Doing everything wrong...

[1313]

PacLove,
late to the party here - but you've gotten some good advice.

If you haven't read all of Sandi's posts, do it, and then do it again. TxHubby is spot on - she's going to lead you around like a prize poodle when it suits her, and lock you in the basement when she's bored.

Cake eating is what it's all about. And temperature taking. Remember, it's all a lie. You've got to separate, detach and let her wallow in her stink.

IMHO, an EA is far worse than a PA. I've had to come to grips with my WW's cheating, and in the past a PA was easy to dump because there was nothing truly emotional wrapped up in it. With an EA - well in my case she could justify it wasn't really an A at first. But, an EA will usually move to a PA.

You've got to realize what you're doing to help her realize her fantasy.

Now personally (and this is just me) if my WW's OM was married, I would certainly have told his W. But, he's been divorced for 17 years. My W has been in her A for about a year, possibly more. Hard to tell with an EA that moves forward. And, if you're the trusting type - who the heck knows how long it was incubating.

My W had plenty of time to plan, literally months - since last June really. So, she's been poisoning the well as far as friends. We've also got some that are enablers - nice friends, huh? Nothing like supplying a meet-up spot.

My WW accused me of telling everyone (meaning EVERYONE) that she lawyered up, and is having an A. When really it's just between us and that other stuff isn't important. Well, at that point I could count people on one hand - and knew she was reading emails because of the language.

Now, if people ask (the ones that don't believe what they've heard) - I tell them. A few people I just went ahead and said those first 2 things right off the bat (recently). I told my IL's the day I found out about the BD and the A (great day, huh?) and they've been very supportive. But, I've left them alone for the most part. They aren't my parents after all. And, the WW even accused me of "stealing" them. So now she's free to tell them all the lies she wants. They know better.

But for the most-part, I only recommend telling one or two very good friends the details. Even that bit me in the a$$, as one got drunk, and then emailed the W and asked her why she was doing all these horrible things. He felt he could as he's known her for 35 years and felt betrayed as well. I had actually made what may have been some inroads - but that killed it. Thanks buddy.

So, be careful. Reiterate to people you do tell not to say anything. Because the WW could make the assumption you put these people up to it - even if they're acting in your best interest and on their own.

Interviewing L's and getting one is a must at this point. Man oh man, I wish I had done that instead of being in my denial phase. Get proactive, and tough love. She's going to try to pull you on the rollercoaster from h3!!.

Luckily I don't have kids, but you know how tough it's going to be for them. Don't give them any more info than they can handle. And remember - your WW isn't thinking clearly, and could very well use them as pawns. The selfishness of a WW seems to know no bounds. Don't give her any ammo to hand a lawyer either. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you.

If you can get her to agree to quit the A, you're probably going to have to learn more about it than you want to - so you know. Sorry, that's not going to be pretty.

Read the DR constantly, because you're at a pretty critical juncture right now. If you haven't talked to a DB coach and can swing it - do. It could make all the difference. If I had been lucky enough to be where you are - that's what I would have done. Use every hour you've got - they're precious. You're fighting for you and your kids. Good luck.