(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[LoisB]

Thank you Ha :-) You're pretty amazing yourself.

I was offered a promotion on Friday. It's been scary how things are falling into place... a lot of hard work, but also sorta easily and effortlessly. Hard to explain.

I need to journal a bit...

Had a long talk with my oldest daughter today. It was the first time we've talked like this since she told me she was smoking marijuana regularly. I've been giving her some space. Protecting myself.

It was a reassuring and good conversation as far as my daughter is concerned. I left the conversation feeling she is doing what she needs to do in order to put some closure on her dad's behavior and learn how to be a grown up on her own terms.

She said she wants to understand how someone can do the things he has done. I listened. I validated.

It was also nice to get honest with her that I see a lot of alcoholic traits and I am careful with my heart where she is concerned. She told me she is still in counseling and admits she will act manipulative and charming when she needs something, even if it means hurting someone she loves. It was nice to hear her own that.

She is talking to her dad almost daily and she said she needed to talk to me about her dad... it was hard for me. I listened.

But, I feel pretty confident today her drug use and reaching out to her dad is a part of her trying to find some peace with her dad's actions and absence in her life.

Apparently, her pothead friends have talked to him on the phone and say, "Wow, your dad is so cool." Cal said, "Well, yeah, if you are interested in a buddy-buddy, 25-year-old for a dad."

It's like two kids, around the same age, trying to find their way in life. Where do I fit. Cal mentioned several times how her dad is about 25. I guess he even mentioned it himself.

Even when we were married, Matt seemed to go through these cycles... he would cycle between personalities. I think he is stuck in this 18-25 old developmental stage where he is trying to sort out where he fits in relation to his very controlling parents. I think he's been stuck there for many years and it became a crisis when he reached midlife.

And, now, Cal, is age-appropriately, doing the same thing. After my youngest, Louisa, talked to Cal on the phone... it's been months since they spoke... Louisa said, "It's like she is two different people... the Cal we know and this other Cal who thinks smoking weed is okay and is all dumb."

Tonight, however, I heard more of the daughter I know is inside her best self.

It was still really hard to hear about Matt's life. I guess he invited Cal to spend a weekend at his apartment on the lake. He wants to smoke weed with her... "Mom, I'm still aware, that this is really gross. My dad wants to bond with me over a bowl."

I guess he told her that "his roommate" would be there. And, when Cal told him that she can't guarantee she would be nice to said roommate, Matt told Cal, "It's not her fault." That hurt.

That hurts a lot. He said that in marriage counseling. "OW is a good lady."

He cycles. He hits these points where he has all these regrets and, then, he goes back to blaming me for everything. I guess he's is back to blaming me. Skank is back to being a "good lady."

And, having regular conversations and something in common with Cal has brought me back under fire.

I guess when his mom wanted Cal to respond, he actually wrote out a script for her to follow. In the script, Cal was supposed to say that "My mother" was responsible for my not reaching out to you. Really. Not how I remember it.

Cal told him he cannot script that conversation or any conversation and he cannot use my name or talk about me because he wasn't there and doesn't know what went down.

When I joined these boards, I remember being told that I should put all my memories in a box and lock it tight, tuck it safely away. When I hear about Matt's life and hear where his head is at... it's sorta like a bunch of ninjas attack that box. He's no longer the man that was so special to me and all those special memories feel tarnished.

Okay. That helped. Maybe those memories aren't tarnished... and, somewhere deep, very deep... the Matt I knew is still there. I do believe I will see him again... but, it may be 10 more years down the road.

Hearing Cal describe how he comes home from work and smokes a bowl of weed and has no money and wants to take her jet-skiing with his new life... I guess he is back on a high with his divorced, 25-year-old lifestyle.

Funny. I'm pretty sure I'm a very different woman than I was four years ago... Matt sounds the same.

Really, truly, do not want that man in my life today. But, the pain of hearing he is continuing to choose this woman, this life over us... that still hurts.