Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

[bigybiz]

Has anyone out there have any experience with Larry Bilotta's course? I watched his online video today - it was quite compelling. Sorry to bring up a "competitor" - I hope this is not inappropriate.

[Vapo]

Look buddy, stop looking for the silver bullet. There isn't one. I do not know this Larry guy, but DB works, not necessarily to restore your marriage, but to bring YOU back. That is the whole point of DB-ing, not saving a marriage. I could point out probably 10 different courses that promise to restore your marriage (Dr. Phil,...).

[bigybiz]

Vapo: Thanks for the tough talk

I guess my posts come across as looking for the Silver Bullet. Every day I'm DB/DR like a champ. My progress is awesome. For me realizing what I can "fix" and what I can't is vital to my recovery.

When I watched this guy's video a lighting bolt hit me. Much of what my W is experiencing is due to her childhood. Yes, that may seem basic to many - but nonetheless it was eyeopening. And yes, much of the way I responded was due to my childhood.

I know I can't fix her inner child - but what I learned after watching that video is why she may be been acting the way she has i.e. why she has given up being a mom, who's opinion is important, etc. This was huge for me and pushed me further forward in my GAL.

If I can learn to listen and validate her (something I've not done in 20 years) and possibly talk about her background in a safe way then and only then can I come out of this with my head screwed on right and not lead my kids to certain destruction.

[Vapo]

Forget talking about her background, she will have none of that and even if you get trough to her, she is adamant that leaving you is the answer, she has to come to the realization it is not and no, YOU CANNOT HELP! Oh, I know you think you can, trust me, you can't...

[bigybiz]

Vapo, buddy - I really value your insights and I agree 100%. I know I can not help her. I need to help me. Once I realized that it's not all my fault, as I was told everyday for months, it was like a giant weight being removed from my chest. Now, I'm on a new path. Giving up old habits, trying new things, blowing out the cobwebs, etc etc.

I liked what this guy had to say and it resonated with me and I wanted to see if anyone had any insights.

Not looking for a silver bullet - more looking for Chemotherapy. Something that is hard, expensive, takes lots of time, wants to make you quit over and over again. But in the end I'll be happy with the results whatever they are.

[Vapo]

I believe you will come to realize that all these people (including DB) have the same basic - core idea. You can only save yourself and by saving yourself you give yourself a possibility of a new relationship with the W. A long shot, but a shot nevertheless...

[bigybiz]

Vapo - Like my thread says. I'm on the lookout for practical ideas that can help me with my 180/Last Resort. I buy into the concepts but I have a hard time seeing the forest through the tree's and taking solution orientated action.

To be honest, its from conversations with the W and her voice in my head that has gotten me this far.

Further, looking at:

the to do list of things around the house list and
the list of Things I've always wanted to do" helps e.g. I'm going to get my motorcycle license.

Now that conversations with the W are slowing to a trickle and I'm looking harder for ways that will help me break the old patterns. Also, I'm running out of to do's and I can't afford to do the major projects.

Slowly some of the subtle/personal issues are coming up and some new issues too. Those I'm trying to nip in the bud.

That's why I was hoping to hear from people - the I wish I had or When I ... it brought me..

I think good ideas and motivation can come from anywhere.

What do you think?

M

[Vapo]

Well, the mail thing is to get your ass in gear. Just start with the small steps and soon small steps will add into visible progress.

Do not get caught into over analyzing things, because that can lead into analysis paralysis, where you are analyzing each and every move and sign and the result is, you are [censored] scared to do anything, because you fear it might negatively impact the relationship with your W.

Fear is the mind killer. You really should get your W out of your head and also quit trying to get into your W's head to anticipate her moves again searching for that illusive silver bullet. The ONLY way you have a shot of getting back with her is by letting her go and the sooner you get to terms with it, the sooner you will be on your way to progress. There is NO OTHER WAY.

It totally goes against common sense, I know. And it is going to take time, a $hitload of time, think months and years instead of days and weeks. And the main objective is getting you back, first to start a relationship with you again, getting your W back will become less and less important and soon will wade in comparison with getting the new YOU 2.0. Finally you have the opportunity to become the man you were meant to become. There is soooooo much room to improve yourself, soooo much and every day wasted on thinking on what your W is doing or not doing and hoping she isn't fcucking other men is a COMPLETE waste of time and mind...

Trust me, I am right and embracing it will save you tons of time...

[bigybiz]

Vapo: Thanks for your input.

My butt is in gear - I just need to get to the next level.

I run 5 k every day followed by a short dumbbell workout
I'm catching up on the house repairs/projects
I'm doing more of the house work than I've every done.
I started cooking again.
I keep my kids - engaged and entertained plus I openly talk to them about what is going on in the house
My work is going OK - I'm slowly ratcheting it up.
I'm decluttering
I'm checking in with coaches, pastors and councilors
I keep up with friends, family I've even made some new friends.
I don't wait around for her and her mood.
Primarily talk to her face to face or by phone about relevant topics i.e. kids, house, etc (occasionally by phone). I never text, email, etc

You have no idea all the bad behavior and feelings I have left behind.


My 180 is going well - I think about something I would do and then try and do the opposite. I'm trying to be unavailable and mysterious - that's a bit of a struggle.

I do struggle with keeping her accountable and not being pushy. I'm guessing its a bit of test on her part. i.e. You volunteered to register him for swimming - it starts this week...

That's one of my real struggles - conducting everyday life while she thinks I'm trying to control her. Again, I think she is trying to test/bait me.

If she chooses not to register our son for swimming to spite me - the child looses. If I go ahead and do it so the child can go - I'm being controlling. That's a tough place for me.


I really think I'm on the right path. Trust, me fear is not issue.

I'd like to get to the next level. Yes, that means letting her go. For me letting her go means filling the void - within reason.

That's why I'm looking for practical ideas, books to read, videos to watch, etc.

Anything that will keep me moving forward.

[Vapo]

Looks to me you are doing great and IMO your GAL is sufficient, do not burn yourself out.

She will slowly work herself out of the system.

Stay strong buddy...