I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Hello and Happy Saturday! I have been reading your posts each day, I just never seem to have time to post back lately. One theme here that keeps pulling at me is your determination, optimism and unconditional love for your spouses. I truly find you all amazing people and you continue to inspire me.

I, myself, continue to have a true struggle going on inside. It's getting to a point where it distracts me and pulls me down a bit. I look around my home, and after a year,there is no sign of H. No pictures, no personal items...I have packed up and put away everything. Only S has a family pic in his room that I cringe with every time I look at it. It was on our cruise a few months before BD and I see the shark eyes.

H continues to send random TM here and there. I always respond friendly, but not so promptly anymore. Last night I did not respond at all, it was a picture of a box of straws, 500 in all, him asking if I need any.... I used to feel excitement and hope with his contact, now I think "now what?"

I imagine my life without all the questions floating over my head. I imagine sitting down, finalizing the split of assets, working out staying in our home, health benefits, and knowing where I truly stand financially. I imagine being free to completely heal from this and move on. I find it very hard to imagine being in love again with a man who has abandoned me and our home, who shut me out in an instant, who has become a teenager. I, for whatever reason, can't stand his parents, so now that relationship is broken. It's all become a huge mess that I don't see getting cleaned up.

I keep going back to BD. H was out with S, I was home looking up the phone records and came across the night of late night texts with my so called friend. I can still feel the fury in me. I remember when he came home, I asked him about it, and the look of panic in his eyes, then they went dark. Like a light switch. I remember him not wanting to talk about it, him defending her, "she was just worried about you", me yelling at him, H helping S try out taking a shower, me still yelling at H, then finally, when he tried to walk away from me, slamming him against the wall. That is when he said, that's it! He immediately ran to his phone and called his daddy to tell on me....who is a retired cop....H pointed out he could have me arrested. I remember all the fighting after, all the accusations I threw at him, his moving to the spare room, his late nights out, his hiding things and complete flip into being a different person.

Such a huge part of me wants to close the door on all this, start myself a new life, with the new me. To finally put this all behind me to rest.

For whatever reason, something keeps me from taking that final step. All I need to do is make a phone call, let H know I am making an appt for mediation. I don't know what is stopping me.....I am right there....

I am trying to read more on MLC and am currently reading about male depression. I find the more I learn, the more it helps me to understand where H may be. I think a lot of my pain comes from feeling like this is all H choice...it is what he wants, so why hold back and continue to look like a waiting fool? However, when I do my research and reading, it helps to see how messed up his head is.

I also truly believe in love and marriage, for better and for worse. I think this is what holds me back. I think, deep down inside, this value keeps pulling at me....H is not himself, something is not right, therefore, it would not be right for me to abandon him. I don't even think he would be emotionally stable enough to deal with a D right now, it may make him worse...

It can be so overwhelming at times, this internal struggle. I am taking it day by day.

On a happier note, S and I are on spring break! Nine days of sleeping in. We are having a "staycation", as promised to S. However I have a list of things to take care of and keep myself busy. S goes with H for tonight, I have no plans yet. I continue to crave some alone time, I just feel deep in thought.

H leaves Monday for his 4 day business trip. Since he will be gone during his birthday, we will give him his gift today, the battling tanks. I find it ridiculous to buy my H toys, but oh well, this is my world. Since his dad shares the same birthday, I have a nice bottle of wine for him.

I may end up making dinner plans or something to get me out, but watching movies sounds really good too! I hope you all have a good weekend, and as always, thank you for listening and continuing to love and honor your spouse. I pull strength from you guys and I hope to return that favor during my strong times.