Why don't you come to your senses?

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, Job. The floor heater needs a new thermostat and that will cost $280. I guess that's not bad. At least I'm not replacing the water main (again) or roof. LOL. It just stinks because this is something H could have done for about $60. Oh well.

I don't ask about his profile and status updates. He did change the happy, festival pic back to the "contemplative" pic he had before. Those type of pics - not smiling, but looking serious and in thought - seem to be the kind he prefers to post. I don't understand what image he's trying to project with those. Serious businessman who fits in with the kind of people he claims are his friends? IDK.

I have wondered about the Shashlik or Hasenpfeffer, though. I wonder if that isn't in reference to foreign food, but to foreign women. The complete phrase was "Shashlik or Hasenpfeffer ... hmmm" But then, if he's bouncing between two OW and they both use WhatsApp, that would be tipping his hand. But then, he might want two women fighting for him. I'll get no answers since I won't ask, but it's interesting to think about.

I came across his login information for another airline he uses (quite by accident) and have been sitting on my hands to keep from logging in and snooping. I'm assuming the login info hasn't changed. I keep telling myself that the site may have a "last login" message and stay away. It might also send an email for a failed login. Did he leave it where he did because he knew I would eventually find it? Is it a test? Nothing but trouble and possibly pain to be found there anyway. So hard to resist, though, because it could answer some questions.

An issue arose the last time he was here that was just fishy to me, so I came up with an innocent way to get some answers. Well, I was right to be suspicious and when I said I was under a different impression based on what he said, he went the gaslighting route. I confirmed he had manipulated me and I dropped it. He is so good at manipulation. My problem is I don't always recognize it until after all is said and done.

He gave BIL the dates for his trip back at the end of the month and he will be here for a whopping ... wait for it .... 7 days. He will have been gone 3 months and will give me the pleasure of his company for a whole week. I suppose I should feel lucky that he's giving me any time at all since he's leaving his awesome life there to come here. Okay, that was sarcastic, but what goes through my mind is why bother to come back at all? Oh yeah. I forgot. Have to keep 2T and BIL pacified ... they have to think I give a d$&m about what goes on over there. (Actually he does care ... he wants money to keep going into his bank account.)

I realize all that sounds like I'm angry or feel defeated, but like some of the other long-timers here, I keep wondering why I continue putting up with this. I can change course any time I want. Hire someone to do my job, let him buy me out of the business (not a good financial move for him) and start D proceedings.

Sometimes I feel compassion for him and tell myself that he can't help this. Then other times, I look at his picture and I'm briefly overcome by feelings of contempt for what he's done. Then I go back to the compassion. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I definitely don't want him back the way he is. No question about that. After 3 years I begin to doubt that he will ever come out of this.

But when I think about calling it quits, I feel like I'm just running away like he did. I feel like I need something to run to and I don't have that right now. I don't have the "this is where I want to go" mindset because I'm just not sure where I want to go. I also don't want to feel like a quitter. I don't want to regret that I bailed too soon. That I threw away my opportunity, because I know, somewhere in all that fog, he does love me.

Total and complete freedom is sitting just outside my door and I don't know what to do with it. I can do anything, go anywhere, live anywhere I want. Complete freedom. And I don't know what to do with it. Sad.

So, to lighten things up, I had another wacky moment today. I've discovered a way to shop and not spend money! I went to Home Depot today to get some light bulbs for the can lights in the kitchen and when I started to pay at the self-checkout my wallet wasn't in my purse. I had left it on the coffee table after purchasing something online earlier in the day. I had to ask the clerk to set the bulbs aside and give me 15 to 20 minutes to go home and get my wallet. Another "Duh" moment for me. I honestly don't know how anyone could want to leave someone as entertaining as I am!

I may tune in some basketball tonight. I'm not a fan, but my bracket has a chance of winning in the office pool. Of course, being the boss, I wouldn't keep the money. I'd use it to buy lunch for everyone or something similar.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

2T