Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[ciluzen]

Thanks so much 2T. My sentiments exactly. Really!

I just posted on HWs thread too, that for me, I need to lay my head down every night knowing that I did everything I could to save this M. And you're right--if we become the best possible version of ourselves and they still walk, then their loss!! Not that I want to become a doormat, or lose any self respect. I am hoping I have a good grip on that. Like you said, I just wanted and needed to be happy with ME!

This is sooo important for your PMA. Its interesting, though, that others will see us as being a doormat because we choose to work on a marriage while our H is acting badly and "wants out". They see only that we are in pain and that the pain is caused by an H who is treating us badly. In their eyes, that means we should run away...fast. What they fail to see is the history, the relationship and intimate knowledge of that H that allowed us to care about him and know that all is not right with him now. And how do you just leave a loved one when they are not ok? Instead of being a doormat, we are trying to be strong by standing for our marriage and hoping to outlast this problem with our H, while at the same time getting on with our lives and finding ourselves.

Its not so much that I am worried about his LL or trying to fill his tank. I have just NOTICED that his LL has changed. I read the book, and I don't remember a LL being able to change. But maybe he has been bilingual this whole time and I never noticed. But, when appropriate, I do try to tell him he looks nice, or thank him for helping with whatever. Not over the top fawning or gushing about his awesomeness.

My H's LL has always been AOS. But I have tried AOS back as well as WOA. He bats away any WOA. It also makes validating hard. Its as if he feels so badly about himself right now, so low, that he refuses to believe anyone could find any good in him. He does, however, want to be noticed for his hard work. It seems to be all that he is about, right now.

Cil, Yes, this is what my H is doing too. How do you validate and agree with feelings when they are telling you how YOU feel?

I've been thinking about this for awhile. I don't think you do validate that. I think this is where you set a boundary. A firm one. This is where your "niceness" stops. As in, "I will not allow you to tell me how I feel. I will respect your right to know your own feelings, but you may not disrespect me by telling me that you know better than I what I feel. My feelings are MINE.