Doing everything wrong...

[roist]

I would not have said the door is always open. It is like saying go have your affair and I'll wait here regardless.

I would not let her back without those conditions. Reread sandi's threads, but basically it boils down to respect (firstly for yourself and secondly by W).

Question for you: who says what to D today about why W is not there.? It should have been W yesterday and should be her today.But it looks like you are left to do her dirty work. I'll leave this to the vets to advise you on.

Best wishes

[PacLove]

Yeah I guess that was a bad on my part, but in a way it's open if she wants to enter back into the relationship again - under certain conditions off course.

we've got a few days with D, I was going away with her alone this weekend anyways so tomorrow morning I'll just say W left early for work. she's going to see her tomorrow afternoon for a docs appt. By Monday though we'll have to say something.

[roist]

When you are with your D try to focus on that this weekend.Put your own turmoil on hold. Not easy but should help both of ye to make the best of the weekend.

Best wishes

[PacLove]

W has been surprisingly chatty since she left last night, even said she misses us already... trying to distance myself and detach but hard not to get drawn in.

[PacLove]

Despite W moving out and spending the night on Thurs at the other place she's oddly enough back at the house while we are away for the weekend and wants to be there when we get home on Sun. That's not what we previously agreed on.... of-course we haven't told D yet either, so I think that's weighing on her.

She's really missing D and wants to see her Sunday. How many of you have used your kids as leverage to get back their WAW? I want her to come home for the MR, but if the D is a gateway or a catalyst to start that process is that OK? She has shown some signs of wanting to work on it (talked about ending contact with OM, Travel etc.) but nothing concrete yet.

My initial thoughts are as long as there is still the IM she's not welcome, she doesn't seem to be taking this separation seriously and sort of ad-hoc.

[CWOL]

She's really missing D and wants to see her Sunday. How many of you have used your kids as leverage to get back their WAW? I want her to come home for the MR, but if the D is a gateway or a catalyst to start that process is that OK? She has shown some signs of wanting to work on it (talked about ending contact with OM, Travel etc.) but nothing concrete yet.

I'm struggling with having S11 being a catalyst to R as well. I have been told by some therapists and my Divorce Care group never to put kids in the middle like that. However, I've been told otherwise by others as well. I do think my S11 will be the key if we are to R. I have already exposed WW's EA to my son early in the process, and he understood it completely. He does not want another man to be his "dad" and he will fight for me. But it is very difficult for an 11 year old to express that to his mother. I told him to use his own words and he did, not to repeat what I say.

I know that it tore my WW apart to hear my S's feelings on this. Right now she is still in the house so the separation hasn't occurred yet. She is still focused on the legal maneuvers of the D and her anger toward me because of the exposure. Once she does move out, however, it will be very hard on everyone. I'm hoping that will cause her fog to lift from her EA and see what reality of D is.

[roist]

Kids should not be used especially not so directlyIMO. Sticking rigidly to a roster and not allowing access out of schedule is good.

If ye have no schedule organised yet, I would say that it does not suit. She left and needs to realize there are consequences. This is not malicious but reality.

Good luck

[PacLove]

It seems like shes got one foot out the door and the other foot in... it was her decision to move out (despite me really wanting her to stay - although I didn't communicate that) so it's really a question if I push her that extra bit to move out in which case we have a real separation vs. allowing her to stay and hope towards R. Part of me thinks the separation will really wake her up, but it could also push her over the edge.

A question for you all - They say believe nothing what she says, how do you respond when you're pretty sure your W is being dishonest to you? do you just shrug it off? answer sarcastically? call her on it or play along?

[roist]

You need to be more specific to get advice IMO.

You do not push her out. You won't accept to have any R with her if there is OP.

[PacLove]

Ok take today for example, I'm pretty sure she went to OM's place but will probably tell me she's out with friends (if she tells me anything at all).

Agree on the R side - it's not something she's pushing for anyways right now so I'm fine with that, I'm detaching. The question is do I further push her out the door to create those clear boundaries or let her stay to see how I'm GAL within my own home.