry. I don't know why this bothers me so much. Maybe it's because loyalty is so important to me. Maybe it's fear of abandonment. But something about identifying with this character who's serving a jail sentence for doing the things that provided for this woman who now cuts bait, it is really disturbing to me. Same as a woman who leaves her man that is serving his country and going through hell. And stuff like this. I like the lyrics from "constant sorrow" where he says "You can bury me in some deep valley for many years where I may lay, then you can learn to love another while I am sleeping in my grave".

But while those are movies, they tell those stories because it speaks to the truth, which is these things happen. It's shocking. It's gross. It's more painful than anything in the world. But they happen. For better or worse, this is what we humans choose to do to each other.

For us it is the ultimate abandonment and betrayal. For the WAS they feel we are horrible people that are destroying their only chances of happiness or their very existence. I won't defend the WAS action because I happen to think it's about as horrible as murder, but I understand that in their mind it is self defense.

But really, the reason this hurt me so much is because of my expectations. I expected a love that would transcend our humanity. I expected a permanence in an impermanent world. I expected that if I craved for something deeply enough, the world would provide it for me. That's just not how it works.

I've learned that the world is uncaring about my desires, needs, and expectations. That doesn't mean it's cruel. It's just not benign. It's just rather neutral. There are great things happening all around. We get many of our needs met, food, shelter, some stints of companionship, our ability to serve our community. And some needs aren't always met, not to the extent that our heart craves. And if it isn't loss of our marriages, it's sickness, poverty, mental deterioration, and finally death parts us all.

I guess my point is that if you view your life as being "happy" if your M worked out, and forever crippled if it doesn't, then you might feel you have lost your shot at fulfillment and that it's her fault, because it was her choice. A cynical but maybe more accurate model would be that no one can ever be happy or fulfilled in this world. While that sounds sad, the good news is that you didn't miss the opportunity to be fulfilled, it just never existed. For me it's easier to accept the fact that pain is inevitable, rather than that it was inflicted on me unfairly or unjustly.

Mostly a ramble tonight, not sure if I'm even coherent. But I guess I feel like life is disillusionment, suffering, and loss, then we die. If we can just kind of make peace with that, laugh at how painful it can be, and rejoice in the fact that death is going to save us from this not too far down the road...then in the middle of the pain, there are so many things to enjoy, to appreciate, to celebrate. Yes, I have pangs of loss and unfulfilled desires and loneliness and regret, but most of the time I'm too busy using the gifts that God has given me, connecting with my children, making a difference to those I work for, or just walking around a lake and marveling at what is all around.

Take care 13...

[Painter]

Sometimes other have much better words and responses than I do:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is discord, vision.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

St. Francis of Assisi

[1313]

Thanks guys,
I haven't checked in for a few days. I just got my last crushing blow - it's over.

It really hurts, damn.

The OM moved in with the W.

All I can see is a Range Rover where my car used to be in the garage. I went to drop off some mail, and there it was. I can only get into the garage - so yeah.

She has the dog, she has the house, she has everything.

I just kept hoping there might be some thread, some hope. I didn't want to believe Sandi.

I knew that after they went off on their "vacation" things went really well. And the strange stand-offish and very final strange things the MIL said after church were my first clue. In the past, it was always "there's hope". So I guess I can assume the WW showed up with the OM for Easter, and it's all nice and official.

I'm so tired of hurting. But, I guess if this is rock bottom things should improve someday.

[sandi2]

She has the dog, she has the house, she has everything.

No, she doesn't have everything. She doesn't have honor. She doesn't have true reality. She doesn't have respect. She doesn't have honesty. She doesn't have trust. Most of all, she doesn't have you!

I am so very sorry you are suffering.

[J5K]

1313

Sandi is right! She doesn't have you and that is her loss.

[1313]

Thanks again everyone.
Zues is right. I was loyal and trusting and expecting something like that in return.

But the WW has doubled down, if not more so. I guess maybe I'm in shock that she couldn't even wait until the divorce to do this. I have tried so hard to forgive her, pray for her and I can't bring myself to it any longer.

I guess I'm just in shock now. How she must hate me. I can't ever imagine doing this to another human being. She's got this guy every single night, in my bed, in my house, and I haven't even seen my little dog in over 2 months.

Sorry, I'm a mess. I'll check back in later when I can hold it together.

[GWH]

1313 so sorry you are hurting, but they are right she does not have YOU!