Nygal, I found this analogy while reading through some of the older threads.
' If your spouse is in the doorway and you are there in the room doing something, they will watch you but not come in. However, as soon as you move out of their sight, they have to step in through the doorway to find out where you are and what you are doing without them.'
Perhaps next time W reaches out to you, you could just (and only) validate? By doing just that, you are keeping the road home smooth but you're not putting yourself out as plan b.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
NYGal...Sotto makes a really good point. I know how badly you want W, but you are setting yourself up to be hurt. Your actions are telling her that you are plan B...that you are willing to accept any maltreatment she dishes out as long as you get her back in the end... You're telling her if you reconcile and someday she feels tempted to run off again with another OW because life has gotten routine and boring (as life is wont to do), that's OK, because you'll accept it. You are beautiful, smart, and amazing. You do not have to accept this from her. You do not have to accept this from *anyone.* It's fine to want W back, but never put yourself in the position of just waiting for her to run back to you to validate your existence. She has put you through a great deal of hurt and pain with her irresponsible actions, and although you might be willing to work through that, there needs to be consequences for what she's done. Otherwise, there is absolutely no motivation for her not to keep doing it over and over again.
You are top shelf. She does not deserve your graciousness, and she proves this over and over again by toying with your emotions going back and forth between you and OW. You have to value yourself before you can expect her to do so. Make her work for it!!
Thanks everyone. Anna, I do know there would be consequences. I've already told her the terms are 1)ow is out of her life 2) she's over ow 3)transparency: turn find my iPhone back on, don't turn phone off, let me have password to phone/email/iPad,etc. We're not even there yet. She says she wants to get there and she understands the terms. she's just not there yet. She's not done with ow, even though she says she's tired of the situation and wants our R back. She's afraid we can't get past this. She tells friends she's afraid I won't take her back. (Is she just trying to blame me?) She tells friends she's afraid of what people will say about her for doing this (and for then going back to me.) She tells her friends she's miserable and scared. She tells me she's anxious that I'm going to move on before she finds her way back. I do believe she's really trying to understand why she did this so she will never do it (to me or anyone) again. She has said that if we get back together, it's forever. I think that's a lot to ask for at this point, since we haven't even spent any significant time together since January 2nd. We haven't done anything fun since November. I do believe she needs validation. I'm waiting for her to reach out again. She sent me a picture of a display yesterday that mentioned my college.
I know she's still thinking of me; she's out of town until Wednesday.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
TxHubby or anyone else, can you explain to me the guilt and shame a wayward spouse feels that makes it hard for them to come back to the M? My W is in that stage, doesn't know how to feel better about herself, and is struggling with understanding why she blew our relationship out of the water. I think her self-hatred at the moment is keeping her stuck.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Every time she looks at you, she might see the pain she caused and that is hard for a normal person to deal with. Our WAS's are far from normal. If you really think she is feeling self-hatred, there is nothing you can do to fix that. She has to go through the process. All you can do is show happiness and forgiveness. Real forgiveness. And that is sooo hard.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thanks Mona. Happiness and forgiveness. I'll remember that.
Why do I believe it? Because she's saying the same things to a lot of different people, not just me. Of course I don't know what she's saying to ow, but she's not going to want to lie to all our friends and then be shown to be a liar later.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
